counting to a hundred

At BYU, it is common place to here a lot about marriage. Everywhere I go is seems there is someone engaged, newly married, or even just dating someone. At first I would look around and feel overwhelmed because I don't WANT to be in that position right now. Then I started looking around and was overwhelmed because I WANTED to be, but wasn't. Then, I started to be overwhelmed because I don't WANT to be in that position, but felt like I had to be. Overall, dating life here is a super overwhelming experience. Because, of course, the inevitable happened. Well, it was inevitable for me, others don't seem to have this problem. But it happened. Just you know, the thing that happens with me. But you see, there is a problem that a lot of "men" suffer from here.

It's called "commitment".

Either that's all they want or they want to steer as clear away from it as possible. This is the kind of thing that happens when you're in an atmosphere where everyone believes you have to secure a ticket into the celestial kingdom right now. And trust me, I find it overwhelming too. There is no socially acceptable dating medium.

But I'm all for doing things that aren't socially acceptable.

But the social world has driven away some really spectacular men from the dating world.

I see it everywhere. And here I am, in the midst of it. Staring at the back of one of those spectacular men as he runs away making me think that I don't know who he really is. Yet at the same time, he put the words in my head.

"So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek"

So here I wait, for what I don't know. Someone else, divine inspiration, him, a sign. Anything. I'm just playing the waiting game. But I know one thing, everything is going to work out and there's no need to play the "feel stressed over this" game.

I'm counting to one hundred, and I promise, I won't peek.

this is the real world

My mind is running.
Sleep is hard.
So many thoughts.
So much going on.
My mind is open.
A book.
Poorly written.
Read it.
Understand.
Not much sense.
But it's what it is.

Poetry Fits

I jumped in, dove head first,
when I hit the bottom I didn't think it'd hurt.
The water felt good.
I was addicted to it's touch.
I got stuck,
swimming in a pool of lust.
I need to put my head above water,
breathe the air.
But I was drowning in a sea of fear.
I'd get so close,
I'd feel the air to gasp,
but fall back in the water
by my attraction's firm grasp.
---------------------------------------------------
Quiet noise, a subtle rumble
She's there alone, waiting to crumble.
All is lost,
All is gone,
She doesn't know how long she can hang on.
The breakdown is coming,
She can feel it.
She doesn't mind as long as someone can heal it.
There is no one to run to.
Her world is falling to pieces,
Her confusion never ceases.
She needs a friend,
Someone who knows best.
Just a friend and she won't worry about the rest.
------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes it just comes to me, it isn't always about my life. It just comes and I have to write.

It's just hair

So it's been a while...but, I've still been finding things to be grateful for.

November 8th: Monday was a super depressing day. But I was grateful that I got to see Mary and laugh and talk with her.

November 9th: On Tuesday, I was grateful for the sunshine after a long rainy Monday. I was grateful for the courage to stand up in what I believe in. I was grateful for freedom as I tore down a mock Berlin Wall. Oh, and I'm also grateful that I finally made cookies...nom nom nom Oh, and that I was able to help out a friend and in the process, learn more about another friend and volunteer to go on a photshoot.

November 10th: I was grateful that Dr.Howard let us out of Music Civ early. Then I was grateful that I was able to escape to Jessie's and just be.

November 11th: I was grateful for being so nervous about my physical science test that instead of going home afterward, I went to the library and actually got all of my homework done.

November 12th: I was grateful for a Brazillian boy who couldn't sleep so that I could get a job! I was grateful for the time I was able to spend with my roommates just being us. And I was grateful for Courtney who let my talk to her. A LOT. And who also took me grocery shopping.

November 13th: I was grateful for courage. For the courage to just go...and just....chop all of my hair off. Best decision I ever made.

November 14th: I was grateful for Thomas's mother who made us all dinner and that we have a Sunday dinner family. I was grateful for all the people who complimented me and for the confidence I simply just radiated.

Today....today I am grateful for a job. I'm grateful for the people who are looking out for me and doing some pretty crazy things just to make sure that I can get to and from work safely. I'm grateful for the crazy hours so that I can continue working on homework and hopefully come up with a study schedule that will be benificial to me. This is all going to work out.

