Don't Dream it's Over

For some reason, this song has made me strangely sentimental lately. I don't feel like anything is ending and I don't feel helpless or hopeless Yet, I just keep listening to this song on repeat because it feels like what I want to feel? If that makes any sense. I feel like although nothing is ending, failing, or helpless. This song gives me hope of some sort. And I feel like I need that.

I guess maybe I feel stuck. I've been in a nostalgic wave lately.

All I can think of is what use to be.

Nostalgia is a funny thing. The way that it creeps into your body and makes you long for the past.

I love change.

But sometimes I  have a hard time grasping all that comes with it.

For instance, recently, this boy left on his mission.

And for some reason him leaving has made all the change in my life in the past two years so much more real.

Saying goodbye to him felt like I was saying goodbye to a lot more than just one of my great friends from high school.

Ever since, all I can do is remember.

The happiness, the feelings of absolute freedom, the feelings of having friends who would never leave you, friends who thought the world of you and wanted nothing more than to have you around, and feeling the same way about them.

I think that most of all, I miss the feelings of childish puppy love. I feel like I've lost all capability to feel those anymore. It was so much fun back then. Just thinking about being around Ethan use to give me butterflies in my stomach. When I'd see Micheal, my face lit up, probably enough to light the entire auditorium. I miss wanting to discuss every detail of my dates with my friends. I miss the way that I'd get distracted just thinking about a boy while I was trying to watch a movie or read a book. I miss the dramatic stories that my mind use to come up with. I can't help but smile as I think of the first time Ethan held my hand as we were running through a Walmart or when we use to play ultimate frisbee and he would hug me whenever there was a lull in the game or if he was guarding me. It all goes through my mind like some montage from a 90's movie.

I feel like now that it has to be all  mature. That if I like a boy and that if I feel those butterflies -

then it's not adult enough. That love has to be serious to be real.

That childish puppy love is just that and it can never turn into actual love.

I kind of resent that idea. It makes me want to not be a grown-up.

I feel like all the emotions I had then were so much more real than anything I've felt since.

I want someone to tell me that I'm wrong. That real love can be childish. 

So maybe I was wrong, maybe I do feel like something is ending or that something has never even began.

But I was definitely right saying that I feel like I need that hope.