daughters will love like you do

I don't know how I feel about bragging about my father on the interwebs. But I feel that maybe he will appreciate that I feel like he's worth bragging about. I know yesterday was Father's Day was yesterday, but better late than never, right?

I actually got into a fight with my friend in which we were trying to decide which one of our dads would win in a fight which would establish them as the true best dad. It was pretty intense. But really, I think my dad's pretty fantastic. I've always been a "daddy's girl". I'm not ashamed, I'm actually quite proud (let's not devalue my mother, I'm my mother's best friend, but my daddy's girl).

My dad is fantastic. He's taught me everything I know and some things I've forgotten. He taught me to love math, to play poker, to jump in the cold water and love every minute while you're in it. He's an example of a patient person, someone who always is willing to help, a man who wants to do what is right. He taught me how to be a soccer player who never backs down. He taught me to love old cars. To be proud, to work hard and to be smart with money. He's an amazing example of how to fulfill a calling. He taught me to love animals, to remember your passions. He has shown me that maybe life doesn't always go exactly the way you dreamed, but it will go the way that will make you happy.He supports me in just about everything I do. I think he believes that I could walk on the moon if I chose to do it. And that support is everything to me. My dad has shown me how to love the people around me, how to get to know people. I've always loved the way that people admire my father for simply being himself. He's taught me that things like this are completely possible. And he's taught me most of these things by example. He always gave us time. He still does.

whenever I'm hurt, he's there to help me understand and make it better.

I will be the first to admit that I would have been a mess in high school if my dad had not been there the whole time. As a teacher, a mentor, the provider of advice, the encouragement to carry on. He was there. Even in college, he has helped me find my way and constantly look forward with hope.

 He thinks a lot of things are really funny. I love that he laughs at so many things.

 If you notice, he and I are on the opposite sides of the group, making the same exact face. That is one of the reasons why this picture is so perfect.

I simple love this man. As far as father's go, he's pretty grand.

And just for side shout-out:

My brothers have turned out to be some pretty fabulous dad's as well. They are incredible. Kind of like their dad.

I don't think I have even come close to accurately describing my love and appreciation for my father. But I tried to do my best. And if I have not accurately shown my love and appreciation for my brothers, I have at least shown you their adorable children (minus Annie, I couldn't find a picture of Keith and Annie, but she's cute too). 

The Good Light

I haven't written in a while. I'd like to say that it's because I've been going on adventures. That my break from school has been life changing, breath taking, and beyond my wildest dreams. That I haven't been writing because I'm too busy baking delicious cupcakes and falling in love with a beautiful man. But that's not really what it is at all. I've read some books, put more miles on my running shoes, watched some spectacular baseball games, and have made some dinero (that means dollars in el espanol). Oh, and I've spent some lovely evenings with some of the most lovely people in my life.

I went home last week and was flooded with questions from people I hardly know anymore. Most commonly, I was asked, "Well what have you been up to?". I always felt like I should have a good answer for that question. Like I should be talking about all the things I've been doing this summer. But I have nothing to say. I simply end up saying that I work a lot. That I sometimes go running. And that I hang out with my friends. Nothing exciting. As these words come out of my mouth, I feel so lame. I can't help but wonder what my life is truly amounting to.

I've been stuck in a rut before. I know what it feels like. My mind keeps telling me that I should feel that way now. But I don't. I feel completely contented with my life. It doesn't make much sense to me. But I do find comfort in the fact that I don't have to do extravagant things to live a happy life.

As it would turn out, happiness can be found anywhere, in anything. Really, as long as you want to be happy. You can find things that will make you happy. I know that sounds silly. Maybe even impossible. Maybe sometimes life just is throwing you some really unhappy things and as much as you want to smile, you can't. But I think that maybe happiness is still possible.

In April, a few of my coworkers were discussing their "themes" for the summer. One said it was her "Summer of Sacrifice", another said "Summer of Self-Improvement", and so on and so forth. At the time, I couldn't think of anything I wanted to accomplish this summer. But I think what is has turned into is the summer of simplicity. Because life doesn't have to be complex to be good.

everything is magic

This week has been an adventure. The happy and unhappy kind. But the good news is that it this week is almost over.

Three years ago, something changed in me. I can't describe it. I can't full express to you why one thing changed my life so much. I can't help but wonder why so many big life events happen to me in the month of April. Particularly around this stretch of time. Yet, April always turns into a month of reflection. Life is not always what we expect it to be. I always say that. But today, as I looked through pictures, I looked into my seventeen year old face and thought, "She never knew what was coming to her. Where I am today was unfathomable then."

Through it all though, this girl is right by my side.

I always say that I don't expect anything in my life, but I do. I have this idealized life set in my mind and until Sunday, I didn't realize that maybe my ideal is not always possible or even what is right for me. Three years ago today, life was strange. I walked through my day unsure and without any of those expectations, I was just living in the time that I was in. 

