sunshine

an ode

2012-02-14T17:32:00.000-08:00

to Hugh Laurie

Not who you were expecting, huh?

Really, I'm not one to know a lot about celebrities.

I sometimes pretend that they don't effect my life at all.

But really, that is a crazy thought.

Celebrities effect us whether we want them to or not.

Like most Americans- my first exposure with Hugh was through House M.D.

and I thought he was pretty swell.

And like most Americans, I realized that this was not my actually my first exposure.

He was in Stuart Little (which granted, I've seen twice).

And he was in the non-animated 101 Dalmatians, which I loved as a child.

But all the same, I thought he was a decent actor.

Recently I have found myself laughing at the pre-Americanized Hugh Laurie.

As Bertie in Jeeves and Wooster.

and the Prince in Black Adder.

Pretty much, he has always been hilarious.

But most of all.

Hugh Laurie sings the blues.

and dang Gina, he sings them well.

and if you ever watch him.

he loves every minute of it.

so this is my ode to Hugh Laurie.

He is passionate.

He loves what he does.

He's good at what he does.

And what he does makes me happy.

if this is a game

2012-01-28T16:31:00.000-08:00

I never got the instructions.

I wish I had some instructions right now.

for the first time in my life.

I have no plan.

it's terrifying.

I don't know where to start.

I don't know where I'm going.

for the first time in my life.

I am unsure.

I am unsure of what I can do.

it's hard to believe that last summer I picked up the nickname "Too Sure Callie"

well friends, now I'm Unsure McAllister.

I'd like to think of it as humility.

but really it's just fear.

for the first time in my life.

I am finding myself afraid of the unknown.

for the first time in my life.

I am admitting it.

and.

for the first time in my life.

I am going to overcome it.

I gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which I must stop and look fear in the face . . .

I say to myself, I've lived through this and can take the next thing that comes along . . .

We must do the things we think we cannot do. — Eleanor Roosevelt

new horizons

2012-01-06T11:28:00.000-08:00

well friends, I have a lot of choices to make in the near future-

but no plans...

so I'm looking into the horizon.

not quite having a clue of what it is.

or how I'm going to get there.

the sky is the limit.

for the holidays

2011-12-03T13:36:00.000-08:00

...there is no place like home....

the time has come

2011-11-08T21:57:00.001-08:00

I'm starting to realize how much of a choice happiness truly is.

if I have one bad thing happening in my life,

it does not have to affect every other aspect of my life.

while studying at this university it is not uncommon to be surrounded by people who strive for perfection.

people who want to go to grad schools across the world.

students who want to keep academic scholarships, be well rounded individuals, look fantastic, serve others, be the best church member in the world, and fall in love(gross).

I would be lying to say that I don't strive for MOST of these things MOST of the time.

But this semester I have been hit with the humility stick.

I can't do it all right now.

I don't have to do it all right now.

I can come up with all the plans I can and work as hard as I want, and I ultimately don't really get to be the final deciding factors in a lot of the outcomes.

I'm just required to do my best.

Isn't that a comforting thought.

Eternally speaking-

I'm not going to be miserable if I fail a test.

crazy, right?

I know so many people who think that life is over with less than a 90 on any assignment test or class.

These people, have hard lives.

I watch stress creep into their bodies and make a home.

Girls with pounds of potential feel like they are nothing.

Yet they still work so hard that they feel nothing but the constant hunger for future success.

Until that future success is reached-

They cannot take a break.

They don't sleep, they cry over everything, they wonder forever why they are single, they feel guilty when taking the time to interact with people...

And technically speaking, these people have "success".

But they don't KNOW it.

Nothing frustrates me more than the fact that they don't know how spectacular they really are!

People spend so much time looking at what they have yet to do that they don't realize all that they have done.

These people have success but never feel it.

Happiness my friends.

Happiness.

We choose to be happy.

We choose to look at what we have in our lives and then feel something about it.

It's beyond wonderful to look at the things that can make you smile!

When you find reasons to smile, fake or genuine, it's hard to feel any anger and it instantly relieves stress.

So though my life has been falling apart in what seems like every aspect-

I constantly look for things that make me smile.

And you know what, I've had very few sad days.

Because sadness is not worth missing out on what life truly is.

Happiness.

hands hands hands

2011-10-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight I proofread an essay for a friend of mine who is applying to colleges.

As I read, I realized that is has been a long time since I last wrote.

Just wrote.

I haven't had to write for school.

I haven't really written on here.

I haven't even been keeping up in a friend journal.

Or in my own journal for that matter.

This needs to change.

For sure.

2011-10-17T20:29:00.000-07:00

"I find the whole concept of being ‘sexy’ embarrassing and confusing. If I do an interview with photographs people desperately want to change me - dye my hair blonder, pluck my eyebrows, give me a fringe. Then there’s the choice of clothes. I know everyone wants a picture of me in a mini-skirt. But that’s not me. I feel uncomfortable. I’d never go out in a mini-skirt. It’s nothing to do with protecting the Hermione image. I wouldn’t do that. Personally, I don’t actually think it’s even that sexy. What’s sexy about saying, ‘I’m here with my boobs out and a short skirt, have a look at everything I’ve got?’ My idea of sexy is that less is more. The less you reveal the more people can wonder. - emma watson

neely

2011-10-10T10:03:00.000-07:00

I feel like some part of my world has crashed with that car.

and I think that is how it's suppose to feel.

so here's a post dedicated to the people I grew to love who made some poor choices last night.

and the one who didn't make it out alive.

you touched my life more than you'll ever know.

past and present

2011-10-05T10:51:00.000-07:00

I'm sad today.

Don't care much for much.
I just want something to make sense.
I'm a tad overwhelmed.
Please boy, go away today.
Can't you see that I'll never love you.
And you'll never love me.
Why can't we just let that be.
I don't want to be with you today.
I just want to be alone.
I want you to know that I care.
That I want something more with you.
But it can't happen.
It just wasn't meant to be.
And today, I am sad.
It is because I know this is true.
It is because I wish that it wasn't.

You may not know this, but I have a high tendency to write blog posts and then not post them. I wrote this particular post in March. March 18th to be exact. Its amazing how I can feel so many of the same feelings.

lucky

2011-09-15T10:52:00.000-07:00

sometimes I just stop and realize how lucky I truly am.

and have been.

and I'm so lucky to have this picture to remind me of picking up trash at six in the morning, finding a frog, and loving that this was the view I had on my birthday.

and really.

sometimes I get caught up in life and what it will bring and I realized that I haven't taken the time to appreciate what it has already brought.

so, today, I realize how lucky I truly am.

a blank canvas

2011-09-09T19:39:00.000-07:00

I wish I had something amazing to say.

some amazing accomplishment to declare to the world.

but I have nothing.

so I guess what I'm saying is that I'm ready.

I am my own artist.

looking at a blank canvas.

waiting for the inspiration of life to come.

you're gonna miss this

2011-08-24T22:41:00.001-07:00

as I pack up and prepare to leave this place

as I have already started to say my goodbyes

the country song keeps coming into my mind.

you're gonna miss this.

you're gonna want this back.

you're going to wish these days hadn't gone by so fast...

and it's true

there were many days where I wished this experience away

but I've always known that I'm going to miss it.

the people here are so real.

they are people that have taught me so much about life.

I've learned so much here.

but I guess I can learn anywhere.

it just is never going to be the same.

I may have mentioned before

or I may not have

I can never remember

but I'm really good at appreciating

things

people

and places

after they're gone.

I think the fact that I appreciate this place now

before I'm gone

might be a sign of maturity.

or not.

who knows.

but I'm glad that I love this place.

I've learned so much,

I was going to make a post on all the things I've learned.

but it was too hard.

just know

I've learned so much.

I love this place.

it will always hold a place in my heart.

and as much as I've had my hard times.

that's what has made it an adventure.

and that is what life is all about.

2011-08-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

As a beginning freshman in college, I did not go through the same traditions as others.

I chose to not live in a dorm or with people my age.

I chose to not go to orientation and to just have my brother show me where my classrooms were.

I had worked the whole summer with sixty other BYU students.

I had friends.

I had people to help me make it through a rocky first semester.

But I also had only one friend my age.

As a freshman in college,

You need freshmen friends.

Friends going through the same scary, embarrassing, exhilarating moments as you.

I desperately needed those friends.

And with some hard work and patience.

Two girls took me into their circle.

Through our first semester, we saw each other five days a week.

We were there for each other for every freshman moment.

As the second semester started,

I only got to see one of them, three days a week.

