for the holidays

...there is no place like home....

the time has come

I'm starting to realize how much of a choice happiness truly is.

if I have one bad thing happening in my life,

it does not have to affect every other aspect of my life.

while studying at this university it is not uncommon to be surrounded by people who strive for perfection.

people who want to go to grad schools across the world.

students who want to keep academic scholarships, be well rounded individuals, look fantastic, serve others, be the best church member in the world, and fall in love(gross).

I would be lying to say that I don't strive for MOST of these things MOST of the time.

But this semester I have been hit with the humility stick.

I can't do it all right now.

I don't have to do it all right now.

I can come up with all the plans I can and work as hard as I want, and I ultimately don't really get to be the final deciding factors in a lot of the outcomes.

I'm just required to do my best.

Isn't that a comforting thought.

Eternally speaking-

I'm not going to be miserable if I fail a test.

crazy, right?

I know so many people who think that life is over with less than a 90 on any assignment test or class.

These people, have hard lives.

I watch stress creep into their bodies and make a home.

Girls with pounds of potential feel like they are nothing.

Yet they still work so hard that they feel nothing but the constant hunger for future success.

Until that future success is reached-

They cannot take a break.

They don't sleep, they cry over everything, they wonder forever why they are single, they feel guilty when taking the time to interact with people...

And technically speaking, these people have "success".

But they don't KNOW it.

Nothing frustrates me more than the fact that they don't know how spectacular they really are!

People spend so much time looking at what they have yet to do that they don't realize all that they have done.

These people have success but never feel it.

Happiness my friends.

Happiness.

We choose to be happy.

We choose to look at what we have in our lives and then feel something about it.

It's beyond wonderful to look at the things that can make you smile!

When you find reasons to smile, fake or genuine, it's hard to feel any anger and it instantly relieves stress.

So though my life has been falling apart in what seems like every aspect-

I constantly look for things that make me smile.

And you know what, I've had very few sad days.

Because sadness is not worth missing out on what life truly is.

Happiness.

hands hands hands

Tonight I proofread an essay for a friend of mine who is applying to colleges.

As I read, I realized that is has been a long time since I last wrote.

Just wrote.

I haven't had to write for school.

I haven't really written on here.

I haven't even been keeping up in a friend journal.

Or in my own journal for that matter.

This needs to change.

For sure.

For sure.

"I find the whole concept of being ‘sexy’ embarrassing and confusing. If I do an interview with photographs people desperately want to change me - dye my hair blonder, pluck my eyebrows, give me a fringe. Then there’s the choice of clothes. I know everyone wants a picture of me in a mini-skirt. But that’s not me. I feel uncomfortable. I’d never go out in a mini-skirt. It’s nothing to do with protecting the Hermione image. I wouldn’t do that. Personally, I don’t actually think it’s even that sexy. What’s sexy about saying, ‘I’m here with my boobs out and a short skirt, have a look at everything I’ve got?’ My idea of sexy is that less is more. The less you reveal the more people can wonder. - emma watson

neely

I feel like some part of my world has crashed with that car.

and I think that is how it's suppose to feel.

so here's a post dedicated to the people I grew to love who made some poor choices last night.

and the one who didn't make it out alive.

you touched my life more than you'll ever know.

past and present

I'm sad today.

Don't care much for much.
I just want something to make sense.
I'm a tad overwhelmed.
Please boy, go away today.
Can't you see that I'll never love you.
And you'll never love me.
Why can't we just let that be.
I don't want to be with you today.
I just want to be alone.
I want you to know that I care.
That I want something more with you.
But it can't happen.
It just wasn't meant to be.
And today, I am sad.
It is because I know this is true.
It is because I wish that it wasn't.

