Honestly. I want to see you be Brave.

It's time for my annual independence day post. "Independence Day?" You may be thinking to yourself...but in case you were wondering, on October 5, 2011 - I broke up with a boy. And then I went a whole year without dating anyone. I didn't hold a boy's hand. I wen on a total of one date (to some, this may not be a big deal, but for me, it was). And you wanna know something. I LIVED. The culmination of my thoughts were written and I took on another year. And you know what. I didn't go without dates. It hasn't by any means been a boy free year. It hasn't been a year without being hurt. But I still wanted to Celebrate.

"I'll remember those three letters. It will be O.K."

Last year, I was celebrating being able to be myself. Learning how to live and embrace my free spirit. I became comfortable with me. I know that I can be who I am and no one can change who that is. People can make me want to be better, inspire change - but I will always be who I am. And that was a good thing to learn. That was something happy to celebrate.

"Let your words be anything but empty"

Ever since the first time I heard this song, I felt like it was the most perfect anthem. This year, I think this is what I've learned. I've learned how to use my power. That I have power. To not be afraid to be or say what I feel. And yeah, maybe it's brought on some heartache, but the joy that I've been able to have afterwards and the lessons I've learned because of it is immeasurable.

I've learned how to recognize my weaknesses and improve my character. I've had other inspire change and then I've made the changes. I've improved, and that's really cool. So really, there is every reason to celebrate.

And I think that everyone should find reasons to celebrate their lives. Celebrate the changes. The miracles. The positive things in life. Because change is good. Progress is necessary and the beautiful thing about the life we've been given is that we are allowed to progress and improve.

So Independence Day has come and I am happy. And I am me. And I am still young, I am alive. And I am incredibly free.

I Whip My Hair Back and Forth

With people I've just met or people who don't even know me, a lot of the time, the first thing said to me is:

"I LOVE YOUR HAIR. Don't you just love it?"

and then as people get to know me, the question that almost always comes up is:

"Has your hair always been short?"

The responses to each of these questions respectively is "Thank you and yes it's the best thing I've ever done" and "No." It kind of blows my mind to think that there are people in my life who have never known me with long hair. It's strange how my short hair has become a part of who I am. When I cut it, I wrote a blogpost titled "It's just hair." But to be honest, it's always been more.

I realized at a pretty young age that my hair was my greatest asset. It was a beautiful color, it was fine and broke easily. My mom always kept it at my shoulders and had me count my brush strokes when I brushed it every night. It was my main point of vanity until I started putting it in ponytails as I got older. That was an attempt to hide it I think. Or I just stop caring because in middle school, I didn't think I'd ever be pretty so why try...

In high school, things changed a little bit. It became my greatest asset again. I loved my hair again, that was cool. But no one ever noticed it. It's not like it had a lot of power over people or that it made all the boys drop at my feet. It was just there. 

Soccer was where hair really counted. That ponytail is a symbol of status. Working for the soccer team at BYU, I have noticed a lot about female soccer players, and in turn, myself. But hair is an important part of that. The way each girl does her hair expresses individuality and seriousness of play. It just means something. I don't know if I can fully describe it. But trust me.

Being on stage, hair becomes extremely important. And this is an example of the ridiculousness I use to put myself through. But it's true. Whether you're acting or dancing, your hair is there and it changes things. I went and saw a dance performance last week. And I realized the importance of having long hair to put into perfect buns as a ballerina and beautiful up-do's as ballroom dancers. You notice when a woman is on stage with short hair.

This post is already getting long, but recently, a coworker and I were discussing how much we love our short hair and that although we pretend we cut our hair for ease. We also cut our hair to make a statement. My statement was particularly directed toward an idiot boy who said that girls were no longer attractive once they had short hair. And the statement is that as beautiful as long hair is, sometimes, a girl can really rock short hair and it can be beautiful just as much. This isn't a plea, by any means, for every girl to cut their hair short. 

This is just a plea for you to do what you want and to be happy. 