["oh my flippin cow"]
[[---my twin on my new hair]]

An Important Cause

Today, our cause is to save daylight. Daylight has been suffering greatly lately due to the seasonal change. It's life was at risk and today, we are attempting to save this friend of ours. The daylight. And may I just mention, that I really am suffering in the attempt. Gaining an hour of time in a life that already seems to drag is just another hour of time that I need to be productive in. I already have enough trouble with the 24 hour days, let's just add a 25 hour one.

In the third grade, I gained my extreme uncomfortableness with the whole idea of daylight savings. My teacher had us write a journal entry on the exciting event and let's just say, I didn't really understand what I was writing about. On Monday, the teacher had graded all the journal entries and she said that there was a lot of confusion and that she was going to read an example of a poor journal entry and one of a superior one. Let's just say, that was the first and only time that I was immensely ashamed of a teacher reading my work in class. And even if it was more of a bash on my writing than on my grasp of the concept. I will always blame daylight savings time on that embarrassment.

But at the same time, there are still many things I'm grateful for about saving daylight. For one, it made me a better writer. This year, it will allow me a chance to redeem myself and maybe I'll start waking up on time in the morning so I can get use to the whole 8 am class thing. I also get a whole hour more of weekend and more importantly a whole hour more of Sabbath. I love how relaxing Sundays are and the way they can rejuvenate me and prepare me for the upcoming week. So in a way, saving daylight is saving me, so I guess I'll just be happy for it.

In addition, I would just like to say that:
November 4: I was grateful for my mom who called me and was the only person I talked to during eight hours of studying.
November 5: I was grateful for Emily and laughter, and also Rachel and Jamisyn, they are wonderful to me.
November 6: Yesterday I was grateful that I got to spend a whole day with my Jeffery. I had missed him a lot and I kind of miss him already.
November 7: I'm grateful for saving daylight.

Honey, let me sing you a song-
Listen to my words as they come out wrong...

I am Thankful

Thanksgiving is a beautiful meaning with a wonderful concept attached to it. Since it is now the most wonderful month of November, I'm going to find something to be grateful for each day, something small, but wonderful.

November 1: On Monday, I was grateful for Albert and his voice of reason when everyone else seemed to be telling me what things I should do, Albert told me to simply do what makes me happy.

November 2: Yesterday, I was grateful for Rachel because she made me dinner and listened to me talk. Oh, and Jamisyn, because she's always such a great friend. I love those girls.

November 3: Today may not be over yet, but today I am grateful for Autumn who wrote a post on her blog last week that I found today and loved. Today I'm grateful for the sling around my arm and the fact that it helps me heal. Today I'm grateful for the beautiful music that Pandora is playing. I'm thankful for random memories and old friends. Today I am grateful that I was late to my Writing class so I could sit next to Mallory in the back. I'm grateful that Mallory is kind of a kindred spirit to me. I'm thankful that Jessie is going to come see me tonight, just because she misses me from the last time I saw her on Monday night.

Today, I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a lot to be grateful for everyday. And we should be grateful everyday, this month, I'm going to be.

In this past week I have been so grateful for all the love and help and support I've received from the people I'm surrounded by. My shoulder is healing, but I still struggle, but I definitely would not be as well off without those who have helped me or even just care to love me. Because, I know that I can be really super difficult when I'm injured. All I know is that when I start to feel super better, I have a LOT of thank you cards to write.

the best(bastion) thing that's ever been mine

I hate to admit it, but I enjoy Taylor Swift's music. I don't think it's a fad thing, I think that I genuinely like her music. One thing that she always has right is that she's real. Any girl could relate to Taylor's lyrics. Most people would see that as a negative quality because it seems like she's writing about cliche things. But really, she's writing about her own life and I hate to say this, but most girls feel and experience the same things in their lifetimes. Her new song is entitled, "Mine". The music video came out and the song is portrayed as a beautiful story of a girl who is afraid of love because of her parent's divorce and then her actually falling in love and living a life with someone that will never leave her.

Now, how can I even closely relate to that?