You may not know this, but I have a high tendency to write blog posts and then not post them. I wrote this particular post in March. March 18th to be exact. Its amazing how I can feel so many of the same feelings.

lucky

sometimes I just stop and realize how lucky I truly am.

and have been.

and I'm so lucky to have this picture to remind me of picking up trash at six in the morning, finding a frog, and loving that this was the view I had on my birthday.

and really.

sometimes I get caught up in life and what it will bring and I realized that I haven't taken the time to appreciate what it has already brought.

so, today, I realize how lucky I truly am.

a blank canvas

I wish I had something amazing to say.

some amazing accomplishment to declare to the world.

but I have nothing.

so I guess what I'm saying is that I'm ready.

I am my own artist.

looking at a blank canvas.

waiting for the inspiration of life to come.

you're gonna miss this

as I pack up and prepare to leave this place

as I have already started to say my goodbyes

the country song keeps coming into my mind.

you're gonna miss this.

you're gonna want this back.

you're going to wish these days hadn't gone by so fast...

and it's true

there were many days where I wished this experience away

but I've always known that I'm going to miss it.

the people here are so real.

they are people that have taught me so much about life.

I've learned so much here.

but I guess I can learn anywhere.

it just is never going to be the same.

I may have mentioned before

or I may not have

I can never remember

but I'm really good at appreciating

things

people

and places

after they're gone.

I think the fact that I appreciate this place now

before I'm gone

might be a sign of maturity.

or not.

who knows.

but I'm glad that I love this place.

I've learned so much,

I was going to make a post on all the things I've learned.

but it was too hard.

just know

I've learned so much.

I love this place.

it will always hold a place in my heart.

and as much as I've had my hard times.

that's what has made it an adventure.

and that is what life is all about.

As a beginning freshman in college, I did not go through the same traditions as others.

I chose to not live in a dorm or with people my age.

I chose to not go to orientation and to just have my brother show me where my classrooms were.

I had worked the whole summer with sixty other BYU students.

I had friends.

I had people to help me make it through a rocky first semester.

But I also had only one friend my age.

As a freshman in college,

You need freshmen friends.

Friends going through the same scary, embarrassing, exhilarating moments as you.

I desperately needed those friends.

And with some hard work and patience.

Two girls took me into their circle.

Through our first semester, we saw each other five days a week.

We were there for each other for every freshman moment.

As the second semester started,

I only got to see one of them, three days a week.

She and I never really got along at first.

But by the end of the semester,

We needed each other.

We went through everything together that semester:

Dating, boys, first kisses, break ups, new jobs, new places to live.

Every time we saw each other we had some important news.

Then she got engaged.

Then, on Friday.

She got married.

She looked so happy.

They both looked so happy.

They looked scared.

Going into the unknown.

But they had hope in their eyes.

Because they had each other.

I know that's a tad sappy.

But that's what they looked like.

As I left their wedding reception,

I took off my shoes and got an overwhelming feeling of how lucky I am.

I felt so strongly of the freedom I always crave.

I felt like I was unstoppable.

Which is strange,

because most times events like weddings remind me how alone I am.

But I felt amazing.

I just couldn't help but run.

I ran and breathed in the clean air.

I felt the breeze in my face and the concrete under my feet.

I felt so alive.

It was impulsive.

It was crazy.

But it was everything I needed.

And I loved it.

Because I am young,

I am alive.

And I am incredibly free.

the leaving game

its funny how easy it is to forget the people who leave

yet how hard it is for the people who leave to forget

I always seem to be the one who leaves.

I am always the one who wants to leave.

but I realized at a young age

that leaving makes you wonder what could have happened if I stayed.

each time I leave

I start a new life

I make loads of new friends

and am faced with the constant struggle to have the old ones remain

I just love having friends

but I leave them

I don't treat them right I think

I leave and meet new people

and expect them to remember me

expect them to think of me like I think of them

I'm the leaving kind

but I don't like to be left

it's not easy to leave

but oft times I leave with the intention of going back

and then having everything I left waiting for me

that's not how it works

it's not possible

we're all living our lives

things and people change every day

I change willingly

but expect everything else to stay the same

each day I'm finding more and more how selfish I am.

and I wouldn't want to be anyone else

it's funny how much I find myself wanting freedom.

I crave the freedom of being myself.

