Still I Call it Magic

"It is better to be trusted than to be loved"

Recently, I went through an experience and I tried to classify it as heartbreak, but that was foolish of me. What really happened was that I felt like I had been betrayed. I felt like I trusted someone so much and it all fell apart. I had too much trust and now it just feels like a lie. It hurt so much more than any heartbreak and it's been harder to recover from than anything I could imagine.

I wish I could define trust. I wish I could understand it better. I wish I could say that trust is tangible and measurable. I think trust is so much more than honesty and truth. I think trust is your expectation of a person. It's how much and what you believe the person is capable of doing in your life.

It is when a person discontinues to meet these expectations that things fall apart. The person no longer becomes capable of all that you believed they were. And that's when trust fails us.
Trust is such a personal thing. It's choice that each of us has to make for each person we meet. It's something that we create, that we each define differently. It's a feeling.

I put too much trust in one person. It's not his fault that it hurt when it all fell apart. It's my fault, because I was the one who set those expectations. And that's the hard part. Knowing that I made it possible, and that I could do it again. Because it is the trust I had that hurt me so much, I'm scared out of my mind to trust again. But the pain is going away. The trust that I felt was broken before is being strengthened again simply because the love that I had is stronger than one person's mistakes. Than my mistakes.

And that's beautiful.

People can do much good when they feel trusted. People are able to see what they are capable of when we see it for them and show it. It's incredible. Trust is worthwhile, it can strengthen us. We can't stop trusting.

So I don't know if trust is better than love. I think they're interconnected. I think they build on each other. That's just what I think, but what I know is that it's all going to be okay.

"And if you were to ask me

after all we've been through -

Do I still believe in magic?

Yes I do.

of course I do"

Feel Again

I honestly have more on my plate than is comprehensible to me right now, so obviously, I'm writing. I just had a breakthrough you know, well maybe not a breakthrough...but a thought.

I have bragged in the past about my independence, my ability to be free and be myself and to be happy. And I don't take that back. But I do think that I have spent more than a fair amount of time in life waiting for a man. There. I said it. It's not that I need one, it's that I feel so awesome that it's almost like I deserve one.

I'm not delusional, I know that it takes time to find someone that's good for you and that there are plenty of lovely girls around me that have never had the opportunity to even date a boy. And that is unfortunate for them. And it's not unfortunate because they've never had the opportunity. It's unfortunate because literally OUR WHOLE LIVES have been filled with the church, our families, books, movies, television shows, our friends and advertising telling women that men are basically guaranteed in this life. How are women supposed to feel when that just doesn't magically happen in their lives?

I feel like I've wasted so much time planning a future that isn't actually guaranteed, who can actually guarantee that? I can't. Many have tried. But sometimes, I can't help but wonder why. Why love? And maybe I'm just upset or bitter or sad or frustrated with love right now, but that's where I'm at.

And then I realize. That I know why everyone is obsessed with it. Why the world raises us telling us that love is guaranteed. How love seems to work it's way into every part of our lives and why it can be frustrating and why people make it out to be so important.

It's because love is worth it.

And I sometimes almost resent love for being worth it. But then I remember that it's fantastic. It's powerful. And I'm not talking about friendship love either, I'm talking about straight-up romantic, unconditional love. It's wonderful. The way that it can hurt and help and break down walls and solve problems and make everything okay again. It's better than the movies. It hurts more than the movies let on. It does more good than the movies let on. I don't know. I know I should be feeling awful most of the time, but I can't. I can't feel bad because of what happened, I can only move on with hope. Because I know that it's possible. I know that I'm capable. And maybe I'll get to fall in love over and over again. Maybe I'll never feel this way again. But at least I know that I can. At least I know that I have. And that is beautiful.

So maybe it's misleading, and maybe it's hard. But I'm glad. I'm glad that we live in a world that believes so fully in love. Because love is worth believing in.

Be Here Now.

I'm taking a lot of credits this semester. I feel like I'm always busy and that I can't give enough of myself to all of the people and things in my life. I just want to be able to give more. And be more. But as I get myself worked up about being perfect, being a good friend and being someone worthwhile. The type of person that other people want to know and be with. I realize that I need to stop getting worked up and just be. And of all of the physical things I can give, aside from love (which I give unconditionally to many many people), one of the greatest things I can give is time. And whether I'm giving this time to my classes, my employers, my friends, or God, this time is valuable and I need to not be distracted. Which leads me to this simple phrase that was said in one of my classes and I have been saying to myself several times a day ever since:

Be where you are.

I have not perfected this art yet. I still let my mind wander and don't give my all to where I am all of the time. But I'm trying. And I love the idea of making the most of my time not by multi-tasking. But rather giving my devotion and self to where I am. To focus on the people who I am with because if I'm there, I made the choice to be there and I need to make people believe that I want to be there.

