from the couch

when I was in the sixth grade, I fell off my little brother's bike.

if I could attempt to pinpoint the moment in my life when getting hurt became commonplace. I think that would be it.

shortly after this accident, I started playing soccer, and although only about 50% of my injuries in life have resulted because of soccer, it has played a major role.

in my mind, I have become invincible. I try anything because I am alive, and I am young and I am free.

yet, I like to throw myself at the ground and sometimes...the ground isn't cool with that.

upon my most recent fall, I texted my cousin and said "I'm so hardcore."

His reply.

There's a difference between being hardcore and being fragile.

I push too hard. especially that night.

there was this guy, he was being a jerk the whole night.

it was like he was trying to show off. but I'm not quite sure who he was impressing.

there came a point when I was guarding him and he said "throw it high, there's no way."

words cannot describe. not only did he make a stab at my height, but also my frisbee skills.

boy, I don't care how beautiful your face is (because really, he has a beautiful face). that isn't ever going to be endearing.

I have some great friends. friends who realized how rude it was, and also noticed how frustrated I was becoming. unfortunately, the more frustrated I become, the more reckless I also become. I started playing harder. Trying to prove that I was good enough. I was getting sore. I could feel my body getting angry.


then the pass came, I said in my mind "just going down on my knees, this won't hurt."
something happened.

couldn't stand. couldn't walk. so much pain. face in the grass.

carried home. put on the couch. given an ice pack.

and stayed.

for days.

not long after the fall. my roommate thought this was beyond comical. it's true.

I mentioned before that I have some great friends.

They took care of me.

I've been known to push through pain. But I was terrified to make it worse.

Knees are tricky.

So I actually rested. I hated almost every minute of it.

So much ice, so much sitting.

But it was good for me. I at least allowed the healing process to start normally.

I may be pushing through now. But I started it right.

I'm glad for friends.

I'm glad for healing.

and I know that I am fragile. and that maybe, I push too hard.

but I'm still alive, and young, and free.

so I'm going to keep playing.