counting to a hundred

At BYU, it is common place to here a lot about marriage. Everywhere I go is seems there is someone engaged, newly married, or even just dating someone. At first I would look around and feel overwhelmed because I don't WANT to be in that position right now. Then I started looking around and was overwhelmed because I WANTED to be, but wasn't. Then, I started to be overwhelmed because I don't WANT to be in that position, but felt like I had to be. Overall, dating life here is a super overwhelming experience. Because, of course, the inevitable happened. Well, it was inevitable for me, others don't seem to have this problem. But it happened. Just you know, the thing that happens with me. But you see, there is a problem that a lot of "men" suffer from here.

It's called "commitment".

Either that's all they want or they want to steer as clear away from it as possible. This is the kind of thing that happens when you're in an atmosphere where everyone believes you have to secure a ticket into the celestial kingdom right now. And trust me, I find it overwhelming too. There is no socially acceptable dating medium.

But I'm all for doing things that aren't socially acceptable.

But the social world has driven away some really spectacular men from the dating world.

I see it everywhere. And here I am, in the midst of it. Staring at the back of one of those spectacular men as he runs away making me think that I don't know who he really is. Yet at the same time, he put the words in my head.

"So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek"

So here I wait, for what I don't know. Someone else, divine inspiration, him, a sign. Anything. I'm just playing the waiting game. But I know one thing, everything is going to work out and there's no need to play the "feel stressed over this" game.

I'm counting to one hundred, and I promise, I won't peek.

this is the real world

My mind is running.
Sleep is hard.
So many thoughts.
So much going on.
My mind is open.
A book.
Poorly written.
Read it.
Understand.
Not much sense.
But it's what it is.

Poetry Fits

I jumped in, dove head first,
when I hit the bottom I didn't think it'd hurt.
The water felt good.
I was addicted to it's touch.
I got stuck,
swimming in a pool of lust.
I need to put my head above water,
breathe the air.
But I was drowning in a sea of fear.
I'd get so close,
I'd feel the air to gasp,
but fall back in the water
by my attraction's firm grasp.
---------------------------------------------------
Quiet noise, a subtle rumble
She's there alone, waiting to crumble.
All is lost,
All is gone,
She doesn't know how long she can hang on.
The breakdown is coming,
She can feel it.
She doesn't mind as long as someone can heal it.
There is no one to run to.
Her world is falling to pieces,
Her confusion never ceases.
She needs a friend,
Someone who knows best.
Just a friend and she won't worry about the rest.
------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes it just comes to me, it isn't always about my life. It just comes and I have to write.

It's just hair

So it's been a while...but, I've still been finding things to be grateful for.

November 8th: Monday was a super depressing day. But I was grateful that I got to see Mary and laugh and talk with her.

November 9th: On Tuesday, I was grateful for the sunshine after a long rainy Monday. I was grateful for the courage to stand up in what I believe in. I was grateful for freedom as I tore down a mock Berlin Wall. Oh, and I'm also grateful that I finally made cookies...nom nom nom Oh, and that I was able to help out a friend and in the process, learn more about another friend and volunteer to go on a photshoot.

November 10th: I was grateful that Dr.Howard let us out of Music Civ early. Then I was grateful that I was able to escape to Jessie's and just be.

November 11th: I was grateful for being so nervous about my physical science test that instead of going home afterward, I went to the library and actually got all of my homework done.

November 12th: I was grateful for a Brazillian boy who couldn't sleep so that I could get a job! I was grateful for the time I was able to spend with my roommates just being us. And I was grateful for Courtney who let my talk to her. A LOT. And who also took me grocery shopping.

November 13th: I was grateful for courage. For the courage to just go...and just....chop all of my hair off. Best decision I ever made.

November 14th: I was grateful for Thomas's mother who made us all dinner and that we have a Sunday dinner family. I was grateful for all the people who complimented me and for the confidence I simply just radiated.

Today....today I am grateful for a job. I'm grateful for the people who are looking out for me and doing some pretty crazy things just to make sure that I can get to and from work safely. I'm grateful for the crazy hours so that I can continue working on homework and hopefully come up with a study schedule that will be benificial to me. This is all going to work out.

["oh my flippin cow"]
[[---my twin on my new hair]]

An Important Cause

Today, our cause is to save daylight. Daylight has been suffering greatly lately due to the seasonal change. It's life was at risk and today, we are attempting to save this friend of ours. The daylight. And may I just mention, that I really am suffering in the attempt. Gaining an hour of time in a life that already seems to drag is just another hour of time that I need to be productive in. I already have enough trouble with the 24 hour days, let's just add a 25 hour one.

