when it rains, it pours. and then it runs out.

"I don't want to become someone who can't live up to what they've already done"

I have yet to graduate from college. But it is going to happen soon. So I find myself preparing for the future.

There is so much I'm planning on doing with my life and so much I need to do in order to make that future possible. It's overwhelming. It's exciting. It's something different.

But then again, as I evaluate myself today - it is something different than what I could have ever imagined for my life. I never knew this is what I wanted. I never knew that this is the person I would become. 

For instance, when I came into college, I said I did not ever want to go to graduate school. I wanted to get a bachelor's degree that could support me without any sort of post graduate work. I did that. But I am choosing to apply to graduate schools because I have found the things I love and I want to do so much about them.

And that's what really matters to me. That is what should matter to everyone. To find a passion. And then do whatever you can in order to make the passion something you can do every day for the rest of your life.

I didn't always know my passion. Like I said, I thought I knew what I wanted. And there was honestly a point in my life where everything crashed and burned in front of me. But the beautiful part about things that burn down is that it allows for regrowth, rebirth. In my life, it meant a realignment of goals and desires. I recovered in the best way I could. And I'm now allowed to live a life better than I could dream of.

There are some things about that crashing phase of my life that I have come to terms with. There are so many things that feel resolved and so many things that I'm at peace with. In fact I wrote this blogpost to express my feelings of moving on. And I believe it. But I find myself wanting to make amends. I want to make a comeback. It's not so much that I haven't let go - it's that I hate being on bad terms with anyone or anything.

I like to think that it's a sign of being at peace with my life how it has turned out. Because I am. And in that way, I have comeback. I have comeback from the darkest, deepest failures of my life and I have made them into something beautiful, happiness.

So I don't need to make amends. I have already lived up to what I've already done. I have already passed that, I don't need to go back. It's so easy to want to go back, to change a specific failure into a new victory. Which is basically how I was feeling. But then I remember that the victory which is my happiness now - would have never happened if I hadn't have failed. Sometimes you have to lose a battle to win a war. Sometimes your comeback doesn't mean fixing what was wrong but moving past it.

And when you find happiness. You keep that. And don't question it. Take it, and run with it. And don't let it go, just let it grow.

p.s. This is a shoutout to the beautiful people in my life because I failed.