A 100% individual.

Today, my friend asked me out of all the girl's we work with,

which one's body would I want.

I hated that question.

Why is it that so many people want to be like someone else, yet claim originality?

How is it that someone can be an individual if they spend all their time wishing they were someone else?

Part of me wanted to be offended at her question.

In my mind, my body is pretty amazing.

I mean, I have two legs, two arms.

All my appendages are in the right place.

I can walk, I can run.

I have hair, I have teeth, I have health.

And I have a fully functioning brain.

What's not to like about all that?

I can't help to feel sorry for people who spend all their time wishing they could look like someone else.

Instead of getting offended, I just said that I wouldn't want anyone else's body, I'm more comfortable in my own skin.

(and really, I would hate anyone else to want to have my body. It's mine, and we've been through a lot together, I have too many

memories and x-rays to give it up)

It's pretty spectacular the freedom I have to love myself for who I am.

And really, everyone does.

I just cannot express how much I wish that everyone did.

words set me free

Today is my day off.

I woke up at eight thirty and started reading my book. I haven't even managed to get out bed to even eat or get a drink of water or shower.

I keep thinking of things I could be doing with my day.

I think of the run I need to go on, the hike I want to take, the breakfast or lunch to eat, the yoga to do, the people to call, to text, the social contact to make. I think of the friend who leaves in an hour for two years. The friend who I have been living down the street from for two months and have managed to see once a week. But the friend I'm going to miss all the same.

I think of all these things-

and then I go back to reading.

It reminds me of childhood.

The summer I read all the Harry Potter books, the summer I read the first three Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants books.

I would just wake up and read.

Eventually, I'd get out of bed and swim and do something amazing with my life and family.

But my days always started in some one else's world. The world of the fictional characters who seem still like old familiar friends.

A year ago, I went through a phase where I wouldn't read because I'd get lost in someone else's life and waste my own.

Now as I read, I feel like I'm getting back in touch with my younger self. The self that knew that there were twenty four hours in a day and had no problem spending just some of them with my nose in a book.

Life was more simple there. In that world. In the heat of California.

I had no responsibilities.

All I had to do was be happy.

Isn't that such an easy task.

Now I feel the need to stay in touch with everyone.

To know about their lives to feel like my life exists.

Back then, I had an identity. I knew who I was and all I needed was my mom, dad, and brothers to survive.

That holds true still.

But there are more truths now.

I now need my friends.

But as much as I need them in my life to survive.

My life can survive without them.

And for now, I will read.

I will read until I get up and run.

And then, I will read some more.

And I- will be happy.

spooooon

So we were thinking,

"oh they cuddled"

but really

they were eating with spoons.

Sometimes you can't believe everything you hear.

Sometimes we can't judge people based on what we hear.

I just don't have much to say, but at the same time. I have so many things to say. I'm just in this mood where I just don't even know. I'm stuck.

But I'm here.

And I'm alive.

And I'm well.

no problem has a final solution

every solution is just an admission ticket to another problem

rock thoughts

The other day, I had the afternoon off and decided to spend some quality time in nature, and luckily enough, I never go anywhere without a sketch book and some scratch paper. So as I walked along a river I found a beautiful spot and sat and pondered a while and got up and decided to further my search and found the perfect rock, I got out my paper and started writing. And this is what came:

You never know if there's something better down the road. Sometimes you have to give up something good to get to something better. But when do you reach THE BEST? How will you ever know? Isn't it sometimes okay to settle because you're the happiest you've ever been. You may be able to reach that same level of happiness, but will you ever be able to surpass to surpass it? I think I like rivers so much because of the sound of the water, it reminds me of the ocean. That's where I've been happiest around water I think. Makes me sad for this beautiful river, because it just isn't doing it for me.

I don't want my life to be that way.

I don't want to have to settle for a river if I know there's and ocean.

I am now developing a system in which I can quickly and easily compare boys to water.

oh bother

1. Yesterday, my best friend got married.

Then in church, we got a marriage talk.

Then at our fireside. We got another marriage talk.