It turns out that the song is actually about how she had been on a few dates with a boy and the moment that he put his arm around her, she saw a whole life with him pass before her eyes. Now this, this is something that 90% of girls can relate to.

My roommate and I were once discussing with some male folk how girls feel when they meet a new guy. Most girls when just learning a boy's name immediately start envisioning what their life would be like together. It's not even based on feelings really. It's just the idea of endless possibilities that really sparks a girls imagination. Every what if can be answered with another what if and eventually, a whole life is planned with this guy who you really don't know. At all.

So now every time I meet a new interest of the male persuasion, I continue to let my imagination run wild and I think about the endless possibilities, because I'll never know if he might just be the best thing that's ever been mine. Oh Taylor Swift, I wish I wasn't so okay with your music narrating my life.

[[YES, YES! I can see it now...]]

I am a Jerk

"No. Not cool. My friends. I get to do what I want with them and they like me better because I"m a person with my own personality and a sense of humor. She can't be herself because, "herself" is not as "popular" as she'd like to be, and she's an "actor", it's easy for her to be someone else. Even if that someone else is me. I'm not flattered, she doesn't play the role of me well. I am fantastic."

....


I actually said that about someone, the thief of my identity. I am a terrible person. I feel like I should go repent now. But then I remember, that's how I actually feel.

In case you thought I was a great person, you should know the truth, I suck. I am not fantastic. I am an independent girl and I know who I am, but I'm selfish and I think there should only be one me.

[[Yeah...love me or hate me, I'm still shinin']]

The House that Built Me

This weekend I went home. It was the best consecutive four days, well five days, because Wednesday was pretty good too, that I've had in a long long time. Then I came back to Provo and probably had one of the worse days that I've ever had in my life. You see, when you ditch two days of classes and then come back to realize that you have two midterms you HAVE to take on Monday, life is not fun. But I made it, I'm still alive, and hey- dropping out of college is not too bad of an idea right?

Long story short, going home was so worth it. I felt like a movie star when I showed up to the football game and my name was yelled across the crowd. I loved seeing my cousin and my twins. I loved harassing my little brother from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. I also loved not having any responsibilities or having to make my own food. I got to gossip like a little girl again, but also show people that I'd grown up, and also see how others had grown up. When I think about it, it feels like I've been gone forever, but it's really only been like, five months. The longest five months of my life I think. But overall I got to see all of my friends and I really didn't want to leave, ever.

But once I think about it, coming back wouldn't be nearly as fun if I never left.

I'm back in Provo right now, life couldn't be more of a mess. But the thing about messes is that they can be cleaned up. Time to be a grown up again. Time to study, find a job, be a good friend, be a good roommate, and to adjust to people that don't know me like my friends back home do. I've been rejuvenated and remember who I am now. Now it's time to keep that in mind and become who I need to be. Life is confusing, it's hard, it's never perfect, but it's life, and I'm suppose to live it.

[[here we go (again)]]

I am a Writer

My roommate and I decided that we were going to watch a movie and manage to be productive, just to prove that we could in fact, watch a movie AND be productive. For me, it was a success, I don't know so much about her. But all in all, the thing that helped me the most was the choice of movie. We watched Julie and Julia. I am completely impassioned, if that's even a word, about everything.

This movie, isn't just about cooking and good food. It's not even about the life of two women whose lives were completely different but connected through the love of food. These are all wonderful things. These are wonderful truths, yet there is another theme. It's about a woman finding her life, and regaining her confidence in her talent of writing. It's about a writer, learning that it's okay to write.

I love to write, thus the blog. I love the way words can be strung together. I have always thought that maybe, just maybe, it was a talent. At one point in my life, I wanted to be a writer. It was a dream. It's a dream for most people I believe.

I have other passions though. I am in love with the language of mathematics, it makes my life make more sense. Photography makes me feel so alive, I sometimes find I can't explain it. Soccer gives me reason for breath, while on the field, it is my only care in the world. Sitting in front of a piano, I feel as if I can conquer the world. Playing the trumpet, I feel like I already have. It is easy to feel passionate about so many things. I don't even have to be talented in these things, and I can assure you that I am not, but I feel for them feelings of such love and devotion that I cannot simply choose which I can love more.

