Feel Again

I honestly have more on my plate than is comprehensible to me right now, so obviously, I'm writing. I just had a breakthrough you know, well maybe not a breakthrough...but a thought.

I have bragged in the past about my independence, my ability to be free and be myself and to be happy. And I don't take that back. But I do think that I have spent more than a fair amount of time in life waiting for a man. There. I said it. It's not that I need one, it's that I feel so awesome that it's almost like I deserve one.

I'm not delusional, I know that it takes time to find someone that's good for you and that there are plenty of lovely girls around me that have never had the opportunity to even date a boy. And that is unfortunate for them. And it's not unfortunate because they've never had the opportunity. It's unfortunate because literally OUR WHOLE LIVES have been filled with the church, our families, books, movies, television shows, our friends and advertising telling women that men are basically guaranteed in this life. How are women supposed to feel when that just doesn't magically happen in their lives?

I feel like I've wasted so much time planning a future that isn't actually guaranteed, who can actually guarantee that? I can't. Many have tried. But sometimes, I can't help but wonder why. Why love? And maybe I'm just upset or bitter or sad or frustrated with love right now, but that's where I'm at.

And then I realize. That I know why everyone is obsessed with it. Why the world raises us telling us that love is guaranteed. How love seems to work it's way into every part of our lives and why it can be frustrating and why people make it out to be so important.

It's because love is worth it.

And I sometimes almost resent love for being worth it. But then I remember that it's fantastic. It's powerful. And I'm not talking about friendship love either, I'm talking about straight-up romantic, unconditional love. It's wonderful. The way that it can hurt and help and break down walls and solve problems and make everything okay again. It's better than the movies. It hurts more than the movies let on. It does more good than the movies let on. I don't know. I know I should be feeling awful most of the time, but I can't. I can't feel bad because of what happened, I can only move on with hope. Because I know that it's possible. I know that I'm capable. And maybe I'll get to fall in love over and over again. Maybe I'll never feel this way again. But at least I know that I can. At least I know that I have. And that is beautiful.

So maybe it's misleading, and maybe it's hard. But I'm glad. I'm glad that we live in a world that believes so fully in love. Because love is worth believing in.

Be Here Now.

I'm taking a lot of credits this semester. I feel like I'm always busy and that I can't give enough of myself to all of the people and things in my life. I just want to be able to give more. And be more. But as I get myself worked up about being perfect, being a good friend and being someone worthwhile. The type of person that other people want to know and be with. I realize that I need to stop getting worked up and just be. And of all of the physical things I can give, aside from love (which I give unconditionally to many many people), one of the greatest things I can give is time. And whether I'm giving this time to my classes, my employers, my friends, or God, this time is valuable and I need to not be distracted. Which leads me to this simple phrase that was said in one of my classes and I have been saying to myself several times a day ever since:

Be where you are.

I have not perfected this art yet. I still let my mind wander and don't give my all to where I am all of the time. But I'm trying. And I love the idea of making the most of my time not by multi-tasking. But rather giving my devotion and self to where I am. To focus on the people who I am with because if I'm there, I made the choice to be there and I need to make people believe that I want to be there.

This applies to classes, work, hanging out with friends, and homework. Like I said, I'm not perfect. But I've noticed a difference. It makes me happier and I'm getting more out of what I'm doing and I still have time to accomplish everything I need to. And I don't freak out so much about being enough of a person. Sometimes it still feels like there aren't enough hours in the day. But less-so now. So 

Be where you are.

Make the most of your time.

There's more to life than trying to get everything done as fast as possible.

Enjoy what you do.

Love yourself and love your life.