here I sit

Tonight I find myself waiting, fingers at the ready, for something deep and thoughtful. Something wise and profound. I feel like something as monumental as breaking up with my first college boyfriend, finishing my first year of college, my brother's marriage, and moving back home for a short while would inspire some sort of beautiful feelings to be written down and shared with the world on my blog.

On the contrary.

My usual stream of consciousness writing has stopped.

I feel empty.

Empty of thoughts.

I feel so much, but nothing at all.

I want so much.

But can't.

For so long, I've been waiting.

And now, I'm realizing, that I've been waiting for the wrong things.

It's time for new dreams.

New things to wait for.

Or maybe, for waiting to stop all together.

I've missed you

I'm not sure why or how and I'm not even sure quite when, but I started playing ultimate Frisbee and my life has never been the same.

so naturally,

when I got home from the longest week of my life

all I wanted to do was see my friends

but mostly play some ultimate.

and that is precisely what happened.

and you know what...

it may have been a year since we all played together

but nothing had changed.

it was perfect.

the way it's always been with us.

and after playing barefoot yesterday

as always

all I could do was look down and say

Hello green feet.

I've missed you.

a thank you

thank you

I decapitated a bug today!

I felt really bad, and then I remembered it was already dead.

"...then I'm going to the bathroom."

"Do you need help in the bathroom?"

"I feel like I'm three years old"

You're lucky. Today we opened a cooler full and it was full of squid. All of us almost puked.

That's like asking if I want to give away my first child! Yeah, let's dump it.

What are you looking at?

"Robber Fly Genitalia"

cool

I love my job.

far lovelier than ever before

I just feel like this should be a way of describing something in my life.
I'm not sure what though.

sweet happiness

because sometimes what is seen is much better than anything that could be said

one of those days

Some days, I wake up and find myself feeling empty. I just feel like there are some things missing from my life and that I need a small dose if them to even begin to start living my life again (okay, so maybe a little dramatic, but somewhat true).


Usually when I get this feeling I go to my closet, pull on a pair of jeans I stole from my best friend, put on a t-shirt I've had for years, followed by my brother's hoodie and my little brother's baseball hat. I put on my shoes that are so loved that they're falling apart. I find my ring that is connected to every happy thought and a bracelet that my cousin made for me.

Surrounded by every happy memory and everything familiar, I suddenly feel safe and not so empty anymore.

But I find myself turning to this outfit quite a bit.

Only thirteen more months.
I must remind myself.