She and I never really got along at first.

But by the end of the semester,

We needed each other.

We went through everything together that semester:

Dating, boys, first kisses, break ups, new jobs, new places to live.

Every time we saw each other we had some important news.

Then she got engaged.

Then, on Friday.

She got married.

She looked so happy.

They both looked so happy.

They looked scared.

Going into the unknown.

But they had hope in their eyes.

Because they had each other.

I know that's a tad sappy.

But that's what they looked like.

As I left their wedding reception,

I took off my shoes and got an overwhelming feeling of how lucky I am.

I felt so strongly of the freedom I always crave.

I felt like I was unstoppable.

Which is strange,

because most times events like weddings remind me how alone I am.

But I felt amazing.

I just couldn't help but run.

I ran and breathed in the clean air.

I felt the breeze in my face and the concrete under my feet.

I felt so alive.

It was impulsive.

It was crazy.

But it was everything I needed.

And I loved it.

Because I am young,

I am alive.

And I am incredibly free.

the leaving game

2011-07-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

its funny how easy it is to forget the people who leave

yet how hard it is for the people who leave to forget

I always seem to be the one who leaves.

I am always the one who wants to leave.

but I realized at a young age

that leaving makes you wonder what could have happened if I stayed.

each time I leave

I start a new life

I make loads of new friends

and am faced with the constant struggle to have the old ones remain

I just love having friends

but I leave them

I don't treat them right I think

I leave and meet new people

and expect them to remember me

expect them to think of me like I think of them

I'm the leaving kind

but I don't like to be left

it's not easy to leave

but oft times I leave with the intention of going back

and then having everything I left waiting for me

that's not how it works

it's not possible

we're all living our lives

things and people change every day

I change willingly

but expect everything else to stay the same

each day I'm finding more and more how selfish I am.

and I wouldn't want to be anyone else

2011-07-13T23:22:00.000-07:00

it's funny how much I find myself wanting freedom.

I crave the freedom of being myself.

A 100% individual.

Today, my friend asked me out of all the girl's we work with,

which one's body would I want.

I hated that question.

Why is it that so many people want to be like someone else, yet claim originality?

How is it that someone can be an individual if they spend all their time wishing they were someone else?

Part of me wanted to be offended at her question.

In my mind, my body is pretty amazing.

I mean, I have two legs, two arms.

All my appendages are in the right place.

I can walk, I can run.

I have hair, I have teeth, I have health.

And I have a fully functioning brain.

What's not to like about all that?

I can't help to feel sorry for people who spend all their time wishing they could look like someone else.

Instead of getting offended, I just said that I wouldn't want anyone else's body, I'm more comfortable in my own skin.

(and really, I would hate anyone else to want to have my body. It's mine, and we've been through a lot together, I have too many

memories and x-rays to give it up)

It's pretty spectacular the freedom I have to love myself for who I am.

And really, everyone does.

I just cannot express how much I wish that everyone did.

words set me free

2011-07-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

Today is my day off.

I woke up at eight thirty and started reading my book. I haven't even managed to get out bed to even eat or get a drink of water or shower.

I keep thinking of things I could be doing with my day.

I think of the run I need to go on, the hike I want to take, the breakfast or lunch to eat, the yoga to do, the people to call, to text, the social contact to make. I think of the friend who leaves in an hour for two years. The friend who I have been living down the street from for two months and have managed to see once a week. But the friend I'm going to miss all the same.

I think of all these things-

and then I go back to reading.

It reminds me of childhood.

The summer I read all the Harry Potter books, the summer I read the first three Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants books.

I would just wake up and read.

Eventually, I'd get out of bed and swim and do something amazing with my life and family.

But my days always started in some one else's world. The world of the fictional characters who seem still like old familiar friends.

A year ago, I went through a phase where I wouldn't read because I'd get lost in someone else's life and waste my own.

Now as I read, I feel like I'm getting back in touch with my younger self. The self that knew that there were twenty four hours in a day and had no problem spending just some of them with my nose in a book.

Life was more simple there. In that world. In the heat of California.

I had no responsibilities.

All I had to do was be happy.

Isn't that such an easy task.

Now I feel the need to stay in touch with everyone.

To know about their lives to feel like my life exists.

Back then, I had an identity. I knew who I was and all I needed was my mom, dad, and brothers to survive.

That holds true still.

But there are more truths now.

I now need my friends.

But as much as I need them in my life to survive.

My life can survive without them.

And for now, I will read.

I will read until I get up and run.

And then, I will read some more.

And I- will be happy.

spooooon

2011-06-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

So we were thinking,

"oh they cuddled"

but really

they were eating with spoons.

Sometimes you can't believe everything you hear.

Sometimes we can't judge people based on what we hear.

I just don't have much to say, but at the same time. I have so many things to say. I'm just in this mood where I just don't even know. I'm stuck.

But I'm here.

And I'm alive.

And I'm well.

no problem has a final solution

2011-06-13T21:22:00.000-07:00

every solution is just an admission ticket to another problem

rock thoughts

2011-05-28T16:50:00.000-07:00

The other day, I had the afternoon off and decided to spend some quality time in nature, and luckily enough, I never go anywhere without a sketch book and some scratch paper. So as I walked along a river I found a beautiful spot and sat and pondered a while and got up and decided to further my search and found the perfect rock, I got out my paper and started writing. And this is what came:

You never know if there's something better down the road. Sometimes you have to give up something good to get to something better. But when do you reach THE BEST? How will you ever know? Isn't it sometimes okay to settle because you're the happiest you've ever been. You may be able to reach that same level of happiness, but will you ever be able to surpass to surpass it? I think I like rivers so much because of the sound of the water, it reminds me of the ocean. That's where I've been happiest around water I think. Makes me sad for this beautiful river, because it just isn't doing it for me.

I don't want my life to be that way.

I don't want to have to settle for a river if I know there's and ocean.

I am now developing a system in which I can quickly and easily compare boys to water.

oh bother

2011-05-15T21:43:00.000-07:00

1. Yesterday, my best friend got married.

Then in church, we got a marriage talk.

Then at our fireside. We got another marriage talk.

I don't care, I will someday.

But I really would appreciate hearing about something new and exciting for a change.

2. I use to love weddings. But now they're stressful.

3. I should be too young to have to think about these things.

4. I hope I don't have to go to another wedding for a while.

5. As complicated as my feelings are about love and marriage and stuff. This will always be one of my favorite places in the world.

everything in its rightful place

2011-05-04T18:23:00.000-07:00

in the sunshine today, I sat in the grass and looked at the place I sometimes call home (although, the location of my home has become very- not solid). but I sat in the sunshine, in complete, utter happiness, and wondered how I came to be in such a perfect situation.

then quickly realized that it wasn't important.

I am happy. I have my family. I have my friends.

and the sun is shining.

the sky is a beautiful blue

and grass, gorgeous green.

there is not much more this girl could ever ask for. ever.

missing you

2011-05-01T14:34:00.000-07:00

it's amazing how accustomed I have become to missing. I never in my life thought I could miss so much. missing is kind of a sad occurrence in a life. missing is to say that you had something great, something that you cared for deeply, and lost. I think people often misuse the word "miss".

I was just looking at some pictures and found myself saying:

I miss my yellow wall.

How could I be as selfish as to think that something as menial as a yellow wall was worth that verb. Moments before I was missing a color, I was missing people. Real people who have touched my life.

People are worth missing.

So many things we miss because of the memories attached. So many times, we miss things just because we are uncomfortable with the changes going on around us.

Of all the things, places, and moments I miss, I also feel regret or sadness when I miss them.

Regret in that I didn't take advantage of the perfect moments.

Sadness that I didn't appreciate these things more while I had them.

Yet as much as I miss these things, I feel that the time I take missing them, I am making more things to miss.

But to miss a person, is different. To miss a person is to miss the feelings, the memories, the things, the words, their smile, their laughter. A person is a wonderful thing to miss. And I have learned that no matter where I go or what I do, I am going to be missing some one. I may choose to not miss a thing or a place, but to choose to not miss a person is quickly becoming obvious to me something that I cannot do.

But as much as I miss, I feel the importance not waste the time I have.

the last thing I want to miss is opportunities.

because as ridiculous as it is to miss my yellow wall

it would be worse to miss the time I thought I about painting my wall yellow.

here I sit

2011-04-27T22:16:00.000-07:00

Tonight I find myself waiting, fingers at the ready, for something deep and thoughtful. Something wise and profound. I feel like something as monumental as breaking up with my first college boyfriend, finishing my first year of college, my brother's marriage, and moving back home for a short while would inspire some sort of beautiful feelings to be written down and shared with the world on my blog.