I didn't understand. I cried a lot. That was the last time I cried. It was confusing and scary and sad. I still sometimes don't understand the why, the how. But I know that my life is worth living. It's worth having those expectations, even if they don't turn out how you planned, sometimes, they turn out different, worse, or even better. And that's when life is sweetest. And expectations are okay, as long as you live in the now too.

I want this post to be respectful. I want this post to say what I feel (though I know that is impossible). No matter how much time passes and how much I look forward. I know that I must look back to remind myself how I got to where I am today. So many people come and go. But even after some of them are gone, their life lingers. And for that, I am so glad.

99 Problems

This week, in one of my classes, we studied Sigmund Freud. I know most people hear his name and shrink back and change the subject. But really, learning about him led to a mini journey of self-discovery right in my classroom. So here I am, prepared to make myself vulnerable to my blogging audience. So I present to you:


My fatal flaw: __________________ .

Everyone has one, right? Well maybe not everyone. But I definitely do. I have several. But this is my fatal flaw of the dating world. I much rather not admit any vulnerability at all. That means that I struggle.

When I was young, like real young, it was pretty normal to start picking crushes when you were like in the third grade. So I chose mine. And in a strange way, we were dedicated to each other. He was MY crush. No one else claimed him. I was happy. I was ten. As I got older and moved away from that crush, I started to not just choose one boy to be madly in love with, but instead two or three. I had to keep my options open. Because I was twelve. I was moving into the real world of dating [yes, this is how things worked in my middle school (if you don't believe me, talk to my friend who is now engaged to the boy she started dating in the eighth grade)]. Love was real then. It was also a strange experiment. But it was real.

I was talking to my friend the other night. She asked me if there were any attractive men I had my eye on. I reported to her that there were ten on my list. As of two weeks ago (in which I added two to my list). In my head, I love the idea of companionship. But also in my head, I love the idea of being myself. Which is what my flaw has become. I want everything. But I also want nothing. And I want those two situations to be happening at the same time.

I feel like I've lost all control. I do the things that make me happy. Sometimes that means that I hang out by myself, sometimes that means I find myself in the companionship of men. I use to have a saying in high school: "When will I learn that if I play with fire, I'm going to get burned." Well, I didn't like the idea of getting burned. So I have spent years learning the art of playing with fire. And you know what, I've never really been burned. Maybe stung a few times, but nothing dramatic. And I like it that way. Like I said, I don't like to show my vulnerabilities. So if I can just do whatever I want and not have any personal repercussions, I'm going to do it. I know when the moment is that I can get what I want. And if I can't get it, then I don't want it and I don't try. It's a pretty basic process really.

I always tell myself that I'm going to be better. I always say that I'm going to make an effort. That I'll stop playing with fire. That I'll just let things happen. And then I don't. I keep playing, pretending to be invincible to the elements. I fear that I may have burned some along the way and not known. And I feel bad. Because my whole world revolves around the fact that I don't get hurt. That nothing stops my happiness. Acknowledging that I make things maybe a little hard on the boys that are in my life would inhibit that happiness.

I'm not one of those girls who sits at home and wonders why I'm not going on any dates. I know why. I mean, I look at my past relationships and I wouldn't want to date me. I'm reckless. I'm careless. I want everything and nothing. Who wants to be with that?

I don't know why I feel it necessary to tell the world this. Maybe I feel like if I say I want to change, I will.

Maybe it's just because of Freud.

And I think I'm okay with that.

Take a Walk on the Sunnyside

I decided this week that I spend too much time thinking about the things that make life hard rather than the so many wonderful things in my life that make life easier. Like:

1. My Dad. He's is legitimately one of the best supports I have. He thinks that everything I do is perfect. I'm also pretty sure that he thinks I could go to the moon and back. He also thinks I am a rockstar.
2. My Mom. She is a voice of reason, even if I don't feel like reasoning. She also agrees with me. All the time. Because as it would turn out, we have the same mind. She also makes me laugh. A lot.
3. My brothers. All four of them. Because they are older now, so they have stopped trying to make my life hard.
4. My two beautiful sister-in-laws. Because they are too kind and raise perfect children.
5. My best friend and cousin who is in Nebraska right now. And although he doesn't always know it, his letters usually say exactly what I need to hear.
6. My friend who is across the country who lets me say whatever I want and doesn't think any less of me. And even though being friends while having multiple states between us is really hard. He stays friends with me anyway.
7. Haddles. Who through it all. Is still my bestie. And that's all that matters.
8. My doctor who knows how to fix the things that make my life miserable.
9. My coworkers.
10. My employers who let me work my own hours and understand that sometimes school can kick your trash.
11. The faithful friend who takes me to the doctor and sits in the waiting room for an hour and fulfills his calling.
12. The friends that let me come and talk to them for long periods of time and still let me come back.
13. My classmates who make class bearable and make studying easier.
14. My aunt and uncle who let me do laundry for free and eat their food.
15. My roommate who helps keep me sane and also shares the cleaning load with me (her load is often heavier).
16. Music.
17. My dance class.
18. The people I know who smile when they see me.
19. Sunny days.
20. My faith and the gospel. Life would definitely be hard without it.