I don't care, I will someday.

But I really would appreciate hearing about something new and exciting for a change.

2. I use to love weddings. But now they're stressful.

3. I should be too young to have to think about these things.

4. I hope I don't have to go to another wedding for a while.

5. As complicated as my feelings are about love and marriage and stuff. This will always be one of my favorite places in the world.

everything in its rightful place

in the sunshine today, I sat in the grass and looked at the place I sometimes call home (although, the location of my home has become very- not solid). but I sat in the sunshine, in complete, utter happiness, and wondered how I came to be in such a perfect situation.

then quickly realized that it wasn't important.

I am happy. I have my family. I have my friends.

and the sun is shining.

the sky is a beautiful blue

and grass, gorgeous green.

there is not much more this girl could ever ask for. ever.

missing you

it's amazing how accustomed I have become to missing. I never in my life thought I could miss so much. missing is kind of a sad occurrence in a life. missing is to say that you had something great, something that you cared for deeply, and lost. I think people often misuse the word "miss".

I was just looking at some pictures and found myself saying:

I miss my yellow wall.

How could I be as selfish as to think that something as menial as a yellow wall was worth that verb. Moments before I was missing a color, I was missing people. Real people who have touched my life.

People are worth missing.

So many things we miss because of the memories attached. So many times, we miss things just because we are uncomfortable with the changes going on around us.

Of all the things, places, and moments I miss, I also feel regret or sadness when I miss them.

Regret in that I didn't take advantage of the perfect moments.

Sadness that I didn't appreciate these things more while I had them.

Yet as much as I miss these things, I feel that the time I take missing them, I am making more things to miss.

But to miss a person, is different. To miss a person is to miss the feelings, the memories, the things, the words, their smile, their laughter. A person is a wonderful thing to miss. And I have learned that no matter where I go or what I do, I am going to be missing some one. I may choose to not miss a thing or a place, but to choose to not miss a person is quickly becoming obvious to me something that I cannot do.

But as much as I miss, I feel the importance not waste the time I have.

the last thing I want to miss is opportunities.

because as ridiculous as it is to miss my yellow wall

it would be worse to miss the time I thought I about painting my wall yellow.

here I sit

Tonight I find myself waiting, fingers at the ready, for something deep and thoughtful. Something wise and profound. I feel like something as monumental as breaking up with my first college boyfriend, finishing my first year of college, my brother's marriage, and moving back home for a short while would inspire some sort of beautiful feelings to be written down and shared with the world on my blog.

On the contrary.

My usual stream of consciousness writing has stopped.

I feel empty.

Empty of thoughts.

I feel so much, but nothing at all.

I want so much.

But can't.

For so long, I've been waiting.

And now, I'm realizing, that I've been waiting for the wrong things.

It's time for new dreams.

New things to wait for.

Or maybe, for waiting to stop all together.

I've missed you

I'm not sure why or how and I'm not even sure quite when, but I started playing ultimate Frisbee and my life has never been the same.

so naturally,

when I got home from the longest week of my life

all I wanted to do was see my friends

but mostly play some ultimate.

and that is precisely what happened.

and you know what...

it may have been a year since we all played together

but nothing had changed.

it was perfect.

the way it's always been with us.

and after playing barefoot yesterday

as always

all I could do was look down and say

Hello green feet.

I've missed you.

a thank you

thank you

I decapitated a bug today!

I felt really bad, and then I remembered it was already dead.

"...then I'm going to the bathroom."

"Do you need help in the bathroom?"

"I feel like I'm three years old"

You're lucky. Today we opened a cooler full and it was full of squid. All of us almost puked.

That's like asking if I want to give away my first child! Yeah, let's dump it.

What are you looking at?

"Robber Fly Genitalia"

cool

I love my job.

far lovelier than ever before

I just feel like this should be a way of describing something in my life.
I'm not sure what though.

sweet happiness

because sometimes what is seen is much better than anything that could be said

one of those days

Some days, I wake up and find myself feeling empty. I just feel like there are some things missing from my life and that I need a small dose if them to even begin to start living my life again (okay, so maybe a little dramatic, but somewhat true).