This applies to classes, work, hanging out with friends, and homework. Like I said, I'm not perfect. But I've noticed a difference. It makes me happier and I'm getting more out of what I'm doing and I still have time to accomplish everything I need to. And I don't freak out so much about being enough of a person. Sometimes it still feels like there aren't enough hours in the day. But less-so now. So 

Be where you are.

Make the most of your time.

There's more to life than trying to get everything done as fast as possible.

Enjoy what you do.

Love yourself and love your life.

I Love You Better Now

- and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy -

Thomas Merton was a monk and a writer. He was born in France and eventually moved to the United States. And months ago, I read this quote by him. "Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business, in fact, it is nobody's business, what we are asked to do is to love and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy." It's truly beautiful but what I've never really noticed is the end where it says that loving itself  makes us worthy of love.

I would like to say that I was recently thinking about love, but I mean, it's something I think about a lot and have been thinking about for a while. But at church today the question was posed

"How do you better love yourself?"

Loving oneself is a delicate balance between, self-confidence, self-esteem, vanity, and humility. But Thomas Merton says that when we love others, we ourselves become worthy of love. Every human being has loved. Romantically, platonically, completely, unconditionally, unrequitedly, perfectly, or imperfectly....humans inherently have a great capacity to love. [This is a long and beautiful subject that I'm not going to go into completely - but if you're interested, check THIS out] But really I believe Thomas Merton. That if we can love others, we can love ourselves. We are worth loving, we are all worthwhile. And if we have applied love in our lives to others, why shouldn't we be able to apply that love to ourselves?

In a book (movie) that I love, it says, "We accept the love we think we deserve." The moment I heard this, I tried to comprehend it. I often associate it with a quote from another movie it says that "Every woman has the exact love life she wants." and then later on in the story it says "But I can't imagine that this is what you want."

I know that might seem unrelated, but in my head it makes sense. It all comes together. No person on earth knows how to love perfectly. We all have things we have to learn about love. But I think we too often forget the importance of loving ourselves. If we love others, we can love ourselves (even if it seems hard sometimes, trust me, I KNOW). And if we love ourselves, we want more love. We want to be loved right.

We are worthy of love, most certainly from others, but just as importantly, from ourselves.

So Bring on the Thunder

I once was talking with my friend and she said

Lightning doesn't hit the same place twice in a row.

Now it doesn't matter if she was speaking metaphorically or what she might have been metaphorically speaking about. All that matters is that I've thought about it so much since she said it.

Growing up in Northern California, I'm not a stranger to thunder storms. But usually, when I think of lightning storms. Two very specific events come to mind. The first is the storm that was happening as I was at high school orientation for the first time. I didn't know at the time that it was going to be my last California thunderstorm. But I'm so glad that I took the time to appreciate it. The second storm I always think of is the first storm we had at Redfish. Each of these times make me think of the changes that went through after them. My move to Idaho, my intense growing experience that happened while I was as Redfish and the semester that followed it.

This friend of mine was trying to remain optimistic for me. And I appreciated it. But the metaphor was a lie. Lightning struck twice in a row and it was hard. Both times. And both times require extensive recovery. And you know what, that's okay.

The way I see it, lightning is always followed by thunder. Lightning signifies change. Once it does hit, good or bad, better or worse, things will change. So even though lightning did hit twice and yeah, it was not fun. Change is on it's way. Because if you want to dance in the rain, you're going to risk the sting of lightning. But then you'll experience the rolling beauty of thunder and the storm will rage on. And by all means, keep dancing. Keep experiencing life. Allow the lightning to come to you. Allow yourself to be hurt. To mend. Allow the progress to happen. Don't sit inside, wishing for the rain to stop. Wishing that you could walk into the sunshine without any pain.

I'm not sure if this makes much sense. I have a lot of emotions flowing through my body today. And I really like that. Because it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel like I can change. That good things are happening and better things will come. 

Lift Your Head and Stand Your Ground

Sometimes I worry that I might be too mature for my own good. And then I do something ridiculous like wear leggings with cats flying through space on them. Or I'll do something irresponsible like write a blogpost instead of my paper.

I'm only twenty-one years old. I have been through a lot in my life, and really I was fairly young when my mom stopped painting the world as a pretty, perfect place. But I wouldn't say I've had a life that forced me to grow-up immaturely and I would definitely say I'm a far cry from getting a special segment on Ellen or Oprah. I would say I've had a normal life, in which I had to start my journey to adulthood at the ripe old age of seventeen. I think most people could probably say they did the same thing. And it has been quite the journey, full of all the things that make people learn how to grow up (failure, heartache, financial stress, pain).