Basically, as hard as life seems it could always be harder. And I'm glad it's not.

Don't Dream it's Over

For some reason, this song has made me strangely sentimental lately. I don't feel like anything is ending and I don't feel helpless or hopeless Yet, I just keep listening to this song on repeat because it feels like what I want to feel? If that makes any sense. I feel like although nothing is ending, failing, or helpless. This song gives me hope of some sort. And I feel like I need that.

I guess maybe I feel stuck. I've been in a nostalgic wave lately.

All I can think of is what use to be.

Nostalgia is a funny thing. The way that it creeps into your body and makes you long for the past.

I love change.

But sometimes I  have a hard time grasping all that comes with it.

For instance, recently, this boy left on his mission.

And for some reason him leaving has made all the change in my life in the past two years so much more real.

Saying goodbye to him felt like I was saying goodbye to a lot more than just one of my great friends from high school.

Ever since, all I can do is remember.

The happiness, the feelings of absolute freedom, the feelings of having friends who would never leave you, friends who thought the world of you and wanted nothing more than to have you around, and feeling the same way about them.

I think that most of all, I miss the feelings of childish puppy love. I feel like I've lost all capability to feel those anymore. It was so much fun back then. Just thinking about being around Ethan use to give me butterflies in my stomach. When I'd see Micheal, my face lit up, probably enough to light the entire auditorium. I miss wanting to discuss every detail of my dates with my friends. I miss the way that I'd get distracted just thinking about a boy while I was trying to watch a movie or read a book. I miss the dramatic stories that my mind use to come up with. I can't help but smile as I think of the first time Ethan held my hand as we were running through a Walmart or when we use to play ultimate frisbee and he would hug me whenever there was a lull in the game or if he was guarding me. It all goes through my mind like some montage from a 90's movie.

I feel like now that it has to be all  mature. That if I like a boy and that if I feel those butterflies -

then it's not adult enough. That love has to be serious to be real.

That childish puppy love is just that and it can never turn into actual love.

I kind of resent that idea. It makes me want to not be a grown-up.

I feel like all the emotions I had then were so much more real than anything I've felt since.

I want someone to tell me that I'm wrong. That real love can be childish. 

So maybe I was wrong, maybe I do feel like something is ending or that something has never even began.

But I was definitely right saying that I feel like I need that hope.

I Feel Pretty

I wouldn't say that I'm obsessed with how I look. In fact, I feel pretty great having short hair, never wearing make-up, and always wearing my glasses. I am constantly saddened when I hear remarks from the beautiful people in my life such as:

"I just look ugly today"
"I look fat"
"I need to work out more"
"My hair just is stupid today"
"I need to eat less"
"I can't, or I'll get fat"

It's true that most girls (and probably most boys) have struggles with accepting their appearance. There is always someone who looks prettier and there is always something that won't be perfect. I have written several papers on the definition of beauty. It's one of those things that I get passionate about. It's why I want to work with women with eating disorders. I want the everyone in the world to see themselves in a positive way. Because I rarely meet an ugly person but I'm sure I've met plenty of people who feel as if they are ugly.

I usually pride myself on how comfortable I am in my own skin. It's probably pretty comparable to vanity. But I don't think it's THAT bad. But I have a confession to make. It's a confession that was inspired by an episode of Glee. In the episode they sing this beautiful song (check it out, I dare you) and then you find out that the beautiful cheerleader use to be not as perfect looking.

As the character tells her story. It reminds me a lot of my own. I looked different in middle school. I found out that I was athletic when I started playing soccer and lost quite a bit of weight and then went through a growth spurt. I stopped wearing glasses, had braces, and started parting my hair on the side. Instead of straight down the middle. I started wearing clothes that fit me better and in the middle of all of this, I moved to a different state. And I gained a lot more confidence. I became a totally different person.

But unlike the character in the show, I don't hate what I looked like. It doesn't haunt me to think that someone might find out. I definitely don't think that what I looked like or what I did in middle school is killing who I can become. But I know that it's a part of me and in ways, it still haunts me. I once showed these pictures to a friend and he said "Is that really you?" What he didn't realize when he said this is that sometimes if I don't look in a mirror, that is how I picture myself in my head. Sometimes if I'm even looking in the mirror, that's what I see. I see my little eighth grade self. I often feel as if nothing has changed.

But so much as changed. And really, I'm glad that I'm still connected to that self from middle school. But most of all. I'm glad that I can look in the mirror and think that I look beautiful. In a recent talk to the men of the church President Thomas S. Monson said:

And although I can't really recall a time when a man other than my father told me I was beautiful, except for once. I feel blessed to have the confidence to know that I am beautiful. That even when I see myself as being in my middle school body, that I still feel beautiful. And I think he has a point. Every one deserves to feel that way. And maybe telling them has the effect to make it especially true. And that maybe, it will make a difference. 

And maybe they need to be reminded because maybe,

they aren't seeing themselves for who they are that day.