Usually when I get this feeling I go to my closet, pull on a pair of jeans I stole from my best friend, put on a t-shirt I've had for years, followed by my brother's hoodie and my little brother's baseball hat. I put on my shoes that are so loved that they're falling apart. I find my ring that is connected to every happy thought and a bracelet that my cousin made for me.

Surrounded by every happy memory and everything familiar, I suddenly feel safe and not so empty anymore.

But I find myself turning to this outfit quite a bit.

Only thirteen more months.
I must remind myself.

I'm not Catholic, but...

This year, Lent kind of snuck up on me. I almost completely missed Ash Wednesday. Luckily, I didn't. I didn't eat any meat and am planning on not eating meat on Fridays until Easter.

I've always appreciated some of the ideas of Lent. I like giving things up just to see and say that I can. I always say that I give something up in order to support my friends. Yet I know deep down, that I give things up for myself and in all reality, the idea of giving something up to bring you closer to Christ is just a splendid tradition that I love to follow.

In past years, I have given up typical childish things that maybe didn't help me grow closer to Christ. Such as:

2008: Soda

2009: Swearing

2010: Mountain Dew

The will power I've gained from giving these things up is spectacular. This year, I intend on giving up Facebook and texting a certain friend of mine who I really shouldn't text in the first place. In order to make this Lent different, I'm not only going to show will power, but also every time I want to talk to this friend or every time I feel like going on Facebook, I'm going to read my scriptures. I'm going to maybe say a little prayer.

And through this, I hope to maybe learn something from the Catholics.

A Scam and an Addiction

Today, I spoke to a boy who honestly thought that conserving energy was a scam.

Call me crazy, but I don't really see the scam in not blowing up mountains in the south. I don't really seem the scam in simply not using our resources in excess, moderation in all things, yes?

When I was young, there was a population boom in California, and along with the increase in people came a decrease in energy. There seemed to be the thought that if the citizens did not take immediate action, their children and grandchildren would be left in a world of darkness.

There were presentations at school, commercials during normal tv hours, and stories on the evening news of the importance to save our futures and the well-being of the environment. I remember building a strict habit to turn off lights as soon as I left the room, to maybe instead turn on a lamp. Fancy light bulbs were sold as elementary school fund raisers to help save energy for the world. There were so many things that I did not understand then and still don't really understand now. For instance, I have no idea where our energy came from. But I knew that I needed to save it.

I can assure you, that saving energy did not do any bad for the state of California. Yet for some reason, people don't seem to believe that energy needs to be conserved.

I still have the habits that came with the California Energy Crisis (which I did research and is somewhat related to the downfall of Enron, as most things are).

Some people find them annoying, such as my roommate who is probably reading this. Now she understands why I have no problem sitting in a room that is dimly lit (but lit all the same) and function perfectly fine without really thinking twice about the lighting in the room. There was just a point in my life where my brain was programmed to not want the lights on, and even so much that I don't like lights on, I just don't think they're necessary.

Certain individuals, like the boy in my class, would say that I had been BRAINWASHED into this. But you know, I don't think I was, but if I had been, I'm glad. But I'm happy for my habits. I like that I turn everything off all the time. I like that I get annoyed by unnatural lighting. There is honestly few things that bother me more.

I prefer the sunlight.
The pure energy that I can enjoy.

I prefer the moonlight and starlight.

The beauty that comes with it.