On the contrary.

My usual stream of consciousness writing has stopped.

I feel empty.

Empty of thoughts.

I feel so much, but nothing at all.

I want so much.

But can't.

For so long, I've been waiting.

And now, I'm realizing, that I've been waiting for the wrong things.

It's time for new dreams.

New things to wait for.

Or maybe, for waiting to stop all together.

I've missed you

2011-04-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure why or how and I'm not even sure quite when, but I started playing ultimate Frisbee and my life has never been the same.

so naturally,

when I got home from the longest week of my life

all I wanted to do was see my friends

but mostly play some ultimate.

and that is precisely what happened.

and you know what...

it may have been a year since we all played together

but nothing had changed.

it was perfect.

the way it's always been with us.

and after playing barefoot yesterday

as always

all I could do was look down and say

Hello green feet.

I've missed you.

a thank you

2011-04-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

thank you

I decapitated a bug today!

2011-04-08T15:27:00.000-07:00

I felt really bad, and then I remembered it was already dead.

"...then I'm going to the bathroom."

"Do you need help in the bathroom?"

"I feel like I'm three years old"

You're lucky. Today we opened a cooler full and it was full of squid. All of us almost puked.

That's like asking if I want to give away my first child! Yeah, let's dump it.

What are you looking at?

"Robber Fly Genitalia"

cool

I love my job.

far lovelier than ever before

2011-03-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

I just feel like this should be a way of describing something in my life.
I'm not sure what though.

sweet happiness

2011-03-24T12:47:00.000-07:00

because sometimes what is seen is much better than anything that could be said

one of those days

2011-03-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

Some days, I wake up and find myself feeling empty. I just feel like there are some things missing from my life and that I need a small dose if them to even begin to start living my life again (okay, so maybe a little dramatic, but somewhat true).

Usually when I get this feeling I go to my closet, pull on a pair of jeans I stole from my best friend, put on a t-shirt I've had for years, followed by my brother's hoodie and my little brother's baseball hat. I put on my shoes that are so loved that they're falling apart. I find my ring that is connected to every happy thought and a bracelet that my cousin made for me.

Surrounded by every happy memory and everything familiar, I suddenly feel safe and not so empty anymore.

But I find myself turning to this outfit quite a bit.

Only thirteen more months.
I must remind myself.

I'm not Catholic, but...

2011-03-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

This year, Lent kind of snuck up on me. I almost completely missed Ash Wednesday. Luckily, I didn't. I didn't eat any meat and am planning on not eating meat on Fridays until Easter.

I've always appreciated some of the ideas of Lent. I like giving things up just to see and say that I can. I always say that I give something up in order to support my friends. Yet I know deep down, that I give things up for myself and in all reality, the idea of giving something up to bring you closer to Christ is just a splendid tradition that I love to follow.

In past years, I have given up typical childish things that maybe didn't help me grow closer to Christ. Such as:

2008: Soda

2009: Swearing

2010: Mountain Dew

The will power I've gained from giving these things up is spectacular. This year, I intend on giving up Facebook and texting a certain friend of mine who I really shouldn't text in the first place. In order to make this Lent different, I'm not only going to show will power, but also every time I want to talk to this friend or every time I feel like going on Facebook, I'm going to read my scriptures. I'm going to maybe say a little prayer.

And through this, I hope to maybe learn something from the Catholics.

A Scam and an Addiction

2011-02-28T15:31:00.000-08:00

Today, I spoke to a boy who honestly thought that conserving energy was a scam.

Call me crazy, but I don't really see the scam in not blowing up mountains in the south. I don't really seem the scam in simply not using our resources in excess, moderation in all things, yes?

When I was young, there was a population boom in California, and along with the increase in people came a decrease in energy. There seemed to be the thought that if the citizens did not take immediate action, their children and grandchildren would be left in a world of darkness.

There were presentations at school, commercials during normal tv hours, and stories on the evening news of the importance to save our futures and the well-being of the environment. I remember building a strict habit to turn off lights as soon as I left the room, to maybe instead turn on a lamp. Fancy light bulbs were sold as elementary school fund raisers to help save energy for the world. There were so many things that I did not understand then and still don't really understand now. For instance, I have no idea where our energy came from. But I knew that I needed to save it.

I can assure you, that saving energy did not do any bad for the state of California. Yet for some reason, people don't seem to believe that energy needs to be conserved.

I still have the habits that came with the California Energy Crisis (which I did research and is somewhat related to the downfall of Enron, as most things are).

Some people find them annoying, such as my roommate who is probably reading this. Now she understands why I have no problem sitting in a room that is dimly lit (but lit all the same) and function perfectly fine without really thinking twice about the lighting in the room. There was just a point in my life where my brain was programmed to not want the lights on, and even so much that I don't like lights on, I just don't think they're necessary.

Certain individuals, like the boy in my class, would say that I had been BRAINWASHED into this. But you know, I don't think I was, but if I had been, I'm glad. But I'm happy for my habits. I like that I turn everything off all the time. I like that I get annoyed by unnatural lighting. There is honestly few things that bother me more.

I prefer the sunlight.
The pure energy that I can enjoy.

I prefer the moonlight and starlight.

The beauty that comes with it.

I'm beginning to wonder if I really even care about energy or going green. I think I've simply turned into a person addicted to the sun and whatever I can do to have more of it in my life, I will do so.

and in the midst of this winter, the midst of this "scam", my addiction is not making a fight for itself.

come back mr.sun

close to you

2011-02-17T15:47:00.000-08:00

for some reason I have a hard time believing some of the studies done about people. why is it that we are SO obsessed for finding reasons for everything. why is it that a person has to look at a drawing to understand how they feel. people have been thinking and feeling just fine without explanations behind anything for generations.

there's so much that we'll never know.

so much that stupid studies will never explain.

and as I say this, I believe I am putting down half of my peer's major, but really. life is so much easier for those who are not analyzing thought, but actually analyzing through thought. for I am sure each person in this world has been through enough to have a therapist.

for I am sure a therapist would love to dissect my life.

but I will not let them. by nature, I am a problem solver. there is no need for someone to tell me what's wrong and how to fix it.

and if I needed to talk to someone about something, I'd go to my friends. not a random stranger who understands me based on a few surveys and studies.

it's been a long week.
that's all.

the part that can't be put on paper

2011-02-08T18:46:00.000-08:00

My roommates thought it'd be fun to draw their "brains" on our windows. It is interesting to see all the stuff that simply goes on in the head of those around you. Although when looking at the depictions every suspicion I've ever had about left handed people thinking differently has been confirmed. What my roommates chose to depict were lots of things I'd never even think of as the goings on in my brain.

Tonight a boy was walking by and stopped and looked at the window and then came inside to inquire about it. One of my roommates and I informed him that it was a depiction of the brains of two of our other roommates. He stopped and looked a little more at the window and said quite honestly,

"Where's all the ----- well, you know ----- the confusing stuff?"

My roommate and I looked at each other and laughed responding that the confusing stuff could never be put down on paper.

this made me think

why couldn't my roommates just write down the confusing things? were they afraid? could they not put it into words? was it actually difficult for them? or did they just want to keep those kind of things secret? I think that's what makes me different. If someone told me to depict my brain. I would include EVERY bit of the messy confusing parts that even I don't fully understand. It is because it's so confusing that it's such a big part of what is going on. A depiction of my brain would not form full complete comprehensive thoughts. Just words and happy pictures that come to mind. The truth is, the confusing stuff can be put down on paper.

But it's still going to be confusing.

after laughing about the insanity of a woman's train of thought, my roommate got a text and started freaking out. She started to explain, but couldn't put into words that the boy could understand, but words that I understood perfectly. But as she was running out of the room to grab her shoes, the boy said,

"this is the part that can't be put on paper."

anxiously engaged

2011-02-05T22:06:00.001-08:00

two of my best friends are embarking on adventures that are going to last each them an eternity

my happiness and love for each is so great it cannot be worded

I fell asleep on my couch last night. It reminded me of all those nights in high school when I had done the same. I had a lot to think about a lot to reminisce.

a lot of unknown.

a lot of happiness.

maybe one day, life will be an adventure for me.

maybe one day-

someone will feel this great amount of happiness for me.

but for now-

I get to feel this amazing amount of happiness for two people I love dearly.

for now-

that is all I really want anyway.

so life, and friends-

bring on the happy times.

my lucky stars

2011-01-30T10:10:00.000-08:00

Being a mere five foot two inches, I have a knack for standing on top of things. If I'm with a group of people and every one is standing, I'll find a chair or a ledge, or anything raised and just stand a top it. Being just a few inches taller makes me feel like I have more power, or sometimes, it just helps me see the world at a different perspective. Sometimes when I'm nice and taller, I like to look up to the sky and feel closer to the marvelous things that it contains.