In the third grade, I gained my extreme uncomfortableness with the whole idea of daylight savings. My teacher had us write a journal entry on the exciting event and let's just say, I didn't really understand what I was writing about. On Monday, the teacher had graded all the journal entries and she said that there was a lot of confusion and that she was going to read an example of a poor journal entry and one of a superior one. Let's just say, that was the first and only time that I was immensely ashamed of a teacher reading my work in class. And even if it was more of a bash on my writing than on my grasp of the concept. I will always blame daylight savings time on that embarrassment.

But at the same time, there are still many things I'm grateful for about saving daylight. For one, it made me a better writer. This year, it will allow me a chance to redeem myself and maybe I'll start waking up on time in the morning so I can get use to the whole 8 am class thing. I also get a whole hour more of weekend and more importantly a whole hour more of Sabbath. I love how relaxing Sundays are and the way they can rejuvenate me and prepare me for the upcoming week. So in a way, saving daylight is saving me, so I guess I'll just be happy for it.

In addition, I would just like to say that:
November 4: I was grateful for my mom who called me and was the only person I talked to during eight hours of studying.
November 5: I was grateful for Emily and laughter, and also Rachel and Jamisyn, they are wonderful to me.
November 6: Yesterday I was grateful that I got to spend a whole day with my Jeffery. I had missed him a lot and I kind of miss him already.
November 7: I'm grateful for saving daylight.

Honey, let me sing you a song-
Listen to my words as they come out wrong...

I am Thankful

Thanksgiving is a beautiful meaning with a wonderful concept attached to it. Since it is now the most wonderful month of November, I'm going to find something to be grateful for each day, something small, but wonderful.

November 1: On Monday, I was grateful for Albert and his voice of reason when everyone else seemed to be telling me what things I should do, Albert told me to simply do what makes me happy.

November 2: Yesterday, I was grateful for Rachel because she made me dinner and listened to me talk. Oh, and Jamisyn, because she's always such a great friend. I love those girls.

November 3: Today may not be over yet, but today I am grateful for Autumn who wrote a post on her blog last week that I found today and loved. Today I'm grateful for the sling around my arm and the fact that it helps me heal. Today I'm grateful for the beautiful music that Pandora is playing. I'm thankful for random memories and old friends. Today I am grateful that I was late to my Writing class so I could sit next to Mallory in the back. I'm grateful that Mallory is kind of a kindred spirit to me. I'm thankful that Jessie is going to come see me tonight, just because she misses me from the last time I saw her on Monday night.

Today, I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a lot to be grateful for everyday. And we should be grateful everyday, this month, I'm going to be.

In this past week I have been so grateful for all the love and help and support I've received from the people I'm surrounded by. My shoulder is healing, but I still struggle, but I definitely would not be as well off without those who have helped me or even just care to love me. Because, I know that I can be really super difficult when I'm injured. All I know is that when I start to feel super better, I have a LOT of thank you cards to write.

the best(bastion) thing that's ever been mine

I hate to admit it, but I enjoy Taylor Swift's music. I don't think it's a fad thing, I think that I genuinely like her music. One thing that she always has right is that she's real. Any girl could relate to Taylor's lyrics. Most people would see that as a negative quality because it seems like she's writing about cliche things. But really, she's writing about her own life and I hate to say this, but most girls feel and experience the same things in their lifetimes. Her new song is entitled, "Mine". The music video came out and the song is portrayed as a beautiful story of a girl who is afraid of love because of her parent's divorce and then her actually falling in love and living a life with someone that will never leave her.

Now, how can I even closely relate to that?

It turns out that the song is actually about how she had been on a few dates with a boy and the moment that he put his arm around her, she saw a whole life with him pass before her eyes. Now this, this is something that 90% of girls can relate to.

My roommate and I were once discussing with some male folk how girls feel when they meet a new guy. Most girls when just learning a boy's name immediately start envisioning what their life would be like together. It's not even based on feelings really. It's just the idea of endless possibilities that really sparks a girls imagination. Every what if can be answered with another what if and eventually, a whole life is planned with this guy who you really don't know. At all.

So now every time I meet a new interest of the male persuasion, I continue to let my imagination run wild and I think about the endless possibilities, because I'll never know if he might just be the best thing that's ever been mine. Oh Taylor Swift, I wish I wasn't so okay with your music narrating my life.

[[YES, YES! I can see it now...]]