I'm beginning to wonder if I really even care about energy or going green. I think I've simply turned into a person addicted to the sun and whatever I can do to have more of it in my life, I will do so.

and in the midst of this winter, the midst of this "scam", my addiction is not making a fight for itself.

come back mr.sun

close to you

for some reason I have a hard time believing some of the studies done about people. why is it that we are SO obsessed for finding reasons for everything. why is it that a person has to look at a drawing to understand how they feel. people have been thinking and feeling just fine without explanations behind anything for generations.

there's so much that we'll never know.

so much that stupid studies will never explain.

and as I say this, I believe I am putting down half of my peer's major, but really. life is so much easier for those who are not analyzing thought, but actually analyzing through thought. for I am sure each person in this world has been through enough to have a therapist.

for I am sure a therapist would love to dissect my life.

but I will not let them. by nature, I am a problem solver. there is no need for someone to tell me what's wrong and how to fix it.

and if I needed to talk to someone about something, I'd go to my friends. not a random stranger who understands me based on a few surveys and studies.

it's been a long week.
that's all.

the part that can't be put on paper

My roommates thought it'd be fun to draw their "brains" on our windows. It is interesting to see all the stuff that simply goes on in the head of those around you. Although when looking at the depictions every suspicion I've ever had about left handed people thinking differently has been confirmed. What my roommates chose to depict were lots of things I'd never even think of as the goings on in my brain.

Tonight a boy was walking by and stopped and looked at the window and then came inside to inquire about it. One of my roommates and I informed him that it was a depiction of the brains of two of our other roommates. He stopped and looked a little more at the window and said quite honestly,

"Where's all the ----- well, you know ----- the confusing stuff?"

My roommate and I looked at each other and laughed responding that the confusing stuff could never be put down on paper.

this made me think

why couldn't my roommates just write down the confusing things? were they afraid? could they not put it into words? was it actually difficult for them? or did they just want to keep those kind of things secret? I think that's what makes me different. If someone told me to depict my brain. I would include EVERY bit of the messy confusing parts that even I don't fully understand. It is because it's so confusing that it's such a big part of what is going on. A depiction of my brain would not form full complete comprehensive thoughts. Just words and happy pictures that come to mind. The truth is, the confusing stuff can be put down on paper.

But it's still going to be confusing.

after laughing about the insanity of a woman's train of thought, my roommate got a text and started freaking out. She started to explain, but couldn't put into words that the boy could understand, but words that I understood perfectly. But as she was running out of the room to grab her shoes, the boy said,

"this is the part that can't be put on paper."

anxiously engaged

two of my best friends are embarking on adventures that are going to last each them an eternity

my happiness and love for each is so great it cannot be worded

I fell asleep on my couch last night. It reminded me of all those nights in high school when I had done the same. I had a lot to think about a lot to reminisce.

a lot of unknown.

a lot of happiness.

maybe one day, life will be an adventure for me.

maybe one day-

someone will feel this great amount of happiness for me.

but for now-

I get to feel this amazing amount of happiness for two people I love dearly.

for now-

that is all I really want anyway.

so life, and friends-

bring on the happy times.

my lucky stars

Being a mere five foot two inches, I have a knack for standing on top of things. If I'm with a group of people and every one is standing, I'll find a chair or a ledge, or anything raised and just stand a top it. Being just a few inches taller makes me feel like I have more power, or sometimes, it just helps me see the world at a different perspective. Sometimes when I'm nice and taller, I like to look up to the sky and feel closer to the marvelous things that it contains.

Last night, while walking around my apartment complex, I looked up and saw my friends on the roof and gladly joined them. I live on the third floor and love it. But there was something about being on the roof. There were no boundaries, I felt above the people of the world. As I looked down and around me, I noticed the endless amount of streetlights, going for what seemed like forever. Shining and reminding me of all the people I'm surrounded by. It was a spectacular feeling.

But then I looked up. And I noticed, that because of the lights on the ground, the sky that I was allowed to feel so at one with, was not as lit up as I'd ever seen a sky. But it was still a wonderful sight. Stars are beautiful things, whether there are few or all shining in the sky above.

After my friend played some beautiful songs on the guitar and I danced along, I came down to reality, climbed into my bed, turned off my light and looked at the ceiling. And saw the stars. I've always loved the fact that there are glow in the dark stars on the ceiling of my room that actually work and even though they're not real, they remind me of what I'd be seeing if there was not a ceiling at all.

the rain still makes me think of you

The sky likes to remind me that it's still there. It likes to gently change from light to dark, and sometimes, when unappreciated, or needs some love, or wants to share some love.