Last night, while walking around my apartment complex, I looked up and saw my friends on the roof and gladly joined them. I live on the third floor and love it. But there was something about being on the roof. There were no boundaries, I felt above the people of the world. As I looked down and around me, I noticed the endless amount of streetlights, going for what seemed like forever. Shining and reminding me of all the people I'm surrounded by. It was a spectacular feeling.

But then I looked up. And I noticed, that because of the lights on the ground, the sky that I was allowed to feel so at one with, was not as lit up as I'd ever seen a sky. But it was still a wonderful sight. Stars are beautiful things, whether there are few or all shining in the sky above.

After my friend played some beautiful songs on the guitar and I danced along, I came down to reality, climbed into my bed, turned off my light and looked at the ceiling. And saw the stars. I've always loved the fact that there are glow in the dark stars on the ceiling of my room that actually work and even though they're not real, they remind me of what I'd be seeing if there was not a ceiling at all.

the rain still makes me think of you

2011-01-17T12:47:00.000-08:00

The sky likes to remind me that it's still there. It likes to gently change from light to dark, and sometimes, when unappreciated, or needs some love, or wants to share some love.

It give a little to the earth. Just a reminder that the sky is still there and it plays a role in our lives.

In April, a friend of mine passed away. It was a life changing experience for me. But one thing I learned after his death, is that he always loved the rain. So have I. But now, when it rains, there's a little something more behind it all. Sometimes is brings me happiness, just pure joy. Sometimes, it brings sorrow, or even frustration. And a lot of times, it just brings thoughtfulness. Yesterday, it rained. And I just thought, about life, about my friend, about what the rain means to me. I read a journal entry I wrote this summer during a rain. It ended with

"you are always with me, I hope it rains."

I may not have seen this friend, or even talked to him is years, but he changed my life by losing his.

and I think it's going to rain today...

2011-01-14T14:50:00.000-08:00

I was going through a notebook from my junior year of high school today. That seems like it was forever ago, it was only two years, a lot has happened since those days. I hate to say it, but I think those were possibly the best days of my life. Most of what I remember from junior year is the pure happiness I always felt. Nothing could bring me down.

It's not that I'm not happy now, it's just that I don't seem to have that pure joy that comes from knowing who my friends are, knowing that I'm doing the right thing. Knowing that someone is there for me no matter what happens. And succeeding in just about everything that I try at. But it is quite alright that this happiness is not here, it makes me enjoy the happiness I have now, and look forward to a day when that happiness comes again.

I was in class, looking at this notebook, avoiding the discussion, and I came across a list of 25 ideas for a speech that I would be writing in the next year. I looked at all these topics and realized that I use to be my own person, I use to believe in things, fight for what I believed and contributed to conversation. It seems that the happiness I had gave me confidence, I was willing to be that person that I know I am. So I am now in search of my opinion, my feisty self that I lost somewhere with all the low stress, happy life.

it's not my fault that when I was a baby I was dropped in a box of glitter
[and I've been shining ever since]

calculus and religion

2011-01-10T14:07:00.000-08:00

and I take off and fly away,
living the life I've always believed.
then maybe, I think,
I hope that one day,
you'll start to miss me.
and if you do-
find yourself missing me while I'm out for a fly,
you might find yourself wishing me back,
and if I hear you, I'll try to come quick.
but I might not be thinking or listening for you,
or your call.
I might no remember you,
or your love,
at all.
you should have missed me all along.
you should have missed me before I was gone.
you lost your chance.
you had me and let me go.
it's over now, but you should know.

you could have had me.
I would have stayed.

but you would not love me

so I flew away.

when the day comes

2011-01-05T14:18:00.000-08:00

Did you know that following your dreams and following your heart are two different things?

I wonder if in my life- the two will line up. I hope that I won't have to choose. Because I'm much too passionate.

I will choose the wrong one, I am quite sure of it.

I Fell Asleep in Your Arms

2011-01-01T15:46:00.000-08:00

While I was home, I went to see my friends puppies often. They were born the night before I arrived and all they really did was eat and sleep, each one would fall asleep in your hands. Small and vulnerable, these puppies so willingly trusted me to protect them. They couldn't see me, yet here they were, dozing gently in my arms. I fell in love with each one of them.

I wish I was as innocent as a newborn puppy. Only knowing that being held means warmth and love. Not everyone who holds you brings warmth and love. Did you know that? Sure, at the moment, it may seem like it. But later on, you don't feel the warmth. You feel the chill of their soul, and instead of love, bitterness.

While I held a puppy, he would sometime twitch, I would wonder if he was dreaming and what possibly a blind newborn puppy could dream about. I'm sure it would be nothing short of wonderful imagination at it's finest. I have always been one to dream while I sleep. I can't always remember my dreams, I know they happen, I sometimes I even know that they are happening. Most times I can change them while they are happening. When I can remember them, I wonder. Is there a reason why? Is there a deeper meaning? Should I keep those who are in them in close view in the months to come? Or should I perhaps leave these wonderful thoughts and ideas in my sleeping mind? Why is my sleeping mind doing this to me? Why? Why? Why?

I don't have answers. Perhaps I have one, life would just be so much easier if I could simply be a puppy.

counting to a hundred

2010-12-07T15:10:00.000-08:00

At BYU, it is common place to here a lot about marriage. Everywhere I go is seems there is someone engaged, newly married, or even just dating someone. At first I would look around and feel overwhelmed because I don't WANT to be in that position right now. Then I started looking around and was overwhelmed because I WANTED to be, but wasn't. Then, I started to be overwhelmed because I don't WANT to be in that position, but felt like I had to be. Overall, dating life here is a super overwhelming experience. Because, of course, the inevitable happened. Well, it was inevitable for me, others don't seem to have this problem. But it happened. Just you know, the thing that happens with me. But you see, there is a problem that a lot of "men" suffer from here.

It's called "commitment".

Either that's all they want or they want to steer as clear away from it as possible. This is the kind of thing that happens when you're in an atmosphere where everyone believes you have to secure a ticket into the celestial kingdom right now. And trust me, I find it overwhelming too. There is no socially acceptable dating medium.

But I'm all for doing things that aren't socially acceptable.

But the social world has driven away some really spectacular men from the dating world.

I see it everywhere. And here I am, in the midst of it. Staring at the back of one of those spectacular men as he runs away making me think that I don't know who he really is. Yet at the same time, he put the words in my head.

"So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek"

So here I wait, for what I don't know. Someone else, divine inspiration, him, a sign. Anything. I'm just playing the waiting game. But I know one thing, everything is going to work out and there's no need to play the "feel stressed over this" game.

I'm counting to one hundred, and I promise, I won't peek.

this is the real world

2010-12-01T22:14:00.000-08:00

My mind is running.
Sleep is hard.
So many thoughts.
So much going on.
My mind is open.
A book.
Poorly written.
Read it.
Understand.
Not much sense.
But it's what it is.

Poetry Fits

2010-11-23T13:13:00.000-08:00

I jumped in, dove head first,
when I hit the bottom I didn't think it'd hurt.
The water felt good.
I was addicted to it's touch.
I got stuck,
swimming in a pool of lust.
I need to put my head above water,
breathe the air.
But I was drowning in a sea of fear.
I'd get so close,
I'd feel the air to gasp,
but fall back in the water
by my attraction's firm grasp.
---------------------------------------------------
Quiet noise, a subtle rumble
She's there alone, waiting to crumble.
All is lost,
All is gone,
She doesn't know how long she can hang on.
The breakdown is coming,
She can feel it.
She doesn't mind as long as someone can heal it.
There is no one to run to.
Her world is falling to pieces,
Her confusion never ceases.
She needs a friend,
Someone who knows best.
Just a friend and she won't worry about the rest.
------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes it just comes to me, it isn't always about my life. It just comes and I have to write.

It's just hair

2010-11-15T04:19:00.000-08:00

So it's been a while...but, I've still been finding things to be grateful for.

November 8th: Monday was a super depressing day. But I was grateful that I got to see Mary and laugh and talk with her.

