I'm only twenty-one years old. I have been through a lot in my life, and really I was fairly young when my mom stopped painting the world as a pretty, perfect place. But I wouldn't say I've had a life that forced me to grow-up immaturely and I would definitely say I'm a far cry from getting a special segment on Ellen or Oprah. I would say I've had a normal life, in which I had to start my journey to adulthood at the ripe old age of seventeen. I think most people could probably say they did the same thing. And it has been quite the journey, full of all the things that make people learn how to grow up (failure, heartache, financial stress, pain).
I was a quiet child. I was shy. I always enjoyed listening to people. I was constantly worried about being rude or someone that could have mean words said behind my back. Interestingly enough, I now study Sociology. I study how people interact and why they do what they act because of these situations. Along the way of my college journey - I have been allowed to better understand myself and the people around me.
Now let's just start off by admitting that I am human. I have just as many flaws as the next person, if not more. I also understand that other people are human and have flaws. Friendship is recognizing the flaws in someone and still talking to them anyway. And I have a lot of friends who are really patient me. Which is awesome. Because I sure do talk far too much and I sometimes can joke about things to a degree that people think that I personally am attacking them and sometimes I'm a horrid gossiper. I get impatient with my peers who cannot figure out how to be adults. But all of these things I'm trying to stop and aside from the talking too much thing, I do pretty well. I try to apologize. I try to make up for it. But like all humans, I falter.
This semester. I have been fighting a beast. I will not say if this beast is a person, my own thoughts, a disease, a book, or an animal. I will not say if this beast is actually real or a figment of my imagination. I will not say that I have conquered this beast. Because that would be not true. I have been patient. I have submitted to what the Lord has handed to me because it is better to be happy and share love than to be frustrated and cause contention.
I will admit these things though:
1. Maybe I have not always had the best attitude about life this semester. And as much as I'd like to blame the beast, it is not entirely the beast's fault.
2. The beast has made me into someone who entirely not myself. Many times. And I don't like who that person was. I will be happy when the beast exits my life, I will feel like myself again.
3. The beast has caused me to feel:
inadequate
FAT
stupid
messy
unintelligent
weak
hideously UGLY
unsuccessful
mean
worthless
I have felt like I am not smart enough to be a college student. I have felt like I don't deserve to have friends. I have felt like the world would be better if I turned into the shy girl who never talked. I felt like no man will ever love me. I have felt like my hair is keeping me from being beautiful. I have felt like I may never be good enough to accomplish anything of merit in this life. I have felt like crying.
I have felt a lot of awful, horrible things because of the beast's power.
I've been trying to release myself from the beast's power for a while now.
Since the moment I recognized the beast was trying to change me.
And although it has not been an easy fight, I have been mostly successful.
But I'd lie if I told you I haven't thought some of these things in the past week because of the beast.
But I have learned so much from the beast. First off, whatever the beast makes me feel, I am not any of those things listed above. I am a person and I deserve the right to be who I am.
And I want to be better. To turn my weaknesses into strengths. To not let anyone else be effected by the beast. I want to love more. I want to love better. I want to forget the beast and I also want to remember the beast so I never go through this again.
So I guess this is just a long post about why I haven't been writing. And about how we are all good enough. And we can all fight beasts. And we can all find strength to get through the rough times. We are all people and deserve to be treated as such. And if there is a beast in your life, a person, your grades, your thoughts, anything...FIGHT against it. Be who you are, because you are capable of so much.
