some folks like to get away...

 I love my job. I have a great boss, some fantastic co-workers, and three beta fish. There's something about feeding those fish that fills my life with purpose. I enjoy the responsibility I feel as I go to work each day and accomplish my assigned tasks. When I first started working in the lab, I felt mentally exhausted at the end of each day. I felt like I had to learn so much. It wasn't easy.

 But I'm getting use to it now. I am feeling more comfortable tasting the Latin as I speak it. I making sense of the intricate details on the small specimens. I can tell you what a halter is and where to find the calypters and the coxae. My task at the moment strays a bit from my learning. And now, instead of mental exhaustion, I am often finding myself emotionally exhausted at the end of my shifts. 

Solitude is a beautiful thing, I find it hard to find in this bustling college town. But as I sit at work and archive my boss's photo collection, I get pretty close to the feeling of complete oneness. The feeling of just being with myself. I usually spend my time thinking through my actions in the future and analyzing my actions in the past. I often find myself imagining what could have been, how I could have made it different, and then I remember that what is, is. And that I have no choice but to make different choices in the future. Like I said, it's exhausting. 

But I learn a lot. A lot about myself. Sometimes I let myself get lost in the pictures. I just spent three weeks travelling the world while sitting at a computer in Provo. For two of those weeks, I was in Mongolia. I fell in the love with the culture, the scenery, the people. It's all so beautiful. By the end of the two weeks, I was beginning to miss this place that I have never been. Mongolia looks so untouched, the people look so serene. Maybe not happy, but content. I just want to wander through it's hills, sit by it's rivers and lose and find myself all at the same time. 

Until then, I guess will have to settle for the beauty of a photograph

and the solitude of a small lab in Provo.

It's Time to Begin

When I was sixteen, a song came on my Pandora. It spoke to me. It was one of those moments where a song seems to be able to perfectly capture your emotions. It's so comforting in that moment, when you need it most.

What I didn't know is that four years later, I'd be coming home from long days and still listen to the song, finding comfort in it's words.

This past year, I have learned so much about myself. It hasn't been easy.

I have had time to analyze myself. I have recognized my habits.

I have broken a lot of bad ones.

I have formed a lot of good ones.

I'm still working on a few.

I use to play the game. I always had my eye on a boy, trying to get him to fall for me.

My brother called me a vixen, a maneater even. My mom once used the word vindictive.

Those words may be a little strong. But maybe not.

I was good at getting what I wanted. I was good at playing the game.

I liked it. I had fun. I wasn't getting hurt.

But this past year, the game hasn't seemed as fun.

I'm pretty sure if my brother saw me now-

vixen and maneater would not be his words.

He'd  probably use the words boring and sweet spirited. Maybe even shrew.

But who am I to put words in my  brother's mouth.

I sometimes try to make a connection to that self of mine. She seems to be far away.

I feel like I'm different than I use to be, but as it would turn out, I still find comfort in the same song, and that seems like enough.

And as I look at the person I've become, I like her.

She knows how to control her emotions. She's at peace with herself and others.

She's young. She's alive. She's free.

And she loves. She loves a lot.

So Independence Day has come, time has passed, and it keeps going. And that is what makes life such an adventure.

I'm pretty sure when looking at this picture, your first thought should be "coordinated".
Followed by the thought "dang attractive".