November 9th: On Tuesday, I was grateful for the sunshine after a long rainy Monday. I was grateful for the courage to stand up in what I believe in. I was grateful for freedom as I tore down a mock Berlin Wall. Oh, and I'm also grateful that I finally made cookies...nom nom nom Oh, and that I was able to help out a friend and in the process, learn more about another friend and volunteer to go on a photshoot.

November 10th: I was grateful that Dr.Howard let us out of Music Civ early. Then I was grateful that I was able to escape to Jessie's and just be.

November 11th: I was grateful for being so nervous about my physical science test that instead of going home afterward, I went to the library and actually got all of my homework done.

November 12th: I was grateful for a Brazillian boy who couldn't sleep so that I could get a job! I was grateful for the time I was able to spend with my roommates just being us. And I was grateful for Courtney who let my talk to her. A LOT. And who also took me grocery shopping.

November 13th: I was grateful for courage. For the courage to just go...and just....chop all of my hair off. Best decision I ever made.

November 14th: I was grateful for Thomas's mother who made us all dinner and that we have a Sunday dinner family. I was grateful for all the people who complimented me and for the confidence I simply just radiated.

Today....today I am grateful for a job. I'm grateful for the people who are looking out for me and doing some pretty crazy things just to make sure that I can get to and from work safely. I'm grateful for the crazy hours so that I can continue working on homework and hopefully come up with a study schedule that will be benificial to me. This is all going to work out.

["oh my flippin cow"]
[[---my twin on my new hair]]

An Important Cause

2010-11-07T10:45:00.000-08:00

Today, our cause is to save daylight. Daylight has been suffering greatly lately due to the seasonal change. It's life was at risk and today, we are attempting to save this friend of ours. The daylight. And may I just mention, that I really am suffering in the attempt. Gaining an hour of time in a life that already seems to drag is just another hour of time that I need to be productive in. I already have enough trouble with the 24 hour days, let's just add a 25 hour one.

In the third grade, I gained my extreme uncomfortableness with the whole idea of daylight savings. My teacher had us write a journal entry on the exciting event and let's just say, I didn't really understand what I was writing about. On Monday, the teacher had graded all the journal entries and she said that there was a lot of confusion and that she was going to read an example of a poor journal entry and one of a superior one. Let's just say, that was the first and only time that I was immensely ashamed of a teacher reading my work in class. And even if it was more of a bash on my writing than on my grasp of the concept. I will always blame daylight savings time on that embarrassment.

But at the same time, there are still many things I'm grateful for about saving daylight. For one, it made me a better writer. This year, it will allow me a chance to redeem myself and maybe I'll start waking up on time in the morning so I can get use to the whole 8 am class thing. I also get a whole hour more of weekend and more importantly a whole hour more of Sabbath. I love how relaxing Sundays are and the way they can rejuvenate me and prepare me for the upcoming week. So in a way, saving daylight is saving me, so I guess I'll just be happy for it.

In addition, I would just like to say that:
November 4: I was grateful for my mom who called me and was the only person I talked to during eight hours of studying.
November 5: I was grateful for Emily and laughter, and also Rachel and Jamisyn, they are wonderful to me.
November 6: Yesterday I was grateful that I got to spend a whole day with my Jeffery. I had missed him a lot and I kind of miss him already.
November 7: I'm grateful for saving daylight.

Honey, let me sing you a song-
Listen to my words as they come out wrong...

I am Thankful

2010-11-03T12:06:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving is a beautiful meaning with a wonderful concept attached to it. Since it is now the most wonderful month of November, I'm going to find something to be grateful for each day, something small, but wonderful.

November 1: On Monday, I was grateful for Albert and his voice of reason when everyone else seemed to be telling me what things I should do, Albert told me to simply do what makes me happy.

November 2: Yesterday, I was grateful for Rachel because she made me dinner and listened to me talk. Oh, and Jamisyn, because she's always such a great friend. I love those girls.

November 3: Today may not be over yet, but today I am grateful for Autumn who wrote a post on her blog last week that I found today and loved. Today I'm grateful for the sling around my arm and the fact that it helps me heal. Today I'm grateful for the beautiful music that Pandora is playing. I'm thankful for random memories and old friends. Today I am grateful that I was late to my Writing class so I could sit next to Mallory in the back. I'm grateful that Mallory is kind of a kindred spirit to me. I'm thankful that Jessie is going to come see me tonight, just because she misses me from the last time I saw her on Monday night.

Today, I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a lot to be grateful for everyday. And we should be grateful everyday, this month, I'm going to be.

In this past week I have been so grateful for all the love and help and support I've received from the people I'm surrounded by. My shoulder is healing, but I still struggle, but I definitely would not be as well off without those who have helped me or even just care to love me. Because, I know that I can be really super difficult when I'm injured. All I know is that when I start to feel super better, I have a LOT of thank you cards to write.

the best(bastion) thing that's ever been mine

2010-10-30T14:09:00.000-07:00

I hate to admit it, but I enjoy Taylor Swift's music. I don't think it's a fad thing, I think that I genuinely like her music. One thing that she always has right is that she's real. Any girl could relate to Taylor's lyrics. Most people would see that as a negative quality because it seems like she's writing about cliche things. But really, she's writing about her own life and I hate to say this, but most girls feel and experience the same things in their lifetimes. Her new song is entitled, "Mine". The music video came out and the song is portrayed as a beautiful story of a girl who is afraid of love because of her parent's divorce and then her actually falling in love and living a life with someone that will never leave her.

Now, how can I even closely relate to that?

It turns out that the song is actually about how she had been on a few dates with a boy and the moment that he put his arm around her, she saw a whole life with him pass before her eyes. Now this, this is something that 90% of girls can relate to.

My roommate and I were once discussing with some male folk how girls feel when they meet a new guy. Most girls when just learning a boy's name immediately start envisioning what their life would be like together. It's not even based on feelings really. It's just the idea of endless possibilities that really sparks a girls imagination. Every what if can be answered with another what if and eventually, a whole life is planned with this guy who you really don't know. At all.

So now every time I meet a new interest of the male persuasion, I continue to let my imagination run wild and I think about the endless possibilities, because I'll never know if he might just be the best thing that's ever been mine. Oh Taylor Swift, I wish I wasn't so okay with your music narrating my life.

[[YES, YES! I can see it now...]]

I am a Jerk

2010-10-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

"No. Not cool. My friends. I get to do what I want with them and they like me better because I"m a person with my own personality and a sense of humor. She can't be herself because, "herself" is not as "popular" as she'd like to be, and she's an "actor", it's easy for her to be someone else. Even if that someone else is me. I'm not flattered, she doesn't play the role of me well. I am fantastic."

....

I actually said that about someone, the thief of my identity. I am a terrible person. I feel like I should go repent now. But then I remember, that's how I actually feel.

In case you thought I was a great person, you should know the truth, I suck. I am not fantastic. I am an independent girl and I know who I am, but I'm selfish and I think there should only be one me.

[[Yeah...love me or hate me, I'm still shinin']]

The House that Built Me

2010-10-19T09:15:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went home. It was the best consecutive four days, well five days, because Wednesday was pretty good too, that I've had in a long long time. Then I came back to Provo and probably had one of the worse days that I've ever had in my life. You see, when you ditch two days of classes and then come back to realize that you have two midterms you HAVE to take on Monday, life is not fun. But I made it, I'm still alive, and hey- dropping out of college is not too bad of an idea right?

Long story short, going home was so worth it. I felt like a movie star when I showed up to the football game and my name was yelled across the crowd. I loved seeing my cousin and my twins. I loved harassing my little brother from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. I also loved not having any responsibilities or having to make my own food. I got to gossip like a little girl again, but also show people that I'd grown up, and also see how others had grown up. When I think about it, it feels like I've been gone forever, but it's really only been like, five months. The longest five months of my life I think. But overall I got to see all of my friends and I really didn't want to leave, ever.

But once I think about it, coming back wouldn't be nearly as fun if I never left.

I'm back in Provo right now, life couldn't be more of a mess. But the thing about messes is that they can be cleaned up. Time to be a grown up again. Time to study, find a job, be a good friend, be a good roommate, and to adjust to people that don't know me like my friends back home do. I've been rejuvenated and remember who I am now. Now it's time to keep that in mind and become who I need to be. Life is confusing, it's hard, it's never perfect, but it's life, and I'm suppose to live it.

[[here we go (again)]]

I am a Writer

2010-10-12T17:33:00.001-07:00

My roommate and I decided that we were going to watch a movie and manage to be productive, just to prove that we could in fact, watch a movie AND be productive. For me, it was a success, I don't know so much about her. But all in all, the thing that helped me the most was the choice of movie. We watched Julie and Julia. I am completely impassioned, if that's even a word, about everything.