We're Only Several Miles from the Sun

When I worked in the store at the lake, there was a man who would come in every day to buy yogurt and a piece of fruit. Every morning, without fail. This man is none other than the original Elvis. He claims he was named Elvis before Elvis was even a musician, therefore he is the original. This man is older. He has tanned, wrinkly skin that looks like it's been turned into leather. He always wears a fleece vest with nothing underneath it and a pair of cargo shorts. I mean always, he could be a cartoon character. He sometimes drives his pickup to the lodge, which at all times has his bike and kayak attached to it. If he doesn't drive, he rides his bike there. He has grey hair that become wavy as it gets longer. He has a kind face but sometimes has crazy eyes.

He likes to talk to people, constantly asking them questions about their lives. All the girls in the store enjoyed talking to him. He was just a regular in our day and it was nice to have a customer who was kind and actually kind of cared about your life outside of being the person selling them overpriced souvenirs and necessities.

Elvis thought that I was a genius. He was impressed with my interest in math. He wanted me to marry his grandson who was studying engineering at Michigan State. I've always thought Elvis to be a strange sort of genius, you know like the ones that helped build the atomic bomb and then were never quite the same again. If anything, he is a character. 

But more than Elvis's strange habits, wardrobe, and ideas on life. I have always admired his ability to connect with people. Last week, I saw Elvis. It was the first time since that summer. He remembered my name, my major, where I go to school. It was incredible. Some people would think it creepy, but there's more to it than that.

In today's world, it's so common to find pride in being forgetful and shame in being able to remember things and people and those little things. You're more likely to hear someone confess to forgetting names easily than to hear someone admit that they can remember everything in a conversation they had with one person one time. Sometimes people who do remember feel the need to pretend like they don't so they don't seem creepy. But maybe we need to change that because when someone remembers, it makes you feel happy. It makes you feel loved. I guess that's the moral of this whole story. We should put more emphasis on kindness, on listening to others and really letting it sink in. Because the more we remember --the more we can truly touch a person's life. 

If I only had a heart

I've been thinking a lot  lately about love. Not the kind of love that girls normally think of though. It's the kind of love that you feel for your friends. It's the kind of love that a person can potentially feel for everyone. To me and those with my beliefs, it is the love of Christ. It is charity. To others, it is simply the feeling of being understanding the human race or being one with nature or being one with oneself. But whatever you believe this love is, it is humanly possible.

This quote inspired this post.

Sometimes I don't understand it. Sometimes I don't know how I can love a person so much and feel so much pure joy in their being and their being in my life but also feel completely frustrated with them and not want to even be with them. I think that's the hardest part. I feel all of these positive feelings for a person but can have such negative emotions. It doesn't make sense. Sometimes I wish I could just love each person in my life perfectly all the time. Or sometimes I feel like it would be easier if I didn't love anyone. But that's not really possible.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. One time someone told me that she believed that I have a bottomless heart. I will forever be flattered by that statement. But I don't think I've reached that point yet. But I think I have the potential. I think everyone does, actually. Love is such a peculiar feeling. It can't be explained. It can't be measured. It is simply something that you have. It's something that you grow. That you make better. It's something you earn, something you can lose. It has so many different facets and so many different expressions. It's simply what it is.

So I guess that maybe I'm trying to say that I don't love everyone perfectly all of the time. But there are moments in my life where I've known that it was possible. And if I can feel that, then everybody can.

daughters will love like you do

I don't know how I feel about bragging about my father on the interwebs. But I feel that maybe he will appreciate that I feel like he's worth bragging about. I know yesterday was Father's Day was yesterday, but better late than never, right?

I actually got into a fight with my friend in which we were trying to decide which one of our dads would win in a fight which would establish them as the true best dad. It was pretty intense. But really, I think my dad's pretty fantastic. I've always been a "daddy's girl". I'm not ashamed, I'm actually quite proud (let's not devalue my mother, I'm my mother's best friend, but my daddy's girl).

My dad is fantastic. He's taught me everything I know and some things I've forgotten. He taught me to love math, to play poker, to jump in the cold water and love every minute while you're in it. He's an example of a patient person, someone who always is willing to help, a man who wants to do what is right. He taught me how to be a soccer player who never backs down. He taught me to love old cars. To be proud, to work hard and to be smart with money. He's an amazing example of how to fulfill a calling. He taught me to love animals, to remember your passions. He has shown me that maybe life doesn't always go exactly the way you dreamed, but it will go the way that will make you happy.He supports me in just about everything I do. I think he believes that I could walk on the moon if I chose to do it. And that support is everything to me. My dad has shown me how to love the people around me, how to get to know people. I've always loved the way that people admire my father for simply being himself. He's taught me that things like this are completely possible. And he's taught me most of these things by example. He always gave us time. He still does.

whenever I'm hurt, he's there to help me understand and make it better.

