Three years ago, something changed in me. I can't describe it. I can't full express to you why one thing changed my life so much. I can't help but wonder why so many big life events happen to me in the month of April. Particularly around this stretch of time. Yet, April always turns into a month of reflection. Life is not always what we expect it to be. I always say that. But today, as I looked through pictures, I looked into my seventeen year old face and thought, "She never knew what was coming to her. Where I am today was unfathomable then."
Through it all though, this girl is right by my side.
I always say that I don't expect anything in my life, but I do. I have this idealized life set in my mind and until Sunday, I didn't realize that maybe my ideal is not always possible or even what is right for me. Three years ago today, life was strange. I walked through my day unsure and without any of those expectations, I was just living in the time that I was in.
I didn't understand. I cried a lot. That was the last time I cried. It was confusing and scary and sad. I still sometimes don't understand the why, the how. But I know that my life is worth living. It's worth having those expectations, even if they don't turn out how you planned, sometimes, they turn out different, worse, or even better. And that's when life is sweetest. And expectations are okay, as long as you live in the now too.
I want this post to be respectful. I want this post to say what I feel (though I know that is impossible). No matter how much time passes and how much I look forward. I know that I must look back to remind myself how I got to where I am today. So many people come and go. But even after some of them are gone, their life lingers. And for that, I am so glad.