This movie, isn't just about cooking and good food. It's not even about the life of two women whose lives were completely different but connected through the love of food. These are all wonderful things. These are wonderful truths, yet there is another theme. It's about a woman finding her life, and regaining her confidence in her talent of writing. It's about a writer, learning that it's okay to write.

I love to write, thus the blog. I love the way words can be strung together. I have always thought that maybe, just maybe, it was a talent. At one point in my life, I wanted to be a writer. It was a dream. It's a dream for most people I believe.

I have other passions though. I am in love with the language of mathematics, it makes my life make more sense. Photography makes me feel so alive, I sometimes find I can't explain it. Soccer gives me reason for breath, while on the field, it is my only care in the world. Sitting in front of a piano, I feel as if I can conquer the world. Playing the trumpet, I feel like I already have. It is easy to feel passionate about so many things. I don't even have to be talented in these things, and I can assure you that I am not, but I feel for them feelings of such love and devotion that I cannot simply choose which I can love more.

I don't think I've ever felt this way for writing. But I realize now, that writing is my passion. It is not my only passion. I have decided firmly that I want to do math, everyday, for the rest of my life. To get into BYU, I wrote an essay on why I found math was one the most central parts of my creativity. As I wrote that essay, I realized that math was my calling in this life. But today, I realized that in finding my passion for math, I realized that it must take a lot of talent to write about creating things by simply solving a math equation.

Each time I finish writing something, I feel a sense of accomplishment that I do not often feel in my life. There are very few things that make me feel as writing does. It may not be my strong point, and let's be honest, I don't know what my strong point might be. But there is one thing for certain.

I am a writer.

[(never give up on what you truly love to do)]

Spare Change

2010-10-08T10:21:00.000-07:00

As a unemployed college student, life is hard. Money is hard to come by, and let's be honest, I'll do anything for free food. My roommates and I call it "food whore-dom." Free food is pretty much the best thing that could happen in a day.

Knowing that college was coming soon, last year I started to save quarters for laundry. It turns out that you don't need quarters, you need large bills to put money on your laundry card. It's actually kind of obnoxious, because now I have a ton of quarters that in all reality are useless for anything else I ever will need money for. Let's face it, the use of coins and even currency is kind of a dying practice in today's world.

At this moment you may be thinking to yourself, "Nice points, but they're not really related."

WRONG

Because I don't need all those quarters and I do need food, the quarters have gone to my emergency craving budget. Like last night, I was REALLY craving cookies. So, I walked to the little grocery store across the street, and used three beautiful quarters to pay for some Grandma's cookies. I am looking very much forward to the future use of this spare change.

The food may not be free. But for some reason, I don't feel so bad about buying it.

.:Forget your coins, I want CHANGE:.

Fearless

2010-10-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

On Monday, it stormed a glorious storm. My friends and I were enjoying root beer floats as it started to rain, and when we finished, it was pouring. So we went out to enjoy it. And we pretty much went insane. We danced all through the complex and then had the great idea to take pictures. It was a most wonderful photo shoot in the pouring rain. I was so happy, I wanted to fly! I told so many people that I had fulfilled my dreams and danced in the rain.

The rain does funny things to people, there is just something about it. The smell, the wet feel, the cold, the constant feel of something different. Well, maybe it's just me. I love the rain. It reminds me of home. It makes me feel warm, even in the coldest of rains.

Today, it rained again, I was with a friend. I didn't keep some of my promises to my friends and dance again. But we did walk a long walk and just let it rain. It was wonderful. I love the rain. I love life in the rain. I want it to rain forever.

[[There's something about the way the street looks when it's just rained]]

My Favorie Letter

2010-10-01T11:46:00.001-07:00

I realize that my most previous blog post could have been a little misleading. As much as I generally like the Media Center, it is not actually my favorite spot on campus, just my favorite spot in the library. In all reality, my absolute favorite place on campus is the math lab. I adore it there. I love it. I love getting help and helping others and the sound of people talking math. It’s like heaven, well, it’s what my heaven will be like. I love math.

Once I was in an Aca-Deca interview and my interviewer asked me why in the world I would want to be an accountant. I responded, “Because I love numbers and I want to use them every day for a long time....and I don’t like science.” It’s that simple. I just like numbers. I like it when an equation works out perfectly and all the work that is organized between answer and problem, it’s like a release.

One of the other things that I somewhat strongly appreciate about mathematics is it’s glorification of the letter x. Think about words and everything in life and the neglect of the little x. Math give x purpose, it gives it meaning. Consequently, x is my favorite favorite favorite letter. I love it. Most people don’t have a favorite letter; they may even find that a person with a favorite letter is kind of strange.

But let’s face it…I’m strange. And there’s just no getting around it.

[[hmm...nothing to do? I'll go hang out in the Math Lab]]

The White Wall In Front of Me

2010-09-30T09:21:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, my friends from my writing class introduced me to the Media Center. I have decided that it is probably the best place in the Harold B. Lee Library, and I mean, there's a lot of stuff here, but I'm pretty sure that the Media Center wins, hands down. It's just a room full of people on computers, watching movies, doing homework, writing papers and 80% of them all have headphones on.

It's WONDERFUL.

I went there yesterday to write a paper that I had absolutely NO desire to write, and in the two and a half hours is took me to force the paper onto the screen, I fell in absolute love with the Media Center. It's bright and happy, and if you sit in the back looking at the wall, you don't even notice the world moving around you.

It's so peaceful.

Now, when I'm in the Media Center, I feel like I should have homework to do online. This is not a common occurrence in my classes, but I can assure that I will find a way to get there as much as possible. Like everyday possible.

I'm actually in the Media Center RIGHT NOW.

There's something else, besides the getaway from the world to do homework. It is the precious gem of the Media Center that I found today. When I found this, I cried, well not really, but there was probably that much emotion and joy in my heart upon coming across this program. I will assure you that I will probably be in the media center a lot from now on.

I found Photoshop.

[[Harold B. Lee Library: Study like a Scholar, Scholar]]

To Fall in Love

2010-09-27T19:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know quite when it happened, or why, or how, but I fell in love a few years ago.

I fell in love with the art of photography. I am so madly passionate for it that I often have an itching to hold a camera in my hand. There are so many moments to catch. So many things that happen, that no one bothers to notice. I think that may be how I fell in love with photos. I would see so many things in life that I wanted to save forever. But I didn't want to save them just with writing or with a boring old picture. I wanted to take a picture with character. I became obsessed. I love not only taking the perfect picture, but being able to bring out it's greater qualities for everyone to see. It just makes me feel so happy I guess is the right word, maybe even blissful.

I don't have a camera. It breaks my heart, everyday. Everyday I see things and say, man, I wish I could capture that. Sometimes when I'm stressed or busy, I want to take a break and just go take pictures. But I don't have a camera. It makes life hard to be so passionate about something and not to have it. But I can assure you, I'm going to make it. I think that it will just make me appreciate my camera that much more once I actually get a job and buy one.

The thing about photography, is that it makes me happy. But I don't like, feel a strong desire to have everyone see. I just want to enjoy it. I just want to have it to look back on. Someday, I'm going to have my pictures hanging from the walls of my home or even my apartment and just seeing them will bring joy into my life.

[In this moment, now capture it, remember it]

Gee, I'm Opinionated!

2010-09-22T14:29:00.000-07:00

So in my writing class today we got into groups to exchange our opinion editorials. I gave my paper to three of my classmates and in return they gave me theirs. I know for a fact that mine isn't perfect, especially since I completely rewrote the entire thing in two hours yesterday. But as I read the papers of my fellow classmates, I realized that I'm super critical, and with some, I wondered if they had ever learned how to write.

The first one I read was titled "Cherish the Experience". It was a touching little piece about how a student could make the best of their freshmen year of college. Her arguments were that studying and classes were stressful, so she talked about having good study habits and then she talked about being more involved with "your peers". She tossed about some of her accomplishments, "sophomore class president", "student body president", "track", "basketball". It ended with a half page on how college only happens once and we need to enjoy it while we can. Presh, really. I guess I've never really been that concerned about not enjoying college because of classes.