I don't think I've ever felt this way for writing. But I realize now, that writing is my passion. It is not my only passion. I have decided firmly that I want to do math, everyday, for the rest of my life. To get into BYU, I wrote an essay on why I found math was one the most central parts of my creativity. As I wrote that essay, I realized that math was my calling in this life. But today, I realized that in finding my passion for math, I realized that it must take a lot of talent to write about creating things by simply solving a math equation.

Each time I finish writing something, I feel a sense of accomplishment that I do not often feel in my life. There are very few things that make me feel as writing does. It may not be my strong point, and let's be honest, I don't know what my strong point might be. But there is one thing for certain.

I am a writer.

[(never give up on what you truly love to do)]

Spare Change

As a unemployed college student, life is hard. Money is hard to come by, and let's be honest, I'll do anything for free food. My roommates and I call it "food whore-dom." Free food is pretty much the best thing that could happen in a day.

Knowing that college was coming soon, last year I started to save quarters for laundry. It turns out that you don't need quarters, you need large bills to put money on your laundry card. It's actually kind of obnoxious, because now I have a ton of quarters that in all reality are useless for anything else I ever will need money for. Let's face it, the use of coins and even currency is kind of a dying practice in today's world.

At this moment you may be thinking to yourself, "Nice points, but they're not really related."

WRONG

Because I don't need all those quarters and I do need food, the quarters have gone to my emergency craving budget. Like last night, I was REALLY craving cookies. So, I walked to the little grocery store across the street, and used three beautiful quarters to pay for some Grandma's cookies. I am looking very much forward to the future use of this spare change.

The food may not be free. But for some reason, I don't feel so bad about buying it.

.:Forget your coins, I want CHANGE:.

Fearless

On Monday, it stormed a glorious storm. My friends and I were enjoying root beer floats as it started to rain, and when we finished, it was pouring. So we went out to enjoy it. And we pretty much went insane. We danced all through the complex and then had the great idea to take pictures. It was a most wonderful photo shoot in the pouring rain. I was so happy, I wanted to fly! I told so many people that I had fulfilled my dreams and danced in the rain.

The rain does funny things to people, there is just something about it. The smell, the wet feel, the cold, the constant feel of something different. Well, maybe it's just me. I love the rain. It reminds me of home. It makes me feel warm, even in the coldest of rains.

Today, it rained again, I was with a friend. I didn't keep some of my promises to my friends and dance again. But we did walk a long walk and just let it rain. It was wonderful. I love the rain. I love life in the rain. I want it to rain forever.

[[There's something about the way the street looks when it's just rained]]

My Favorie Letter

I realize that my most previous blog post could have been a little misleading. As much as I generally like the Media Center, it is not actually my favorite spot on campus, just my favorite spot in the library. In all reality, my absolute favorite place on campus is the math lab. I adore it there. I love it. I love getting help and helping others and the sound of people talking math. It’s like heaven, well, it’s what my heaven will be like. I love math.

Once I was in an Aca-Deca interview and my interviewer asked me why in the world I would want to be an accountant. I responded, “Because I love numbers and I want to use them every day for a long time....and I don’t like science.” It’s that simple. I just like numbers. I like it when an equation works out perfectly and all the work that is organized between answer and problem, it’s like a release.

One of the other things that I somewhat strongly appreciate about mathematics is it’s glorification of the letter x. Think about words and everything in life and the neglect of the little x. Math give x purpose, it gives it meaning. Consequently, x is my favorite favorite favorite letter. I love it. Most people don’t have a favorite letter; they may even find that a person with a favorite letter is kind of strange.

But let’s face it…I’m strange. And there’s just no getting around it.

[[hmm...nothing to do? I'll go hang out in the Math Lab]]

The White Wall In Front of Me

A few days ago, my friends from my writing class introduced me to the Media Center. I have decided that it is probably the best place in the Harold B. Lee Library, and I mean, there's a lot of stuff here, but I'm pretty sure that the Media Center wins, hands down. It's just a room full of people on computers, watching movies, doing homework, writing papers and 80% of them all have headphones on.

It's WONDERFUL.