It give a little to the earth. Just a reminder that the sky is still there and it plays a role in our lives.

In April, a friend of mine passed away. It was a life changing experience for me. But one thing I learned after his death, is that he always loved the rain. So have I. But now, when it rains, there's a little something more behind it all. Sometimes is brings me happiness, just pure joy. Sometimes, it brings sorrow, or even frustration. And a lot of times, it just brings thoughtfulness. Yesterday, it rained. And I just thought, about life, about my friend, about what the rain means to me. I read a journal entry I wrote this summer during a rain. It ended with

"you are always with me, I hope it rains."

I may not have seen this friend, or even talked to him is years, but he changed my life by losing his.

and I think it's going to rain today...

I was going through a notebook from my junior year of high school today. That seems like it was forever ago, it was only two years, a lot has happened since those days. I hate to say it, but I think those were possibly the best days of my life. Most of what I remember from junior year is the pure happiness I always felt. Nothing could bring me down.

It's not that I'm not happy now, it's just that I don't seem to have that pure joy that comes from knowing who my friends are, knowing that I'm doing the right thing. Knowing that someone is there for me no matter what happens. And succeeding in just about everything that I try at. But it is quite alright that this happiness is not here, it makes me enjoy the happiness I have now, and look forward to a day when that happiness comes again.

I was in class, looking at this notebook, avoiding the discussion, and I came across a list of 25 ideas for a speech that I would be writing in the next year. I looked at all these topics and realized that I use to be my own person, I use to believe in things, fight for what I believed and contributed to conversation. It seems that the happiness I had gave me confidence, I was willing to be that person that I know I am. So I am now in search of my opinion, my feisty self that I lost somewhere with all the low stress, happy life.

it's not my fault that when I was a baby I was dropped in a box of glitter
[and I've been shining ever since]

calculus and religion

and I take off and fly away,
living the life I've always believed.
then maybe, I think,
I hope that one day,
you'll start to miss me.
and if you do-
find yourself missing me while I'm out for a fly,
you might find yourself wishing me back,
and if I hear you, I'll try to come quick.
but I might not be thinking or listening for you,
or your call.
I might no remember you,
or your love,
at all.
you should have missed me all along.
you should have missed me before I was gone.
you lost your chance.
you had me and let me go.
it's over now, but you should know.

you could have had me.
I would have stayed.

but you would not love me

so I flew away.

when the day comes

Did you know that following your dreams and following your heart are two different things?

I wonder if in my life- the two will line up. I hope that I won't have to choose. Because I'm much too passionate.

I will choose the wrong one, I am quite sure of it.

I Fell Asleep in Your Arms

While I was home, I went to see my friends puppies often. They were born the night before I arrived and all they really did was eat and sleep, each one would fall asleep in your hands. Small and vulnerable, these puppies so willingly trusted me to protect them. They couldn't see me, yet here they were, dozing gently in my arms. I fell in love with each one of them.

I wish I was as innocent as a newborn puppy. Only knowing that being held means warmth and love. Not everyone who holds you brings warmth and love. Did you know that? Sure, at the moment, it may seem like it. But later on, you don't feel the warmth. You feel the chill of their soul, and instead of love, bitterness.

While I held a puppy, he would sometime twitch, I would wonder if he was dreaming and what possibly a blind newborn puppy could dream about. I'm sure it would be nothing short of wonderful imagination at it's finest. I have always been one to dream while I sleep. I can't always remember my dreams, I know they happen, I sometimes I even know that they are happening. Most times I can change them while they are happening. When I can remember them, I wonder. Is there a reason why? Is there a deeper meaning? Should I keep those who are in them in close view in the months to come? Or should I perhaps leave these wonderful thoughts and ideas in my sleeping mind? Why is my sleeping mind doing this to me? Why? Why? Why?

I don't have answers. Perhaps I have one, life would just be so much easier if I could simply be a puppy.