I will be the first to admit that I would have been a mess in high school if my dad had not been there the whole time. As a teacher, a mentor, the provider of advice, the encouragement to carry on. He was there. Even in college, he has helped me find my way and constantly look forward with hope.

 He thinks a lot of things are really funny. I love that he laughs at so many things.

 If you notice, he and I are on the opposite sides of the group, making the same exact face. That is one of the reasons why this picture is so perfect.

I simple love this man. As far as father's go, he's pretty grand.

And just for side shout-out:

My brothers have turned out to be some pretty fabulous dad's as well. They are incredible. Kind of like their dad.

I don't think I have even come close to accurately describing my love and appreciation for my father. But I tried to do my best. And if I have not accurately shown my love and appreciation for my brothers, I have at least shown you their adorable children (minus Annie, I couldn't find a picture of Keith and Annie, but she's cute too). 

The Good Light

I haven't written in a while. I'd like to say that it's because I've been going on adventures. That my break from school has been life changing, breath taking, and beyond my wildest dreams. That I haven't been writing because I'm too busy baking delicious cupcakes and falling in love with a beautiful man. But that's not really what it is at all. I've read some books, put more miles on my running shoes, watched some spectacular baseball games, and have made some dinero (that means dollars in el espanol). Oh, and I've spent some lovely evenings with some of the most lovely people in my life.

I went home last week and was flooded with questions from people I hardly know anymore. Most commonly, I was asked, "Well what have you been up to?". I always felt like I should have a good answer for that question. Like I should be talking about all the things I've been doing this summer. But I have nothing to say. I simply end up saying that I work a lot. That I sometimes go running. And that I hang out with my friends. Nothing exciting. As these words come out of my mouth, I feel so lame. I can't help but wonder what my life is truly amounting to.

I've been stuck in a rut before. I know what it feels like. My mind keeps telling me that I should feel that way now. But I don't. I feel completely contented with my life. It doesn't make much sense to me. But I do find comfort in the fact that I don't have to do extravagant things to live a happy life.

As it would turn out, happiness can be found anywhere, in anything. Really, as long as you want to be happy. You can find things that will make you happy. I know that sounds silly. Maybe even impossible. Maybe sometimes life just is throwing you some really unhappy things and as much as you want to smile, you can't. But I think that maybe happiness is still possible.

In April, a few of my coworkers were discussing their "themes" for the summer. One said it was her "Summer of Sacrifice", another said "Summer of Self-Improvement", and so on and so forth. At the time, I couldn't think of anything I wanted to accomplish this summer. But I think what is has turned into is the summer of simplicity. Because life doesn't have to be complex to be good.

everything is magic

This week has been an adventure. The happy and unhappy kind. But the good news is that it this week is almost over.

Three years ago, something changed in me. I can't describe it. I can't full express to you why one thing changed my life so much. I can't help but wonder why so many big life events happen to me in the month of April. Particularly around this stretch of time. Yet, April always turns into a month of reflection. Life is not always what we expect it to be. I always say that. But today, as I looked through pictures, I looked into my seventeen year old face and thought, "She never knew what was coming to her. Where I am today was unfathomable then."

Through it all though, this girl is right by my side.

I always say that I don't expect anything in my life, but I do. I have this idealized life set in my mind and until Sunday, I didn't realize that maybe my ideal is not always possible or even what is right for me. Three years ago today, life was strange. I walked through my day unsure and without any of those expectations, I was just living in the time that I was in. 

I didn't understand. I cried a lot. That was the last time I cried. It was confusing and scary and sad. I still sometimes don't understand the why, the how. But I know that my life is worth living. It's worth having those expectations, even if they don't turn out how you planned, sometimes, they turn out different, worse, or even better. And that's when life is sweetest. And expectations are okay, as long as you live in the now too.

I want this post to be respectful. I want this post to say what I feel (though I know that is impossible). No matter how much time passes and how much I look forward. I know that I must look back to remind myself how I got to where I am today. So many people come and go. But even after some of them are gone, their life lingers. And for that, I am so glad.