yes we're lovers, and that is that.

A few weeks ago, I went to go see a movie. Usually, movies are good for numbing. Mental and emotional numbing. Just to forget everything that is happening in your life and just sit and not feel emotions for you. But feel for the characters. Watching the movie you feel happiness, heartbreak, frustration, sadness, complete loneliness, and so many other things as the character feels it. And then you leave the theater feeling particularly exhausted from all the feeling and your emotions slowly ease their way back into your body.

This is not what always happens. It's mostly a choice that I make, to numb all that is going on around me. That night. I definitely went into the movie ready to numb myself from all that has been on my mind. To feel someone else's emotions, because I was tired of mine. I saw a beautiful movie. It was amazing. And as I watched it, I felt the numbing. But while I was leaving, I realized that I wasn't numb. In fact, I was invigorated. As the character in the movie said, "I feel infinite". 

The rain was falling. It wasn't pouring. It wasn't sprinkling. It was simply raining. I love the rain. We were driving home and this glorious song came on the radio. And I felt good. I felt happy. All the emotions I had been feeling had been resolved. I don't know how to describe it. I felt like a weight had been lifted off, though I never knew that I had the weight there. It was like all of my feelings this past month were not mine and that I finally have all of my feelings back. I felt alive. I still feel that way. 

I feel like myself.

Not to say there haven't been moments that I've felt like myself in the past little while.

But I feel like I have woken from some melancholy dream in which I was living someone else's life.

And now I am myself for real.