"I can fit through there, you want to know why?"

I'm little.

I get it.

Ash is little, but that's what makes him fantastic. 

I don't see myself as little. This week, I have been reminded of such several times though.

And it always is a surprise.
My mom says I forget because I have such a big personality...
I don't know if that is a good thing or not.

It hits the hardest when I'm like, "oh, I'm not that short, I mean I'm taller than so-and-so."

and then a comparison is made and I am shorter or the same height as so-and-so.

But I never remember. I never see it as a defining quality.
But it kind of is.

And despite the fact that my friends think that I could pass as a 13 year old.

Even though I can't always reach things.

And various other things.

I kind of like being little.

Even though I don't always remember.

the love of the game

I don't think I can tell you the moment I first picked up a wiffleball bat.

And I don't know how many games my brothers and I played as children.

I don't know how to describe the countless Saturdays dedicated to Little League.

I can't count how many Stockton Ports games I've been to.

I don't know how many Oakland A's games I've been to.

I don't think I've ever mentioned it before, but now I will.

Baseball is kind of a piece of who I am.

When I think about it- most of my childhood memories involve baseball.

Or water...but that is a different story.

This past weekend, I fused the then with the now.

Baseball has entered my life once again.

And I love it.

I forgot that I loved it.

I forgot that I cared.

But I do.

There's this tiny part of me that wonders how I could ever let a love like this go. 

And how I could possibly find a way to love something else and just forget this part of me.

But it happened.

But somehow, baseball found it's way back.

And I couldn't be happier.

 

you can either give up, give in, or give it your all...

I often think back on life. Not so much as to dwell on the past, but more so to recall what I thought my future would be like. 

As I remember my ambitions, my secret desires and my sincerest hopes at different times in my life, I wonder what I was really like back then. I feel as if not much has changed about me. Yet those ambitions, desires, and hopes have all become much different.

I never imagined college life. Sure, I imagined getting a degree, and it's true, I imagined getting married at some point. But growing up, college was this giant roadblock between being a kid and living my dreams. I understand now that it's necessary. That I probably should have mentally prepped more for this time in my life. It's a time to take chances. A time when nothing is sure. A time for adventures. And a time to make choices that will determine the rest of your life.

What I use to expect of myself is now just a fleeting moment in the past. You can never plan your life. Well, I guess some people do. Some people know exactly what they want and do all they are capable of to achieve it. 

That was never me.

I never knew what I wanted.

A gymnast?

An artist?

A computer animator?

A psychiatrist?

A forest ranger?

A musician?

A math teacher?

At each time each of these "phases" came. I truly believed that was my calling in life. That is what I was truly talented at and able to do. Sometimes I like to think that I could have done any of those things. If I had really put my mind to it. What if I had just given up on these things?

And then I remember  that I don't want any of those things anymore.

I was discussing dreams and ambitions with a friend the other day and I mentioned how I can't even imagine why I ever thought I wanted to do something different than what I have planned now.

And I think that's what it's suppose to be like.

The way I see it, you can either give up on your dreams, give in to other people's dreams for you, or give your dreams all you have to give.

But you have to give.