I was a quiet child. I was shy. I always enjoyed listening to people. I was constantly worried about being rude or someone that could have mean words said behind my back. Interestingly enough, I now study Sociology. I study how people interact and why they do what they act because of these situations. Along the way of my college journey - I have been allowed to better understand myself and the people around me.

Now let's just start off by admitting that I am human. I have just as many flaws as the next person, if not more. I also understand that other people are human and have flaws. Friendship is recognizing the flaws in someone and still talking to them anyway. And I have a lot of friends who are really patient me. Which is awesome. Because I sure do talk far too much and I sometimes can joke about things to a degree that people think that I personally am attacking them and sometimes I'm a horrid gossiper. I get impatient with my peers who cannot figure out how to be adults. But all of these things I'm trying to stop and aside from the talking too much thing, I do pretty well. I try to apologize. I try to make up for it. But like all humans, I falter.

This semester. I have been fighting a beast. I will not say if this beast is a person, my own thoughts, a disease, a book, or an animal. I will not say if this beast is actually real or a figment of my imagination. I will not say that I have conquered this beast. Because that would be not true. I have been patient. I have submitted to what the Lord has handed to me because it is better to be happy and share love than to be frustrated and cause contention.

I will admit these things though:
1. Maybe I have not always had the best attitude about life this semester. And as much as I'd like to blame the beast, it is not entirely the beast's fault.
2. The beast has made me into someone who entirely not myself. Many times. And I don't like who that person was. I will be happy when the beast exits my life, I will feel like myself again.
3. The beast has caused me to feel:

inadequate

FAT

stupid

messy

unintelligent

weak

hideously UGLY

unsuccessful

mean

worthless

I have felt like I am not smart enough to be a college student. I have felt like I don't deserve to have friends. I have felt like the world would be better if I turned into the shy girl who never talked. I felt like no man will ever love me. I have felt like my hair is keeping me from being beautiful. I have felt like I may never be good enough to accomplish anything of merit in this life. I have felt like crying.

I have felt a lot of awful, horrible things because of the beast's power.

I've been trying to release myself from the beast's power for a while now.

Since the moment I recognized the beast was trying to change me.

And although it has not been an easy fight, I have been mostly successful.

But I'd lie if I told you I haven't thought some of these things in the past week because of the beast.

But I have learned so much from the beast. First off, whatever the beast makes me feel, I am not any of those things listed above. I am a person and I deserve the right to be who I am.

And I want to be better. To turn my weaknesses into strengths. To not let anyone else be effected by the beast. I want to love more. I want to love better. I want to forget the beast and I also want to remember the beast so I never go through this again.

So I guess this is just a long post about why I haven't been writing. And about how we are all good enough. And we can all fight beasts. And we can all find strength to get through the rough times. We are all people and deserve to be treated as such. And if there is a beast in your life, a person, your grades, your thoughts, anything...FIGHT against it. Be who you are, because you are capable of so much.

Just Haven't Met You Yet

My junior year of high school was the year that I really recognized that I starting to lose my connection to California. I missed it. All of the time. I still do. I continually felt the need to be there to feel like home again. I'm sure that everyone misses the place where they grew up. I'm sure that's why my mom insisted on us moving back to Idaho after her being gone for nearly thirty years.

That was the year that I was taking AP English with one of my all-time favorite teachers. We had to write an essay in which we used description of a place to evoke emotion to our readers. A pretty basic assignment I would say. I chose to write about something that I had a lot of emotions about. Rinaldi's Market in Linden, CA. My teacher was amazed. She loved the paper, it was a major improvement from my previous assignment and it was full of my dramatic teenage emotions. My mom cried when she read my paper. I sent it to my friends in Linden and they loved it too. You may be sitting there, thinking to yourself: really, a grocery store? What makes it so special?

I can't really explain it. When this world seems to be getting so big, it's nice to know that a place like Rinaldi's exists. Or maybe thinking about how it was in the past makes me remember that I'm from a small town and that no matter where I go or what aspirations I have, that's where my roots are.

The other day, I was working on an assignment for class and I went through and read my paper about Rinaldi's. The first time in years. And guess what - it was a really bad paper. But there were some beautiful parts to it. It was titled "I Fell in Love at a Grocery Store". I remember how proud I was of that title. Then, I kid you not - seven months later, THIS VIDEO was released. It then became my dream to actually fall in love in a grocery store. But this isn't actually a blogpost about how I have recently fallen in love or anything.

This post is mostly about how sometimes it's really nice to remember where you came from. 

It makes you want to look at where you're going and make it count.
I have this internal debate every time someone asks me where I'm from. It would seem so sad to forget the place I grew up. But I hate neglecting what Idaho gave to me as well. So I usually say both.

Because I like who I am.
And these places are a part of that.