I went there yesterday to write a paper that I had absolutely NO desire to write, and in the two and a half hours is took me to force the paper onto the screen, I fell in absolute love with the Media Center. It's bright and happy, and if you sit in the back looking at the wall, you don't even notice the world moving around you.

It's so peaceful.

Now, when I'm in the Media Center, I feel like I should have homework to do online. This is not a common occurrence in my classes, but I can assure that I will find a way to get there as much as possible. Like everyday possible.

I'm actually in the Media Center RIGHT NOW.

There's something else, besides the getaway from the world to do homework. It is the precious gem of the Media Center that I found today. When I found this, I cried, well not really, but there was probably that much emotion and joy in my heart upon coming across this program. I will assure you that I will probably be in the media center a lot from now on.

I found Photoshop.

[[Harold B. Lee Library: Study like a Scholar, Scholar]]

To Fall in Love

I don't know quite when it happened, or why, or how, but I fell in love a few years ago.

I fell in love with the art of photography. I am so madly passionate for it that I often have an itching to hold a camera in my hand. There are so many moments to catch. So many things that happen, that no one bothers to notice. I think that may be how I fell in love with photos. I would see so many things in life that I wanted to save forever. But I didn't want to save them just with writing or with a boring old picture. I wanted to take a picture with character. I became obsessed. I love not only taking the perfect picture, but being able to bring out it's greater qualities for everyone to see. It just makes me feel so happy I guess is the right word, maybe even blissful.

I don't have a camera. It breaks my heart, everyday. Everyday I see things and say, man, I wish I could capture that. Sometimes when I'm stressed or busy, I want to take a break and just go take pictures. But I don't have a camera. It makes life hard to be so passionate about something and not to have it. But I can assure you, I'm going to make it. I think that it will just make me appreciate my camera that much more once I actually get a job and buy one.

The thing about photography, is that it makes me happy. But I don't like, feel a strong desire to have everyone see. I just want to enjoy it. I just want to have it to look back on. Someday, I'm going to have my pictures hanging from the walls of my home or even my apartment and just seeing them will bring joy into my life.

[In this moment, now capture it, remember it]

Gee, I'm Opinionated!

So in my writing class today we got into groups to exchange our opinion editorials. I gave my paper to three of my classmates and in return they gave me theirs. I know for a fact that mine isn't perfect, especially since I completely rewrote the entire thing in two hours yesterday. But as I read the papers of my fellow classmates, I realized that I'm super critical, and with some, I wondered if they had ever learned how to write.

The first one I read was titled "Cherish the Experience". It was a touching little piece about how a student could make the best of their freshmen year of college. Her arguments were that studying and classes were stressful, so she talked about having good study habits and then she talked about being more involved with "your peers". She tossed about some of her accomplishments, "sophomore class president", "student body president", "track", "basketball". It ended with a half page on how college only happens once and we need to enjoy it while we can. Presh, really. I guess I've never really been that concerned about not enjoying college because of classes.

The second one I read was titled "Energy Drinks, Good or Bad?" I'll give her fifty billion thousand bonus points on her title creativity. Hers was a very freshman year of high school organized paper. It was well written, don't get me wrong, just poorly organized. She had a lot of facts and it wasn't really, personal. I couldn't really see HER opinion, just the researchers' that she quoted. It got pretty boring by the end. And her thesis statement was like, at the end of the page. I had no idea where she was going with the next two pages until then. And we like, JUST talked about that in class. But hers was definitely the most convincing.

The last one I read, was a good laugh. It was titled "How Dancing Across Campus Can Get Easier". Just ponder that title for a while. I was not quite sure what to expect from her paper, but when I read it...it warmed my little heart. Two words for you, country music. Yes, this paper was not about dancing in general, it was about my peer's uncomfortableness towards "rap" music at school dances. Her arguments were weak and she pretty much made it sound like the students who appreciate dancing to rap music were going to spend a long afterlife in Hell. And then the random point that was a tad irrelevant happened to be that she believed that more slow songs should be played to give dancers a break from the constant "rushed beat". She believed that people should learn how to country swing dance rather than always dancing to the same type of music. I laughed a lot. It is going to take all that is in me to not tear her writing completely apart when I edit her paper, because apparently, I have strong feelings toward it. Apparently.

