So Ambitious for a Juvenile

The other day, my professor asked: Why are you here? What do you want from your major? With two months left in my undergrad, I ask myself that question a lot. I hate when people look at me like I chose a major that will be useless in life. I hate when people think that the only things worth studying in college are those that so obviously mean that you'll have money. On the first day of my class this semester, my professor asked the same question: Why are you here?
Every person had a different path to be in that class (everyone in the world takes different paths). But a part of almost every person's story was along the lines of, "studying things with the goal of making money seemed pretty miserable." - now before I go any further, I need to make two points:

1. I like nice things. I intend on making money in life, I understand people who study things that they hate in order to give their future children a sweet life. I super respect people who enjoy studying those subjects that make a lot of money. We need  you in this world. And by goodness, everyone should just follow their passion.
2. I am not studying a dead-end subject. There are a fairly significant amount of jobs that I am qualified for that I could make a lot of money doing without a master's degree. So please stop thinking that I am destined for poverty.

But I want to answer the questions: Why are you here? What do you want from your major?

Honestly, I want to change things. I don't need to change the world, I just want to somehow make a difference. Which in reality, a lot of people want to do. This is the path that I've chosen to do so. I am where I am because I picked myself up each time I fell down, because I found something that I'm passionate about and I want to be happy with my life. As I apply for graduate schools, I find myself questioning everything. It's a scary life. I wonder if I am devoted enough. I wonder if this is what I really want...

And honestly, sometimes the answer is that I wish I was playing my trumpet twelve hours a day. Sometimes the answer is that I wish I was becoming a teacher. Sometimes I wish that I was going into clothing design. I wonder why I'm not applying to medical school and becoming the doctor my mom dreamed of. And some days, I wish that I could just sit at home and raise children with the husband that I don't have.

You can tell a lot about a girl by the contents of her shelf.

But then I remember. I love what I study. I love it with all my heart. It's not easy. It can be painstakingly frustrating to want to change everything and have no influence at all. It can be hard to love so many people and want to understand so many people but slip up and hate some and don't understand another culture. But for every little slip up, there are little victories. What I'm studying makes me a better person every day. I don't feel like I'm changing things yet. And though I love all of the small things I can do to make a living in this world, I know that I'm going to be much happier when I feel like I am inspiring change. I hope to reach that point somehow. Someday. A lot of times, I think this song was written for me.



I want so much. But I know that the only way I can get there is through the little victories. Even as I write this, the dreams I've dreamed for myself seem too big. It feels impossible. It feels like something I don't know if I really want.

But the thing about passion is that it doesn't matter how impossible life feels, it drives you forward. 

I wish I could explain to you what these words mean to me. But from the same talk this was given in, there was another quote that helps me remember what all of this is truly for:

this work is about love - not statistics.