the leaving game

its funny how easy it is to forget the people who leave

yet how hard it is for the people who leave to forget

I always seem to be the one who leaves.

I am always the one who wants to leave.

but I realized at a young age

that leaving makes you wonder what could have happened if I stayed.

each time I leave

I start a new life

I make loads of new friends

and am faced with the constant struggle to have the old ones remain

I just love having friends

but I leave them

I don't treat them right I think

I leave and meet new people

and expect them to remember me

expect them to think of me like I think of them

I'm the leaving kind

but I don't like to be left

it's not easy to leave

but oft times I leave with the intention of going back

and then having everything I left waiting for me

that's not how it works

it's not possible

we're all living our lives

things and people change every day

I change willingly

but expect everything else to stay the same

each day I'm finding more and more how selfish I am.

and I wouldn't want to be anyone else

it's funny how much I find myself wanting freedom.

I crave the freedom of being myself.

A 100% individual.

Today, my friend asked me out of all the girl's we work with,

which one's body would I want.

I hated that question.

Why is it that so many people want to be like someone else, yet claim originality?

How is it that someone can be an individual if they spend all their time wishing they were someone else?

Part of me wanted to be offended at her question.

In my mind, my body is pretty amazing.

I mean, I have two legs, two arms.

All my appendages are in the right place.

I can walk, I can run.

I have hair, I have teeth, I have health.

And I have a fully functioning brain.

What's not to like about all that?

I can't help to feel sorry for people who spend all their time wishing they could look like someone else.

Instead of getting offended, I just said that I wouldn't want anyone else's body, I'm more comfortable in my own skin.

(and really, I would hate anyone else to want to have my body. It's mine, and we've been through a lot together, I have too many

memories and x-rays to give it up)

It's pretty spectacular the freedom I have to love myself for who I am.

And really, everyone does.

I just cannot express how much I wish that everyone did.

words set me free

Today is my day off.

I woke up at eight thirty and started reading my book. I haven't even managed to get out bed to even eat or get a drink of water or shower.

I keep thinking of things I could be doing with my day.

I think of the run I need to go on, the hike I want to take, the breakfast or lunch to eat, the yoga to do, the people to call, to text, the social contact to make. I think of the friend who leaves in an hour for two years. The friend who I have been living down the street from for two months and have managed to see once a week. But the friend I'm going to miss all the same.

I think of all these things-

and then I go back to reading.

It reminds me of childhood.

The summer I read all the Harry Potter books, the summer I read the first three Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants books.

I would just wake up and read.

Eventually, I'd get out of bed and swim and do something amazing with my life and family.

But my days always started in some one else's world. The world of the fictional characters who seem still like old familiar friends.

A year ago, I went through a phase where I wouldn't read because I'd get lost in someone else's life and waste my own.

Now as I read, I feel like I'm getting back in touch with my younger self. The self that knew that there were twenty four hours in a day and had no problem spending just some of them with my nose in a book.

Life was more simple there. In that world. In the heat of California.

I had no responsibilities.

All I had to do was be happy.

Isn't that such an easy task.

Now I feel the need to stay in touch with everyone.

To know about their lives to feel like my life exists.

Back then, I had an identity. I knew who I was and all I needed was my mom, dad, and brothers to survive.

That holds true still.

But there are more truths now.

I now need my friends.

But as much as I need them in my life to survive.

My life can survive without them.

And for now, I will read.

I will read until I get up and run.

And then, I will read some more.

And I- will be happy.

spooooon

So we were thinking,

"oh they cuddled"

but really

they were eating with spoons.

Sometimes you can't believe everything you hear.

Sometimes we can't judge people based on what we hear.

I just don't have much to say, but at the same time. I have so many things to say. I'm just in this mood where I just don't even know. I'm stuck.

But I'm here.

And I'm alive.

And I'm well.

no problem has a final solution

every solution is just an admission ticket to another problem

rock thoughts

The other day, I had the afternoon off and decided to spend some quality time in nature, and luckily enough, I never go anywhere without a sketch book and some scratch paper. So as I walked along a river I found a beautiful spot and sat and pondered a while and got up and decided to further my search and found the perfect rock, I got out my paper and started writing. And this is what came:

You never know if there's something better down the road. Sometimes you have to give up something good to get to something better. But when do you reach THE BEST? How will you ever know? Isn't it sometimes okay to settle because you're the happiest you've ever been. You may be able to reach that same level of happiness, but will you ever be able to surpass to surpass it? I think I like rivers so much because of the sound of the water, it reminds me of the ocean. That's where I've been happiest around water I think. Makes me sad for this beautiful river, because it just isn't doing it for me.

I don't want my life to be that way.

I don't want to have to settle for a river if I know there's and ocean.

I am now developing a system in which I can quickly and easily compare boys to water.

oh bother

1. Yesterday, my best friend got married.

Then in church, we got a marriage talk.

Then at our fireside. We got another marriage talk.

I don't care, I will someday.

But I really would appreciate hearing about something new and exciting for a change.

2. I use to love weddings. But now they're stressful.

3. I should be too young to have to think about these things.

4. I hope I don't have to go to another wedding for a while.

5. As complicated as my feelings are about love and marriage and stuff. This will always be one of my favorite places in the world.