lucky

sometimes I just stop and realize how lucky I truly am.

and have been.

and I'm so lucky to have this picture to remind me of picking up trash at six in the morning, finding a frog, and loving that this was the view I had on my birthday.

and really.

sometimes I get caught up in life and what it will bring and I realized that I haven't taken the time to appreciate what it has already brought.

so, today, I realize how lucky I truly am.

a blank canvas

I wish I had something amazing to say.

some amazing accomplishment to declare to the world.

but I have nothing.

so I guess what I'm saying is that I'm ready.

I am my own artist.

looking at a blank canvas.

waiting for the inspiration of life to come.

you're gonna miss this

as I pack up and prepare to leave this place

as I have already started to say my goodbyes

the country song keeps coming into my mind.

you're gonna miss this.

you're gonna want this back.

you're going to wish these days hadn't gone by so fast...

and it's true

there were many days where I wished this experience away

but I've always known that I'm going to miss it.

the people here are so real.

they are people that have taught me so much about life.

I've learned so much here.

but I guess I can learn anywhere.

it just is never going to be the same.

I may have mentioned before

or I may not have

I can never remember

but I'm really good at appreciating

things

people

and places

after they're gone.

I think the fact that I appreciate this place now

before I'm gone

might be a sign of maturity.

or not.

who knows.

but I'm glad that I love this place.

I've learned so much,

I was going to make a post on all the things I've learned.

but it was too hard.

just know

I've learned so much.

I love this place.

it will always hold a place in my heart.

and as much as I've had my hard times.

that's what has made it an adventure.

and that is what life is all about.

As a beginning freshman in college, I did not go through the same traditions as others.

I chose to not live in a dorm or with people my age.

I chose to not go to orientation and to just have my brother show me where my classrooms were.

I had worked the whole summer with sixty other BYU students.

I had friends.

I had people to help me make it through a rocky first semester.

But I also had only one friend my age.

As a freshman in college,

You need freshmen friends.

Friends going through the same scary, embarrassing, exhilarating moments as you.

I desperately needed those friends.

And with some hard work and patience.

Two girls took me into their circle.

Through our first semester, we saw each other five days a week.

We were there for each other for every freshman moment.

As the second semester started,

I only got to see one of them, three days a week.

She and I never really got along at first.

But by the end of the semester,

We needed each other.

We went through everything together that semester:

Dating, boys, first kisses, break ups, new jobs, new places to live.

Every time we saw each other we had some important news.

Then she got engaged.

Then, on Friday.

She got married.

She looked so happy.

They both looked so happy.

They looked scared.

Going into the unknown.

But they had hope in their eyes.

Because they had each other.

I know that's a tad sappy.

But that's what they looked like.

As I left their wedding reception,

I took off my shoes and got an overwhelming feeling of how lucky I am.

I felt so strongly of the freedom I always crave.

I felt like I was unstoppable.

Which is strange,

because most times events like weddings remind me how alone I am.

But I felt amazing.

I just couldn't help but run.

I ran and breathed in the clean air.

I felt the breeze in my face and the concrete under my feet.

I felt so alive.

It was impulsive.

It was crazy.

But it was everything I needed.

And I loved it.

Because I am young,

I am alive.

And I am incredibly free.

the leaving game

its funny how easy it is to forget the people who leave

yet how hard it is for the people who leave to forget

I always seem to be the one who leaves.

I am always the one who wants to leave.

but I realized at a young age

that leaving makes you wonder what could have happened if I stayed.

each time I leave

I start a new life

I make loads of new friends

and am faced with the constant struggle to have the old ones remain

I just love having friends

but I leave them

I don't treat them right I think

I leave and meet new people

and expect them to remember me

expect them to think of me like I think of them

I'm the leaving kind

but I don't like to be left

it's not easy to leave

but oft times I leave with the intention of going back

and then having everything I left waiting for me

that's not how it works

it's not possible

we're all living our lives

things and people change every day

I change willingly

but expect everything else to stay the same

each day I'm finding more and more how selfish I am.

and I wouldn't want to be anyone else

it's funny how much I find myself wanting freedom.

I crave the freedom of being myself.

A 100% individual.

Today, my friend asked me out of all the girl's we work with,

which one's body would I want.

I hated that question.

Why is it that so many people want to be like someone else, yet claim originality?

How is it that someone can be an individual if they spend all their time wishing they were someone else?

Part of me wanted to be offended at her question.

In my mind, my body is pretty amazing.

I mean, I have two legs, two arms.

All my appendages are in the right place.

I can walk, I can run.

I have hair, I have teeth, I have health.

And I have a fully functioning brain.

What's not to like about all that?

I can't help to feel sorry for people who spend all their time wishing they could look like someone else.

Instead of getting offended, I just said that I wouldn't want anyone else's body, I'm more comfortable in my own skin.

(and really, I would hate anyone else to want to have my body. It's mine, and we've been through a lot together, I have too many

memories and x-rays to give it up)

It's pretty spectacular the freedom I have to love myself for who I am.

And really, everyone does.

I just cannot express how much I wish that everyone did.

words set me free

Today is my day off.

I woke up at eight thirty and started reading my book. I haven't even managed to get out bed to even eat or get a drink of water or shower.

I keep thinking of things I could be doing with my day.

I think of the run I need to go on, the hike I want to take, the breakfast or lunch to eat, the yoga to do, the people to call, to text, the social contact to make. I think of the friend who leaves in an hour for two years. The friend who I have been living down the street from for two months and have managed to see once a week. But the friend I'm going to miss all the same.

I think of all these things-

and then I go back to reading.

It reminds me of childhood.

The summer I read all the Harry Potter books, the summer I read the first three Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants books.

I would just wake up and read.

Eventually, I'd get out of bed and swim and do something amazing with my life and family.

But my days always started in some one else's world. The world of the fictional characters who seem still like old familiar friends.

A year ago, I went through a phase where I wouldn't read because I'd get lost in someone else's life and waste my own.

Now as I read, I feel like I'm getting back in touch with my younger self. The self that knew that there were twenty four hours in a day and had no problem spending just some of them with my nose in a book.

Life was more simple there. In that world. In the heat of California.

I had no responsibilities.

All I had to do was be happy.

Isn't that such an easy task.

Now I feel the need to stay in touch with everyone.

To know about their lives to feel like my life exists.

Back then, I had an identity. I knew who I was and all I needed was my mom, dad, and brothers to survive.

That holds true still.

But there are more truths now.

I now need my friends.

But as much as I need them in my life to survive.

My life can survive without them.

And for now, I will read.

I will read until I get up and run.

And then, I will read some more.

And I- will be happy.