Feel Again

I honestly have more on my plate than is comprehensible to me right now, so obviously, I'm writing. I just had a breakthrough you know, well maybe not a breakthrough...but a thought.

I have bragged in the past about my independence, my ability to be free and be myself and to be happy. And I don't take that back. But I do think that I have spent more than a fair amount of time in life waiting for a man. There. I said it. It's not that I need one, it's that I feel so awesome that it's almost like I deserve one.

I'm not delusional, I know that it takes time to find someone that's good for you and that there are plenty of lovely girls around me that have never had the opportunity to even date a boy. And that is unfortunate for them. And it's not unfortunate because they've never had the opportunity. It's unfortunate because literally OUR WHOLE LIVES have been filled with the church, our families, books, movies, television shows, our friends and advertising telling women that men are basically guaranteed in this life. How are women supposed to feel when that just doesn't magically happen in their lives?

I feel like I've wasted so much time planning a future that isn't actually guaranteed, who can actually guarantee that? I can't. Many have tried. But sometimes, I can't help but wonder why. Why love? And maybe I'm just upset or bitter or sad or frustrated with love right now, but that's where I'm at.

And then I realize. That I know why everyone is obsessed with it. Why the world raises us telling us that love is guaranteed. How love seems to work it's way into every part of our lives and why it can be frustrating and why people make it out to be so important.

It's because love is worth it.

And I sometimes almost resent love for being worth it. But then I remember that it's fantastic. It's powerful. And I'm not talking about friendship love either, I'm talking about straight-up romantic, unconditional love. It's wonderful. The way that it can hurt and help and break down walls and solve problems and make everything okay again. It's better than the movies. It hurts more than the movies let on. It does more good than the movies let on. I don't know. I know I should be feeling awful most of the time, but I can't. I can't feel bad because of what happened, I can only move on with hope. Because I know that it's possible. I know that I'm capable. And maybe I'll get to fall in love over and over again. Maybe I'll never feel this way again. But at least I know that I can. At least I know that I have. And that is beautiful.

So maybe it's misleading, and maybe it's hard. But I'm glad. I'm glad that we live in a world that believes so fully in love. Because love is worth believing in.