The second one I read was titled "Energy Drinks, Good or Bad?" I'll give her fifty billion thousand bonus points on her title creativity. Hers was a very freshman year of high school organized paper. It was well written, don't get me wrong, just poorly organized. She had a lot of facts and it wasn't really, personal. I couldn't really see HER opinion, just the researchers' that she quoted. It got pretty boring by the end. And her thesis statement was like, at the end of the page. I had no idea where she was going with the next two pages until then. And we like, JUST talked about that in class. But hers was definitely the most convincing.

The last one I read, was a good laugh. It was titled "How Dancing Across Campus Can Get Easier". Just ponder that title for a while. I was not quite sure what to expect from her paper, but when I read it...it warmed my little heart. Two words for you, country music. Yes, this paper was not about dancing in general, it was about my peer's uncomfortableness towards "rap" music at school dances. Her arguments were weak and she pretty much made it sound like the students who appreciate dancing to rap music were going to spend a long afterlife in Hell. And then the random point that was a tad irrelevant happened to be that she believed that more slow songs should be played to give dancers a break from the constant "rushed beat". She believed that people should learn how to country swing dance rather than always dancing to the same type of music. I laughed a lot. It is going to take all that is in me to not tear her writing completely apart when I edit her paper, because apparently, I have strong feelings toward it. Apparently.

Now that I have been so critical of my peer's work, I would like to admit that it is an opinion editorial, and my peers may not agree with my paper either. They may in fact, find that it is poorly written. They may not agree with my point of view on following your dreams. But we'll see. But all in all, I think that I might just be a little bit more opinionated than I thought.

[[and I just keep dreaming, not knowing if they'll ever come true]]

Peace for One Day

2010-09-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

September 21st is a Global Cease Fire Day. On this day, doctors, and people with supplies are able to enter countries that are not normally accessible to any one. It's really quite an amazing day. It may be that in the world we may not have long times of peace ever again. But we can and we do have peace for one day. It's something that not many people know about, but it is truly an amazing day when amazing events are able to take place. So may you feel the peace as the whole world experiences it.

[[ peaceforoneday.org ]]

You Made My Happy!

2010-09-19T19:08:00.000-07:00

Some days are just good. That's kind of what today was like. I've decided that some of the best days are spent simply. It's so easy to think that the only way to have a good day is to have every minute planned. But I find the best days are when you just spend your time with good people. It's easy to get so caught up in activities, but sometimes it's best to just sit and talk and laugh. Some of my favorite memories involve just sitting and talking, or even, just driving around singing at the top of our lungs. Those are the good times. There's no existence of time, or responsibility, just friends, being together.

On a side note, on my doorstep tonight, I found a note that said "Cali- You Are Loved!" And then there was a plate of cookies. It was a nice gesture....but there's another girl in our ward named Cali, and that's how she spells it. I'd feel bad if they were for her, we already ate them.

"It's smells like new bracelet."

In the Hunt

2010-09-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

One of my all time favorite past times is looking for jobs. I'm seriously considering adding "filling out job applications" to the list of skills on my resume. No one seems to want such a beautiful, talented, perfect girl to work for them anymore. In all the applications I've filled out, I have had two actual jobs. That is not that many.

Now I'm at college, and I've applied for at least ten jobs and am getting so desperate. I'm considering adding to my applications: I like food, I'll work for that much. It's a little frustrating. The past couple of days have been no good for jobs on the website, but today, I struck gold. I applied for five positions today of varying description.

The first one is a cashier/stocker position at The Creamery.

The second is a phone registrar job. I'm still not so sure all that it entails, but I like to talk and there were FIVE whole positions open. That's a lot.

The third is a "potwashing job", whootsause I can dig it I guess.

The fourth is really hardly a position at all. It's to work concessions at the home football games. So I'd work...five days this semester. Not ideal, but I've done concessions before.

And then the last position I applied for is one that I am hardly qualified to fill at all. Like, I only met two out of the six qualifications. I just REALLY wanted to apply for the job because it's at the Museum of Archeology. I could work at a DINOSAUR MUSEUM if I was qualified. I made myself sounds really awesome though.

If there's one thing I've learned from job hunting, it's to

1. Show your confidence and make it sound like you're really qualified for anything

and

2. Give every job a chance, you'll never know the things you'll learn and experience. So don't just not apply.

"I'm super motivated and excited to learn new skills!"

Starting Again

2010-09-13T14:37:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who just got so busy that she stopped writing in her blog. Now, that she's even busier and and has even more going on, she's going to start again. I'm not starting over, or making a new start, it's just that I'm starting again.

A starting again post has to be especially special. But you see, it's hard to decide what really is special.

Today a boy in my writing class informed me that he was writing his opinion editorial on people have serious addictions to music. When he said that I thought, I am definitely addicted to music. I analyze songs by listening to them over and over and over again. And when I'm not listening to music, I'm playing a musical instrument, and if I'm not doing either of those, there's a good reason.

When I asked him what is so wrong about people being addicted to music, he could not supply an answer. I have a feeling that his opinion editorial is going to be lacking in something.

As for me, I simply cannot decide what to write my opinion editorial on. I have two papers I'm writing and I just can't decide yet which I will turn in.

College life is different every day. There's always something else I could be doing no matter what I'm doing. But I've decided I'm going to make the most of it.

[[[ Some people walk in the RAIN. Others just get WET ]]]

Why aren't I walking down the center of the road?

2009-08-20T12:15:00.001-07:00

So this one time, I was walking on the sidewalk and thought to myself, "Why aren't I walking down the center of the road?"

That was completely irrelevant. But I thought it was a good way to start this post. This post happens to be really boring. So you could probably stop reading right about now.

And then the puppy crossed the street and his family was very happy that he crossed safely. It's a good thing he looked both ways before crossing! Bob-Jim, Sue, and little Jim-Bob ran to greet their poodle, Muffy. Suddenly, a semi being driven by a drunk driver swerved onto the sidewalk and hit the puppy. Goodbye Muffy, we'll miss you, and friends, don't let friends drink and drive (whether or not the semi driver had friends is fairly debatable).

Do you ever just have one of those days? The day where everything is going great, and miracles are happening...but then the stupid person who made a stupid decision ruins it (yeah, you do effect people when you're stupid). So, don't mess up, because no one likes a stupid person.

Uhm, and then they lived happily ever after, just without a puppy.

Life goes on!

Because Life's Too Short Not to Wear Pink Pants

2009-08-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

Maybe just maybe, these days that seem to last forever are just split seconds of eternity. Maybe, just maybe, each moment wasted is a memory never made.
Maybe, just maybe, we may never remember each little thing that happens.
So maybe, just maybe, we should enjoy each moment as it happens.
Because we may never get that moment back.
And maybe, just maybe, life is too short not to.

And if you have nothing better to do, why not just wear pink pants?

The Wedding Date

2009-06-17T16:28:00.001-07:00

So I have been wanting to watch "The Wedding Date" for a REALLY long time, but I don't actually have it. So when it came on TV on Saturday, I got real excited. But I had to leave after the first hour to go set up a surprise party for a friend. He turned 18. I can't believe there are people my age turning 18. I wish I could stay 16 forever. So anyway...that was fun. And then on Monday I was having an ice cream party with some friends and one said she had the movie recorded, so we started watching it, and about thirty minutes in, the recording stopped. So this was starting to get REAL frustrating, and I was just like, ok, I'll borrow it from my friend, I KNOW she has it. So Yesterday I went over to her house to get the movie from her...and she had gotten rid of it. I just want to see this movie you know. And I need to see it before I go insane.

Yeah, crazy right?

Advanced

2009-05-01T14:58:00.001-07:00

That's right, you heard it hear first, I am "Advanced" material. Weird right? I never thought I'd be participating on the Advanced Speech team of all the things I'm advanced in, that is not what I would have predicted ever. But it's a reality that I'm just going to have to get use to fast, I'm way weirded out by the fact that of all the people to choose, I got on the team, I don't even care that I was the last one to be picked, I'm just amazed.....but it's just one more stress on senior year:

Marching Band
Symphonic Band
Senior Projects
Soccer
Academic Decathalon
Spanish II
AP English
Physics
Calculus
College Applications
Scholarship Stuff
Job

AND

Advanced Speech

I officially am stressing about next year and this year isn't even over!

We're Lucky, There's a Cure!

2009-04-08T21:21:00.000-07:00

In I.O.T. today, we had to look at some things at colleges and I came across this, I couldn't help but giggle. It was under Personal Counseling in the Mental Health section. Unfortunately, me and some my friends suffer greatly from this mental illness. BUT we are lucky there is a cure.

You are probably wondering what mental illness I might be suffering from, and the answer is

PERFECTIONISM
True story, here are some signs...