Now that I have been so critical of my peer's work, I would like to admit that it is an opinion editorial, and my peers may not agree with my paper either. They may in fact, find that it is poorly written. They may not agree with my point of view on following your dreams. But we'll see. But all in all, I think that I might just be a little bit more opinionated than I thought.

[[and I just keep dreaming, not knowing if they'll ever come true]]

Peace for One Day

September 21st is a Global Cease Fire Day. On this day, doctors, and people with supplies are able to enter countries that are not normally accessible to any one. It's really quite an amazing day. It may be that in the world we may not have long times of peace ever again. But we can and we do have peace for one day. It's something that not many people know about, but it is truly an amazing day when amazing events are able to take place. So may you feel the peace as the whole world experiences it.

[[ peaceforoneday.org ]]

You Made My Happy!

Some days are just good. That's kind of what today was like. I've decided that some of the best days are spent simply. It's so easy to think that the only way to have a good day is to have every minute planned. But I find the best days are when you just spend your time with good people. It's easy to get so caught up in activities, but sometimes it's best to just sit and talk and laugh. Some of my favorite memories involve just sitting and talking, or even, just driving around singing at the top of our lungs. Those are the good times. There's no existence of time, or responsibility, just friends, being together.

On a side note, on my doorstep tonight, I found a note that said "Cali- You Are Loved!" And then there was a plate of cookies. It was a nice gesture....but there's another girl in our ward named Cali, and that's how she spells it. I'd feel bad if they were for her, we already ate them.

"It's smells like new bracelet."

In the Hunt

One of my all time favorite past times is looking for jobs. I'm seriously considering adding "filling out job applications" to the list of skills on my resume. No one seems to want such a beautiful, talented, perfect girl to work for them anymore. In all the applications I've filled out, I have had two actual jobs. That is not that many.

Now I'm at college, and I've applied for at least ten jobs and am getting so desperate. I'm considering adding to my applications: I like food, I'll work for that much. It's a little frustrating. The past couple of days have been no good for jobs on the website, but today, I struck gold. I applied for five positions today of varying description.

The first one is a cashier/stocker position at The Creamery.

The second is a phone registrar job. I'm still not so sure all that it entails, but I like to talk and there were FIVE whole positions open. That's a lot.

The third is a "potwashing job", whootsause I can dig it I guess.

The fourth is really hardly a position at all. It's to work concessions at the home football games. So I'd work...five days this semester. Not ideal, but I've done concessions before.

And then the last position I applied for is one that I am hardly qualified to fill at all. Like, I only met two out of the six qualifications. I just REALLY wanted to apply for the job because it's at the Museum of Archeology. I could work at a DINOSAUR MUSEUM if I was qualified. I made myself sounds really awesome though.

If there's one thing I've learned from job hunting, it's to

1. Show your confidence and make it sound like you're really qualified for anything

and

2. Give every job a chance, you'll never know the things you'll learn and experience. So don't just not apply.

"I'm super motivated and excited to learn new skills!"

Starting Again

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who just got so busy that she stopped writing in her blog. Now, that she's even busier and and has even more going on, she's going to start again. I'm not starting over, or making a new start, it's just that I'm starting again.

A starting again post has to be especially special. But you see, it's hard to decide what really is special.

Today a boy in my writing class informed me that he was writing his opinion editorial on people have serious addictions to music. When he said that I thought, I am definitely addicted to music. I analyze songs by listening to them over and over and over again. And when I'm not listening to music, I'm playing a musical instrument, and if I'm not doing either of those, there's a good reason.

When I asked him what is so wrong about people being addicted to music, he could not supply an answer. I have a feeling that his opinion editorial is going to be lacking in something.

As for me, I simply cannot decide what to write my opinion editorial on. I have two papers I'm writing and I just can't decide yet which I will turn in.

College life is different every day. There's always something else I could be doing no matter what I'm doing. But I've decided I'm going to make the most of it.

[[[ Some people walk in the RAIN. Others just get WET ]]]