I Feel Pretty

I wouldn't say that I'm obsessed with how I look. In fact, I feel pretty great having short hair, never wearing make-up, and always wearing my glasses. I am constantly saddened when I hear remarks from the beautiful people in my life such as:

"I just look ugly today"
"I look fat"
"I need to work out more"
"My hair just is stupid today"
"I need to eat less"
"I can't, or I'll get fat"

It's true that most girls (and probably most boys) have struggles with accepting their appearance. There is always someone who looks prettier and there is always something that won't be perfect. I have written several papers on the definition of beauty. It's one of those things that I get passionate about. It's why I want to work with women with eating disorders. I want the everyone in the world to see themselves in a positive way. Because I rarely meet an ugly person but I'm sure I've met plenty of people who feel as if they are ugly.

I usually pride myself on how comfortable I am in my own skin. It's probably pretty comparable to vanity. But I don't think it's THAT bad. But I have a confession to make. It's a confession that was inspired by an episode of Glee. In the episode they sing this beautiful song (check it out, I dare you) and then you find out that the beautiful cheerleader use to be not as perfect looking.

As the character tells her story. It reminds me a lot of my own. I looked different in middle school. I found out that I was athletic when I started playing soccer and lost quite a bit of weight and then went through a growth spurt. I stopped wearing glasses, had braces, and started parting my hair on the side. Instead of straight down the middle. I started wearing clothes that fit me better and in the middle of all of this, I moved to a different state. And I gained a lot more confidence. I became a totally different person.

But unlike the character in the show, I don't hate what I looked like. It doesn't haunt me to think that someone might find out. I definitely don't think that what I looked like or what I did in middle school is killing who I can become. But I know that it's a part of me and in ways, it still haunts me. I once showed these pictures to a friend and he said "Is that really you?" What he didn't realize when he said this is that sometimes if I don't look in a mirror, that is how I picture myself in my head. Sometimes if I'm even looking in the mirror, that's what I see. I see my little eighth grade self. I often feel as if nothing has changed.

But so much as changed. And really, I'm glad that I'm still connected to that self from middle school. But most of all. I'm glad that I can look in the mirror and think that I look beautiful. In a recent talk to the men of the church President Thomas S. Monson said:

And although I can't really recall a time when a man other than my father told me I was beautiful, except for once. I feel blessed to have the confidence to know that I am beautiful. That even when I see myself as being in my middle school body, that I still feel beautiful. And I think he has a point. Every one deserves to feel that way. And maybe telling them has the effect to make it especially true. And that maybe, it will make a difference. 

And maybe they need to be reminded because maybe,

they aren't seeing themselves for who they are that day.

slow dancing in a burning room

A about a year and a half ago, I had a friend take me to a place that I was always too afraid to go to. When we walked in the door, I realized that I was never going to be the same. There was something special about that place that I just couldn't let it leave my life.

Since that night, I have met some interesting people. The good, and the bad kind of interesting. Yet, I love all of them. I have never been in such a judgment free place in my life. To everyone there, it is simply a place to bond over a shared love.

I've gained some of the most wonderful of friends.

They have taught me so much.

mostly, I've learned that you can't take life to seriously.

you have to laugh, you have to dance

you have to completely be yourself and let people accept it.

you have to be real.

When I found out that this place was going to be discontinued as a venue. It saddened me a bit.

It's not so much that I won't be dancing, or that I won't have those people.

Those will thankfully remain the same.

It's just the place that will be gone. And I will miss it.

But the dancing will go on. If there's anything I've learned, is that you can dance as long as you can move.

music is preferred, but completely optional.
Lessons have been learned. Lessons have been taught.
And every time, I keep learning more.

I'm not actually at Blue Tango in this picture.
It just so happens to be the only picture I have of me dancing.

yes we're lovers, and that is that.

A few weeks ago, I went to go see a movie. Usually, movies are good for numbing. Mental and emotional numbing. Just to forget everything that is happening in your life and just sit and not feel emotions for you. But feel for the characters. Watching the movie you feel happiness, heartbreak, frustration, sadness, complete loneliness, and so many other things as the character feels it. And then you leave the theater feeling particularly exhausted from all the feeling and your emotions slowly ease their way back into your body.

This is not what always happens. It's mostly a choice that I make, to numb all that is going on around me. That night. I definitely went into the movie ready to numb myself from all that has been on my mind. To feel someone else's emotions, because I was tired of mine. I saw a beautiful movie. It was amazing. And as I watched it, I felt the numbing. But while I was leaving, I realized that I wasn't numb. In fact, I was invigorated. As the character in the movie said, "I feel infinite". 

The rain was falling. It wasn't pouring. It wasn't sprinkling. It was simply raining. I love the rain. We were driving home and this glorious song came on the radio. And I felt good. I felt happy. All the emotions I had been feeling had been resolved. I don't know how to describe it. I felt like a weight had been lifted off, though I never knew that I had the weight there. It was like all of my feelings this past month were not mine and that I finally have all of my feelings back. I felt alive. I still feel that way. 

I feel like myself.

Not to say there haven't been moments that I've felt like myself in the past little while.

But I feel like I have woken from some melancholy dream in which I was living someone else's life.

And now I am myself for real.