1. Unreasonable Goals
2. Self worth based on Achievements
3. Can't seem to self-reward
4. Based on comparisons with others
5. Feels unloved and invalidated unless performing well; Cannot share mistakes without excessive shame.
6. Excessive fear of failure; chronic
7. External standards for success
8. Goals exceed present performance by a great degree
9. Cannot find pleasure in progress toward the goal;Focus only on the outcome
10. Emphasis is on keeping life under control

Totally me, but funny, because most people in the world are this way.

If you feel as if you suffer from this illness...this terrible ailment of Perfectionism. There is a cure, and together, we can overcome it all.

For more info: http://ccc.byu.edu/counseling/perfect.php

Laugh it Up Chuckles

2009-04-03T15:53:00.000-07:00

I've been told I have THE TALENT. Yes, that's right, the special little talent where I can get injured in the funniest ways imaginable. I also tend to get injured frequently, as in about once a month. For the month of March I managed to dislocate my toe, and yes, it is painful. But the funny part is how it was done...

I hit it with my xylophone.
This is where people usually start laughing...

Other funny thoughts for the week-

It's more fun than a frog full of kittens!

"You know, there are better ways to control your anger than break your pencil?"-Mr.Muck
"I know Mr.Muck but they aren't WORKING."-me
"Have you tried counting to ten? That's what I thought, you should, I count to ten and I'm never angry."-Mr.Muck

"That yellow sweater makes him look like a hispanic Charlie Brown "bueno greif!"-Mr.Brown

And one last one, the Idaho State Champion Original Humorous peice, "The History of the World in 12 Minutes or Less" by none other than Tom, Tyler, and Micheal. ENJOY!
+http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_IDi2whbyo

The Eyes of Dr.T.J. Eckelberg

2009-03-25T21:49:00.000-07:00

It's late and I should be sleeping or preparing for better things, but I was talking to my cousin and was absolutely enlightened.

We've been reading and analyzing "The Great Gatsby" in English this week and one of it's main themes is that God's eyes are watching over all and He sees everything. And the main character sees things black and white, he doesn't judge people, he tells things as they are. And all I can think is how awesome it would be to see things so innocently. To stop judging and to just see things as they are. It's kinda like what we've been talking about in band about music and art.

I love it when everything I'm learning lines up. I love it when it all makes sense. But most importantly, I love I can use the things I'm learning to help others. It's intense. And I'm so happy that I don't see things black and white. I'm so glad that I have a chance to look over the bad things in people and see the good. Because people who don't judge don't have that chance. They can't overlook the bad or take the time to find the good. But from all I've learned from everything these are my words of wisdom:

1. The most important thing to believe in is yourself.
2. Look for the good in other people as well as yourself.
3. Love. Every moment, everything, everyone.
4. Know who you are.
5. Know who you want to be.

YES!

2009-03-22T14:52:00.000-07:00

I finally said yes to the kid. It took me a whole week and two days to do it, but it's done. And I must say, I had quite a lot of fun. Rachel came over and we made cookies and put them on a paper plate that said YES on the bottom. We then went to his house and chalked his driveway with questions like, "Is the pope Catholic?" "Is the sky blue?" "Did it rain today?" "Are basketballs round?" and one of them said "Will Callie go to prom with you?"....

Then we doorbell ditched the cookies. But you see, he doesn't live on a through road, so we had to improvise. We drove past his house with our hoods on hoping he wouldn't see us. He probably did, but we still giggled about it all and claim that he didn't.

I just hope that he's smart enough to figure it all out. haha....
'

I love my Pig

2009-03-13T21:50:00.001-07:00

So it's Friday night and I'm sitting here at the computer petting a mechanical, yet still very fluffy pig. It's been an interesting day.

After school I was in the drama room working on my English paper and Jonica and Micheal and some one else came out of the prop closet and Jonica says "Hey Callie! Do you want to come play a game with me!" And I didn't want to do my paper so I said YES. And as I was walking into the prop closet to play this game with Joni, Micheal looked at me and said, "I've got to go home before practice, so...see you later." I said bye and went to go play the game, I was kinda excited.

We basically just were trying to find the ugliest costumes in the room when the door open and a little orange pig walked in carrying a note....which said,

"The closest think I had to a a carrier pigeon was...an orange carrier pig...sorry. Hope you like him nonetheless. But I really wanted to use him to ask you a question:
Will you go to prom with me?"

So it's really simple, but I love it, because it's Micheal and it's an orange pig, and his spelling and grammar were practically flawless. I'm still smiling.

I still don't know how I'm going to say yes, and I don't know what to name the pig, but Becca thinks I should name him Rex. I think I like it.

haha, JUST KIDDING

2009-03-10T18:46:00.000-07:00

So today in band we were playing through next year's field show music. We've played through it enough times that I almost have the thing memorized. I'm really excited because there are a lot of xylophone features in the show. One of which is a duet with the tuba player. The tuba player wasn't there so today, the duet was a solo. No biggie, but I made some mistakes...

Mistake #1.I tried to play it memorized

Mistake #2.I didn't have it memorized

It's not that big of deal I just stopped in the middle and said.... "haha, JUST KIDDING." Everybody laughed at me. I don't know why......

Can you say PINK?

2009-03-08T12:45:00.000-07:00

I made a decision to go to Prom. It's going to be fun. I'm excited for it. My dress is going to be vibrant pink with a silver sequin sash....I KNOW you are jealous right now. The dress will be modeled after the pattern of the blue dress except it will be full length. This brings me to my biggest fear....

I am short.

True story...I'm okay and accepting with that small minor detail except when I'm in a full length dress, I appear to be four foot tall. Which is also easy for me to accept. But there's another detail....

My date is tall.

True story, my mom finds him to be freakishly tall, which is almost true. You see, he's about 6 foot 4. And most guys, when wearing a tux, look taller than they actually are. Now I'm very accepting of the fact that this boy is tall. And to be perfectly honest, I am quite attracted to tall guys. It happens. But let's just say....

Pictures are going to look interesting.

Just A Thought from our Friends at Avenue Q

2009-03-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

Mix Tape

He likes me.I think he likes me.Does does he 'like me' like me,Like I like him?Will we be friends,Or something more?I think he's interested,But I'm not sure.

Princeton:Hi! Listen, I was going through my CDs yesterday, and I kept coming across songsI thouht you'd like, so I made you this tape.
Kate Monster:Oh, that's so sweet!

A mix tape. He made a mix tape. He was thinking of me,Which shows he cares!Sometimes when someone has a crush on you. They'll make you a mix tape to give you a clue.Let's see...

1."You've Got A Friend"
2."The Theme From 'Friends'"
3."That's What Friends Are For"
SHOOT.Oh, but look!
4."A Whole New World"
5."Kiss The Girl"
6."My Cherie Amour"
Oh, Princeton! He does like me!
7."I Am The Walrus"
8."Fat Bottomed Girls"
9."Yellow Submarine"
What does this mean?
10."Stuck On You"
11."Love Me Do"
12."My Heart Will Go On"
13."She's Got A Way"
14."Yesterday"
15."Goodnight Saigon!"
16."Through The Years"
17."The Theme From 'Cheers'"
18."Moving Right Along"
Nice tape.
Oh, there's one more...
19."I Have To Say I Love You In A Song"

He likes me!

Just Say No

2009-03-06T14:05:00.000-08:00

It doesn't matter what the situation is, be bold, don't beat around the bushes. Just do what you have to whether it's a no or a yes. Just say it or you may forever regret it.

To Prom or Not to Prom

2009-03-05T15:53:00.001-08:00

Everyone knows that high school is all about going to the prom right? Maybe not really. But every girl in my school seems to think so. I'm not going to lie. I've thought about it, and I've had to opportunities to go in the past. But now I'm old enough to go and I have an opportunty, meaning I have a date, but I don't know if I want to go. It's kind of creating an internal conflict within me. A friend of mine told me to make a pro and con list so here it is....

PRO:
1.The date
2.The dress
3.The fun with friends and such
4.The boy is totally willing to go if I want to, SO sweet.

CON:
1.I've been saying I don't want to go for a long time now and my mom as always thought that I would....I don't want to prove her right.
2.Prom is a money drainer, I don't want to do that to the poor kid.
3.My brother comes home that day.
4.There's a rehersal scheduled for that day.

Counter-Arguement:
1.I don't care if my mother has been right all along
2.He's willing to go, this may not happen again
3.My brother's not leaving once he comes home, I'll have him back forever.
4.The rehersal will probably be cancelled.

So, I'm obviously, undecided.....sigh.